I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently. Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years. Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more. Trying to see what it’s really about. I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself. I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip. You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.
No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me. Words that would ring true. I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.). I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.
To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being. That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be. That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post. That am I am very aware of. Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful. While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth. Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.
One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up. The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country. The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there. When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.
I’m not going to press the issue. It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on. We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach. I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing. I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’. Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way. Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself. Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.