One step forward

I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently.  Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years.  Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more.  Trying to see what it’s really about.  I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself.  I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip.  You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.

No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me.  Words that would ring true.  I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.).  I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.

To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being.  That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be.  That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post.  That am I am very aware of.  Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful.  While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth.  Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.

One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up.  The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country.  The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there.  When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.

I’m not going to press the issue.  It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on.  We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach.  I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing.  I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’.  Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way.  Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself.  Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.

Advertisements

And the hits keep right on coming

I’m not even sure where to begin.  This feeling I have right now is some sort of mixture between excitement/fear/power…..I am trying very hard to make the best decisions possible in my next few weeks.

Let’s finish off the previous situation.

I broached the subject of relationship possibility and it was politely turned down. I didn’t manage that conversation well enough to explain that, while it would great to consider such a thing, ultimately I am only looking for confirmation that I have what it takes to find another, more compatible soul for me. I do believe the reaction spoke well of this and I was good with this. I still would like to explain my life story but not sure if this.

“A Challenger enters the arena.”

Then suddenly another kind soul wanders in. The light joking went better than expected and returned with more enthusiasm than I would have thought. Then I get invited to a movie,  with coffee and desert after, and the flirting was pretty strong. I had to actively scale back mine for fear of sounding desperate.

Well, that went stupidly good. I would even say I felt a bit of fear that this type of thing happened but at the same tine, I was elated. Such good fortune made me feel a bit humble too.

You know, if that was all that happened to me, I would look at it as a great event. Yet as the late night infomercials say “but wait! There’s more!”

You remember that initial reason I decided to take a break? The whole initial reason for me to come to the country I’m visiting? Guess who I’m having coffee with in a few days? That’s right. The one person that helped me open a floodgate to my self expression. The one that I thought would be insanely perfect for me.

Now, I have no grand illusions that there is even the slightest chance things wil start again. In fact, I’m quite reserved to the fsct that it will be one of those unfinished businesses which will have to be dealt with in my next life, unless I miraculously attain Buddhahood in this one.  No, I believe this meeting, while slightly a bit awkward, will simply be an acknowledgment of our recent past event, and an understanding that we will have to deal with it once again.

Still, while conversing with this person, my heart was racing pretty good. When I realized things aren’t utterly awkward,  I was my usual witty self.  Meeting this person in real life will be significant for me. Of course I’ll be nervous as hell but it will be necessary to go through.

What will be truly awkward is when the first two meet each other and how I will handle things. The truth about my past can’t be left unsaid any longer it seems. This is going to be a wild weekend.

****

Not sure why this post was stuck in draft-limbo but it’s a week old now.  Might as well add updates here.

Let’s work backwards from the last post, which related to an ‘old’ issue I’ve been working with for almost a year.

Coffee did not happen with the person I was entangled with for a good chunk of time.  I was rather disappointed but such is life.  It’s funny when you can recognize patterns in your life.  Well, it wasn’t how I was hoping to complete the last paragraph in that book but maybe it’ll make for a more interesting read then.  Volume two in that series will be interesting for sure.  Hmm, I wonder if this blog will be around and if I’ll stumble upon it.  Wouldn’t that be a laugh.  Oh wait, isn’t that part of the plot line in Cloud Atlas?  Never mind, it would be interesting any ways.  Well, I wished them good luck with the path they chose for the rest of their life and I’ll move on with mine.  Which brings me a little closer to my immediate events.

Now that my time away is almost over, I have started to feel the twinges of sadness.  I have met some great friends and had some awesome laughs.  I have surprised a lot of people when they learned about my own past and even how old I am.  I made a very close friend that is nearly half my age.  The first time I ever met someone that young and made a real connection.  I will miss them the most but we shall be keeping in contact.  This trip has been full of surprises and I wonder what that friend’s involvement was in a previous life?  There is no way that the laughs and crazy humour could be just a random thing shared.  I am ever so grateful for meeting so many incredible friends here.

As for that ‘challenger’, well it was remote at best for being anything other than a good friend.  I will see about just hanging out one last time with yet another cool person here.

I am quite sad for having to leave here.  I’ve grown a bit attached, even considering trying to find a way back maybe.  Who knows, still a few decisions to make yet before that even becomes remotely possible.

