So, getting closer?

It’s been a year since I left my significant other.  Things have been quiet and wholly focussed on my own independence.  It’s been a bit of an eye opener as this has been the first place that I’ve been 100% responsible for.  A slightly strange feeling that most others take for granted because they’ve done it dozens of times.  I have not.

I’ve found that, despite the ups and downs of economic times, I still have my own place.  So clearly I’m capable and responsible enough.  Sure, could use some noticeable organizing but that will come as time progresses.

As for any relations….well something sorta happened recently.  3 weeks ago I connected with this completely random person.  The more we talked, the more eerily it was to see what we had in common in our lives.  There were zero friends that knew each other, so we were both surprised at how this came to be.

Things got going well, chat messages went from casual to consensual rather quickly and soon we were exchanging intimate photos on a pretty regular basis.  I’ve only ever done that with one other person in my life.  So there was tons of fire going on.

Now, we weren’t able to meet as often as we’d like but we talked/chatted pretty regularly.  We met briefly one evening and there was lots of touching and kissing.  I was surprised at myself that this was happening.  I was going right along with it.  Normally I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to strike up a conversation with this person but we started digitally and somehow….it just seemed to have worked.

We were most kinda opposites.  I believed in a soul and the grander universe, the other person did not.  This led to a significant misunderstanding and quite a learning experience after one week of just barely getting to know each other.  Once we got over that, things went very well.  Got to spend some decent amount of time with them one Friday evening.

There was no expectation of things getting all naked, that was asked of me.  I was cool with that.  So we talked, tried to find something on Netflix to play in the background, we laid in each other’s arms, it was wonderful.  Of course, things got intimate, pretty intensely but I stuck to my word and kept things from going to ‘that place’.  Then I guess it was too much for them and they said: “Could you……could you just take off your pants?”

I mean….wow.  I knew this was going to stay oral but damn….I love surprises like that!  So, off they went and all was good 🙂

Everything was going fine again till about a week later.  Then a second ‘incident’ happened.  They had this habit of latching onto some idea, giving it a misguided meaning and refused to acknowledge anything else.  I mean, I’ve seen some stubborn things, and some misguided meanings attached to words and actions but this…..this took the cake.

After a day or so of back and forth messages with absolutely zero ground being made for anyone, I ended it.  I refuse to let someone continually insult my integrity and intentions and then also refuse to accept who I am.

Sure, having someone around to be comfortable with, very, very comfortable with, was nice…..but the price had gotten untenable.

So, it was a good experience overall.  I learned about how I interact with people and sadly, learned how I have to ‘hide’ who I am because I’ve yet to find someone who can handle my world view of things.

This is kinda what bothers me the most.  With the other person, that wasn’t a big issue.  They certainly didn’t have my beliefs at all, but it was strangely ok.  I mean, we just kinda worked.  Had our differences, had our discussions, I could even see them starting to see things the way I did but then it just crashed.

A friend of mine told me “You shine a light into people’s dark places and most aren’t ready to handle that.”  Sigh.  I can’t argue with that.

I don’t want to hide from the world.  I just want to be who I am all the time.  So please, Universe, let me find someone who can handle that.  Someone who is willing to grow and learn.  Someone who is willing to try and understand who I am while I do the same for them.

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