I’m a WYSIWYG type of person

I know of a term in computers called WYSIWYG.  Its an acronym for “what you see is what you get”.  Basically when someone designs a program or website, the application used to design it shows you the final product as you go along.  There is no fancy need to “compile” the thing, your design is instant.  It is like the difference between using a keyboard to type “draw a square” versus a mouse to actually draw the square.  I’m like the latter.

While I try my best to follow my intuition and inspiration, I do prefer non-subtle ways of communication.  Yet I know that is purely a fear-based habit.  I’m afraid if being/interpreting things wrongly.  Its easy to do so because we are humans.  We have a problem with both communicating properly as weell as processing information without bias. There is also the ever-present over-thinking that is usually the culprit.  “Why did he do that?  Was it because of ‘x’ or ‘y’?” Which leads to a billion other questions which you can’t possibly answer and get bogged down with “paralysis by analysis” and never get anywhere.

This makes life rather oddly difficult for those if us who are open, honest and mean exactly what they say.  Why? Because so many others do not that everyone thinks you are trying to hide your true intentions because that is what they do.  What an ironic twist of fate huh?

What I also know is that few people can handle those who are truly open an honest.  To use a tired quote-cliche “You can’t handle the truth!”.  If you are someone bogged down by your own mis-guided thoughts/choose to believe others instead of your self, when someone comes along and shines a light on it, it is like being in the dark and someone turning a flashlight on right at your eyeballs.  It is quite painful and our minds are designed to avoid pain.  If you are like most people, you do everything you can to avoid that pain.  If you are one of the few who look toward finding a way to grow spiritually, then you deal with the pain and understand that the light you see is truly beneficial to your world.

I try my best to be a better person, to learn from many people/ideas.  Do I know better than anyone else?  Not necessarily.  I can only offer my experiences and wisdom that I have gained in my years of searching and pattern recognition of non-helpful behaviors.  Take from my writings what serves you best, everything else, ignore.

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Still Human

Seems my peace can be easily disturbed.  I had to actively resist not writing a blog post because it would have been nothing but an ugly rant.  I was so angry at my partner that it took quite a bit of effort not to scream at that person.  So many things they did just kept adding to my frustration and anger, I really have to work at this till I can set up my trip/break from all this.

I was debating for awhile how long I would be gone.  Initially it was going to be a week or two, then potentially 6 months, but now I’m thinking two months should work fine.  Long enough to give me time to recover and reflect.  Time to get away from the daily repetitive babble about what else is wrong with everyone else but themself.  There has been so much talk about quitting, about trying to find a better job just because one person does something that caused an issue.  How typical, don’t deal with the problem, just run away. 

Oh I’m not being hypocritical.  I need this break.  I’ve been trying to deal with this problem for years and with no results. Tired of beating my head against the proverbial brick wall.  About the only thing I’m debating on is do I even tell them where I’m going?  I really want that compete break from everything.  That freedom to do my own thing without the potential for someone to show up at my doorstep to ruin my peace I’m so deseparately trying truly find.

I’ll have to let someone know I suppose. A few people know which country I’m going to, so its not an utter secret. Ok, so got that figured out.

Now, just one more, important thing that needs to happen before things get booked.  Hopefully that will happen soon.

I found my Peace

It is a curious thing peace.  For months I was quite wound up.  Oh sure i was happy, exited and very rating to go but then our suddenly stopped.  Like hitting a brick wall.  Neither before nor after the wall was I truly at peace.  Being at a high energy level does not make you at peace.  It can be as bad as being depressed.  I think most people don’t realize this.

This is not to say that it is necessarily a bad thing to be overwhelmed and/or totally enthralled by someone.  You just have to have the awareness to realize it and understand there needs to be a balance.

For me, my peace came with the true acceptance of an idea I’ve been carrying around for years and yet i wasn’t applying it fully to my situation.  The idea that eventually all things come to pass.  I understand that when something happens and the expected outcome is deeply known, yet fails to manifest, that outcome was simply not yet ready.  Realizing that this is something that could carry over into another lifetime was a comfort.  Karma does not always happen when you expect it.

Someone put it rather amusingly “Shit travels at the speed of shit.”.  This basically means things happen in their own time and when I finally got my ego out of the way, I was ok with this.  The particular images of another person I saw posted, no longer caused me pain.  I could simply accept them for what they were.  Expressions of that person.

This will be interesting to what will manifest because of this something always does.

Karma

What amazes me is how people have such a short view on life.  They actually believe that if they do something now they could just walk away with zero repercussions.  I’ve seen it time and time again.  There are always repercussions. Always.  Most of the time they do happen in your lifetime but the bigger ones, the ones with a more significant connection to your soul, will come back again and again, through various lifetimes until the issue is resolved.

You think people choose their situations?  Well yes, I’ve covered this before.  Yet those who are still asleep in this waking world will say “You wear glasses because you didn’t eat your veggies!” or “You sat to close to the TV when you were young.” or any other non-sense.  Truth is, those are only symptoms of a much deeper problem.  You are in the body you have because there is a lesson to learn. You experience pain and loss because there is a lesson to learn.

