What Scares Me

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

The more I learn about myself, the more the quote is true. I am at a point that goes well beyond coincidence. I mean, I chose this break initially to meet someone that I thought would be the next relationship. Or at least something that I could understand about myself. That didn’t work out. Oh I could speculate the reason why, probably even get real damn close with my understanding but ultimately it wouldn’t change the fact that is just not going to happen. . At least in this life. 😉

So, fine. I accepted that and tried to make a change in where I was living. Mostly because I’m too far from the big city. I tried real hard and yet, that didn’t work. Fine, I’ll deal with the “less than optimal” conditions of my rental place. Then WHAM ! Someone else pops up. Seriously. I’m trying not to get lost in this as it is extremely early but…. damn, it’s down right freaky how this feels.

On one side, this person and I have so much in common it’s beyond belief yet there is enough difference to have or own spaces. I have also learned that there is yet another type of visual appeal that I’m drawn to. Didn’t see that coming.

Now, one might think it could be all in my head. That’s always a possibility but when I see real sadness in their eyes whenever I mention that in leaving here in a few weeks, I know I’m not being completely biased. Add the out right “Don’t go.” comments and is nearly heart-breaking to hear.

So what had this got to do with fear? Easy, what choice so I make? Do I stay true to my initial word and “try to work it out” or do I take the known karmic debt for making someone really sad in order for me to be happier in my life? I may preach that we are each responsible for our actions and not the actions/feelings of others but there is a connection, if indirect.

How much of my own power should I choose to exercise? I have the freedom to make any choice I wish. That is our ultimate power. There is nothing that could take that away. Oh you may believe you can’t choose but you would be wrong. I’m not saying there aren’t consequences to any given choice, but there is always choice.

I’m down right frightened of a choice I might make. It’s that real uncertainty, despite every opportunity laid down in front of me. The ones that I have been begging for, wishing for, praying for and now they are seemingly here and it scares the shit out of me.

Well, I’m going to see where this leads and look it straight in the eye. Then I’ll know who I truly am. Writing words is fine but it’s only under the real test does you true self show.

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