As for my significant other and our status.  I don’t really know.  I knew that I needed a break and now that it’s been a good few months, I’m much more clear headed.  There are still issues to work out that linger.  Normally I’d be looking for a bit more hard for indications on the relationship status but it seems that choice is all up to me.

I learned that I could go any where, make friends, close ones too.  Even find connections in the strangest of locations.  So I have no fear of being alone.  There is only one thing that I am overly-conscious of and I know there will be a pretty big impact for my action if I chose to end the relationship.  You know, its a scary thing to know exactly what would happen, or at least how things would go, if you made a certain choice at a certain time.  Having read quite a bit on Karma lately, I am not really keen on accumulating any demerits if I don’t have to.  So I need to think more on this and give it some time.

I’ll call this break a major success.  Now, let’s finish it off on a positive note, at least as much as I can, and get ready to go home.  Got a one more party my friends are having for me then a few days later, back home.  You know, it’s almost like I miss this place and I’ve not left yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Awareness

How many of you are truly aware of your life?  I don’t mean knowing where the alarm clock snooze button is, nor do I mean having the time slot for Survivor memorized.  I mean that esoteric knowledge of how you are progressing in a more spiritual sense?

For me, I can quite literally feel my world being at a nexus point.  It’s a freaking whirlwind of possibilities.  This is the place where you can make any choice, choose any path with all directions are infinitely possible.  You just need to make the choice and go with it.  Once made, there is no going back to this crossroad.  Oh there will be other crossroads ahead but right now there is only one.

I find that the more I interact with others, the more clear my choices become.  The whole ‘world is a reflection of you’ seems to work wonders when you pay attention.  The interesting thing is that the more clear the path, the less your choices.  Which is fine and a natural progression to the path you ultimately choose to take.

I’m going to meet someone and despite my rather wide range of worldly experience and open nature, I found myself being both excited and nervous.  Upon reflection I realized that I was nervous because I was significantly in-tune with my path and the influences all around me.  I think the nervousness is a sign of connection to something we don’t normally have a connection to.  Kind of like being afraid.  Fear will become less the more you are exposed to certain things (i.e. sky diving, driving really fast, daredevil-type of things and any others really).  So, I am embracing all of it.  No holding back.

What Scares Me

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

The more I learn about myself, the more the quote is true. I am at a point that goes well beyond coincidence. I mean, I chose this break initially to meet someone that I thought would be the next relationship. Or at least something that I could understand about myself. That didn’t work out. Oh I could speculate the reason why, probably even get real damn close with my understanding but ultimately it wouldn’t change the fact that is just not going to happen. . At least in this life. 😉

So, fine. I accepted that and tried to make a change in where I was living. Mostly because I’m too far from the big city. I tried real hard and yet, that didn’t work. Fine, I’ll deal with the “less than optimal” conditions of my rental place. Then WHAM ! Someone else pops up. Seriously. I’m trying not to get lost in this as it is extremely early but…. damn, it’s down right freaky how this feels.

On one side, this person and I have so much in common it’s beyond belief yet there is enough difference to have or own spaces. I have also learned that there is yet another type of visual appeal that I’m drawn to. Didn’t see that coming.

Now, one might think it could be all in my head. That’s always a possibility but when I see real sadness in their eyes whenever I mention that in leaving here in a few weeks, I know I’m not being completely biased. Add the out right “Don’t go.” comments and is nearly heart-breaking to hear.

So what had this got to do with fear? Easy, what choice so I make? Do I stay true to my initial word and “try to work it out” or do I take the known karmic debt for making someone really sad in order for me to be happier in my life? I may preach that we are each responsible for our actions and not the actions/feelings of others but there is a connection, if indirect.

How much of my own power should I choose to exercise? I have the freedom to make any choice I wish. That is our ultimate power. There is nothing that could take that away. Oh you may believe you can’t choose but you would be wrong. I’m not saying there aren’t consequences to any given choice, but there is always choice.

I’m down right frightened of a choice I might make. It’s that real uncertainty, despite every opportunity laid down in front of me. The ones that I have been begging for, wishing for, praying for and now they are seemingly here and it scares the shit out of me.

Well, I’m going to see where this leads and look it straight in the eye. Then I’ll know who I truly am. Writing words is fine but it’s only under the real test does you true self show.