That’s about what I mostly feel right now. Trying to decide if my detachment practice is allowing me the freedom to think clearly or after months of being rather ecstatic at something that I found and then suddenly, it stopped.
Sometimes I feel I should just beak down and cry. Might even be good for me. Yet that seems to be something I can either choose to do or not. Odd feeling that. The ability to choose when most simply react to things. Oh the feelings are there. The thoughts are there. I simply am not going to react to them.
There is another idea. Faith. Faith that this is all for a purpose that I do not yet understand. I mean, so much has happened to me over the last 5 months that has reaffirmed my faith in my path, I think that its still there. That faith in what I will do. Not so much in what others do or say. I still have things I need to do regardless of any outside influence.
Sure it would suck to have to wait for another lifetime to try again. Sigh. Acceptance of the idea that life is infinite is a serious way to test anyone’s faith.
Let me make sure you understand what I mean by faith. I do not speak of it in any sort of mainstream religious sense. This is faith in what I have learned about life any what I can glean from the little whispers of my soul.
You bet I could write out one Hell of a sob story, full of pain and loss but I think that would be an premature and not really helpful for me moving forward in my own path.
So really….its not numbness but more of a sense of holding ones breath while heading down a compete unknown path and setting what is going to jump out at me. Will it be something that will startle me, or will I simply see the truth that had always been there? Maybe is there a black whole of damnation that I must traverse in order to challenge my very soul? Maybe all of it together.
Fuck it. I’m going that way any ways. So, bring it on.