(Being going through some stuff….so, time to let some of it out)
Hate. There are a few levels of such an emotion. I have been to the near bottom where my thoughts were so dark, the anger so high that if there was anyone around me (especially a particular person of that long ago time) who said the slightest thing wrong, I would have snapped. Luckily that never happened. Those were dark times, emotionally, for me. So yes, I know hate on a fairly intimate level. I also know there are deeper levels still, typically reserved for some of the worst violations in human history (rape, murder of a family member/country). Luckily I have not been that low.
Fake people. People who have been your partner for a long time, one you thought it would be a great long relationship with but at some point, they turned away. No warning. No discussion. Just gone in every way but officially. They just don’t tell you. Then when you find out what happened, it is worse because it was a betrayal that is unforgivable. At least you don’t realize it was unforgivable till after you said the words “I forgive you” only to realize that years later, you really didn’t forgive them didn’t deep down.
Then the situation changes around that time. You start to see just how far apart you have grown. You see how said partner talks a good game in front of a crowd/friends/family but when you are alone it is nothing like it. You get told things like “I’m not interested.” when you ask why the sex has stopped. The thought of another betrayal lurks dangerously at the back of your mind. Also you are stunned by this sudden declaration of how your partnership will be going forward, all without a word of discussion. Yeah, that happened the first time and it turned out bad. The second time ain’t gonna be any better.
Don’t fucking lie to me. I have learned that there are those who do value who I am. Who accept me for who I am. Why the fuck am I still here? Dammit I hate scenarios where I have to wait before I can act. Especially when my mind is made up and my path is clear to me.
I have debated on whether you deserve to be treated better than you have treated me and I don’t think so. If you are lucky, maybe I’ll leave you note with something more than ‘goodbye’ on it.
I don’t want this any more.