There are those who actually believe they don’t deserve better for themselves and yet it will be thrown right into their faces saying “Yes you do.”  Keep in mind that there are two sides there.  The person who refuses to rid themselves of some sort of misguided guilt and the person who strives to show that person their true value in life.  Both have lessons to learn.

The goal in life is to be aware of these lessons and act upon them that is truly in your best interest.  When you run away from the lesson, it will come back, stronger each time.  It really is inevitable that you will learn the lesson, so why not get it over with and move forward in your spiritual/personal development now?!  Prolonging your pain is hardly a smart thing to do, nor is it good for you and everyone around you.

I know my own issues are leaking into my daily life.  My friends see it all the time.  I can’t hide it any more.  Changes will be made.  Very, very soon. I am just waiting to see what it is I need to learn so I can unpause my life and get on with it!

Drained

This little bit of limbo I’m in had made me realized just how drained I am.  Guess I really needed this break.  Ok fine.  I’m doing everything I can to….well, not do anything.  Wonderful contradiction that.

I see pics of certain people and I realize how much it hurts.  So, with this pause, I’m doing some work on letting go if that emotional bruise.  Nothing is broken, just badly bruised.  Add that to the drain of pure energy output for the last 5 months and I’m surprised I’m still standing.  Time to ramp up the meditation….or caffine…what ever works.  Coffee is good for the soul right?

The past

Recently some people offered to buy something if mine that I made way back when I was 12 years old. It was a simple wooden table. Obviously it is pretty sturdy and I did a decent job on joining the wood and inkaying a lighter centre section.  Everyone had to take a shop class back then.

Since I’ve had this thing for ages, there was an obvious emotional attachment to it.  Would like to keep it just because but then I thought real hard.  I am in such a forward moving state, is holding onto something from my past a good idea?  Does it help me grow or keep me looking back?  Would giving it to someone else help them look forward?  You know, if something I made can make someone else happy, who am I to stand in the way?  Sure I’m proud that I have made something that has lasted, yet I will not let it stop me and I can always make another if I choose.  Will probably be an improvement too.

So new owner, enjoy the table of my past.  May it bring you much joy and utility as I have gained from it.  I no longer need it.

Now, my ratty old teddy bear with a wind-up “twinkle twinkle little stars” music box inside it and some newspaper stuffing, is a whole other ball game! 😉

Yep, officially in limbo

Lets see, between being forced into a numb-like state, bad weather, and future plans now uncertain, I am having a hell of a time trying to get any work done at all.  Its not like I’m really depressed, it is a small part, its more like…lethargy.  A lack of real motivation.  Maybe this is my mid-life crisis that people go through.

Or maybe it really just a pause in life.  A time to reflect.  A time to gather ones thoughts and consolidate the next step of my path because for me, its a big one.  I’m going to need to be more conscious of things I’ve never truly been conscious of.  This is, of course, all pending my decision.  Well, I’ve already made the decision, now I just need to make sure that the plan is where I’m really going and then act.

Quite a perception this being totally aware of how much of a “pause” there is in my life. I’ve been so focused that this pause is like being in a tornado that just suddenly stops.  You short of don’t really know what to make of it or if/when it will start again.  Then there is this general fog around you and you are wondering what you should really do. Maybe the best thing is to do nothing.  Just simply be.  Exist.  The literal embodiment of the Sanskrit OM, meaning “I am”(amung other things).

So, OM it is.

Numb

That’s about what I mostly feel right now.  Trying to decide if my detachment practice is allowing me the freedom to think clearly or after months of being rather ecstatic at something that I found and then suddenly, it stopped.

Sometimes I feel I should just beak down and cry.  Might even be good for me.  Yet that seems to be something I can either choose to do or not.  Odd feeling that.  The ability to choose when most simply react to things. Oh the feelings are there.  The thoughts are there.  I simply am not going to react to them.

There is another idea.  Faith.  Faith that this is all for a purpose that I do not yet understand.  I mean, so much has happened to me over the last 5 months that has reaffirmed my faith in my path, I think that its still there.  That faith in what I will do.  Not so much in what others do or say. I still have things I need to do regardless of any outside influence.

Sure it would suck to have to wait for another lifetime to try again.  Sigh.  Acceptance of the idea that life is infinite is a serious way to test anyone’s faith.

Let me make sure you understand what I mean by faith.  I do not speak of it in any sort of mainstream religious sense.  This is faith in what I have learned about life any what I can glean from the little whispers of my soul.

You bet I could write out one Hell of a sob story, full of pain and loss but I think that would be an premature and not really helpful for me moving forward in my own path.

So really….its not numbness but more of a sense of  holding ones breath while heading down a compete unknown path and setting what is going to jump out at me.  Will it be something that will startle me, or will I simply see the truth that had always been there?  Maybe is there a black whole of damnation that I must traverse in order to challenge my very soul?  Maybe all of it together.

Fuck it.  I’m going that way any ways. So, bring it on.

Fear

How does one understand fear? Better yet, how do you get past it? Like many things that I can’t possibly experience, I don’t understand how a person knows something is better for them yet decides to remain in a fear-based decision. Keep in mind that I do not equate reactionary/survival-based fear decisions (i.e. running away from a T-Rex about to eat you). I am talking about consciously knowing that a path was opened before you and yet you choose not to take it because of fear.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love – marianne williamson

Is this quote a good enough answer?