Anger….

So, the Disturbance in the Force wasn’t enough, today it was anger that went beyond normal.

Sure, I was thinking of stuff that annoyed me, made me feel quite bitter and somewhat angry but this time…..this time it was deeper, lasted longer and really disrupted my day.

I swear I’m picking up on someone and they are just hiding it really well, or simply not letting anyone know.

Maybe there has been a lot of anger brewing for awhile?  I mean, I got some rather irritating news and was able to discuss some of it with a friend, mildly venting a bit, and thought that was that.

My FWB says I over-analyze things too much.  True, I do that but I also know that if I can’t source out the problem after awhile, I let it be and usually the answer comes to me. They didn’t quite believe me till I said: “I mostly not try to think when you are around…..well, I try not to think of your <details redacted> and just experience it.”.  I think they bought that and I may have even gained a few added brownie points 😉

I also realized how lonely I still am.  Both days I really just wanted to be around someone who could hug me.  I am trying to keep my perspective that my FWB is really just that….a FWB.  So I’m mostly where I was before….but just with the occasional round of sex thrown in.  So….that’s a step up from the entire previous year.

I also got an invite to the UK to visit another ‘person of interest’ when I was there the last time.  Well….technically it was ‘two times’ ago as the last time I was there, said person actually stood me up a couple of times.  Thought that was more than just a little rude.  So I never bothered contacting them again.  Fast forward a few years and that emotional hurt has gone.  Now we do talk, occasionally, and I got invited to visit them.  I just need to find the best way to be able to do that.  The UK isn’t exactly cheap when you factor in exchange rates and all.

Given that I’m also talking to another ‘favourite’ of mine as well, that I am still attracted too but the conversations are…..awkward.  Only in the sense that I send a message and it doesn’t get answered in days…..sometimes not at all.  So I don’t quite understand that.

Seriously though….why can I not find a decent person, who can hold a decent conversation, that isn’t either ‘in another country’ or ‘have severe debilitating self-esteem issues’ or ‘taken’, or any combination thereof.

While I certainly don’t consider myself to be perfect, clearly I make enough mistakes, but shit, it seems that the only people who are sorta/completely interested in me have some pretty severe limitations that are damn near impossible to get around.

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