I don’t date people in my town….

That title has to be one of the most illogical things I’ve received recently.

The reason that was given?  “It would be embarrassing for my teens if it didn’t work out”.  Well, that’s just plain silly.  I’m not saying ignore your children but to live a life completely basing your dating preferences on what amounts to as straight up fear, is the worst way to live.

Well, as they say, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” and one fear-based significant life aspect leads only to another.  If you want to look at the future with only the negative aspect being your driving goal, kinda speaks volumes on your whole life.

Still on the hunt for a decent companion…..

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So, getting closer?

It’s been a year since I left my significant other.  Things have been quiet and wholly focussed on my own independence.  It’s been a bit of an eye opener as this has been the first place that I’ve been 100% responsible for.  A slightly strange feeling that most others take for granted because they’ve done it dozens of times.  I have not.

I’ve found that, despite the ups and downs of economic times, I still have my own place.  So clearly I’m capable and responsible enough.  Sure, could use some noticeable organizing but that will come as time progresses.

As for any relations….well something sorta happened recently.  3 weeks ago I connected with this completely random person.  The more we talked, the more eerily it was to see what we had in common in our lives.  There were zero friends that knew each other, so we were both surprised at how this came to be.

Things got going well, chat messages went from casual to consensual rather quickly and soon we were exchanging intimate photos on a pretty regular basis.  I’ve only ever done that with one other person in my life.  So there was tons of fire going on.

Now, we weren’t able to meet as often as we’d like but we talked/chatted pretty regularly.  We met briefly one evening and there was lots of touching and kissing.  I was surprised at myself that this was happening.  I was going right along with it.  Normally I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to strike up a conversation with this person but we started digitally and somehow….it just seemed to have worked.

We were most kinda opposites.  I believed in a soul and the grander universe, the other person did not.  This led to a significant misunderstanding and quite a learning experience after one week of just barely getting to know each other.  Once we got over that, things went very well.  Got to spend some decent amount of time with them one Friday evening.

There was no expectation of things getting all naked, that was asked of me.  I was cool with that.  So we talked, tried to find something on Netflix to play in the background, we laid in each other’s arms, it was wonderful.  Of course, things got intimate, pretty intensely but I stuck to my word and kept things from going to ‘that place’.  Then I guess it was too much for them and they said: “Could you……could you just take off your pants?”

I mean….wow.  I knew this was going to stay oral but damn….I love surprises like that!  So, off they went and all was good 🙂

Everything was going fine again till about a week later.  Then a second ‘incident’ happened.  They had this habit of latching onto some idea, giving it a misguided meaning and refused to acknowledge anything else.  I mean, I’ve seen some stubborn things, and some misguided meanings attached to words and actions but this…..this took the cake.

After a day or so of back and forth messages with absolutely zero ground being made for anyone, I ended it.  I refuse to let someone continually insult my integrity and intentions and then also refuse to accept who I am.

Sure, having someone around to be comfortable with, very, very comfortable with, was nice…..but the price had gotten untenable.

So, it was a good experience overall.  I learned about how I interact with people and sadly, learned how I have to ‘hide’ who I am because I’ve yet to find someone who can handle my world view of things.

This is kinda what bothers me the most.  With the other person, that wasn’t a big issue.  They certainly didn’t have my beliefs at all, but it was strangely ok.  I mean, we just kinda worked.  Had our differences, had our discussions, I could even see them starting to see things the way I did but then it just crashed.

A friend of mine told me “You shine a light into people’s dark places and most aren’t ready to handle that.”  Sigh.  I can’t argue with that.

I don’t want to hide from the world.  I just want to be who I am all the time.  So please, Universe, let me find someone who can handle that.  Someone who is willing to grow and learn.  Someone who is willing to try and understand who I am while I do the same for them.

Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

I’m finally starting to get the hang of this thing called life….

Ever since I visiting another place, I made a connection with someone and it continues to blow my mind.

Let’s start at the beginning.

First I was at a pub, at the bar ordering some food.  Then I see this head that barely made it over the top of the bar.  I thought “Oh that’s interesting, I’d like to get to know them better!”.  Well,  god-damn if said person sat at the table of friends I was with!!!  Then we just hit it off.  The rest of my time there was a lot of fun. Hung out a lot with this person but because I was still involved with my ex at the time, I kept things without crossing any lines.  Was I unhappy about my relationship at the time, sure.  Would I be the kind of person who sneaks behind another’s back?  No.  That doesn’t mean I can’t flirt and enjoy another person’s company all the same.

So the following year, I went back to the same place and spent an even longer time.  Between my absence, I kept in touch with some of the people there and that interesting person was one of them.  When I mentioned my return, I was offered a room in their place to rent while I was staying.  Sounded pretty awesome to me.

Now, I knew they had been seeing someone else, so I had no real illusions that I was planning some ulterior motive.  Nope, it was just awesome to see them again, have the odd adventure when they weren’t out with their significant other(which was rare actually).  Help them through some rough spots when they got into an argument but I could already tell that there was trouble brewing.  It wasn’t going to last for them.  Not that I could do much as I had my own relationship issues to deal with but as a friend, I did the best I could to help them get through it.

Time passed.  We kept in touch.  Had a very rough night once and help them through that bit of ugliness.  Then, a few months ago, I made my own choice to move forward in life.  that’s still an ongoing thing and I’m doing pretty good there but let’s get to the meat of this post, shall we?

I’ve read tons and tons on how life supposedly works.  Seen all the faddish movies that talk about all the ‘bells and whistles’ you can do to make your life better and such.  Out of everything I ever saw, read or heard, one thing just worked for me.

I was listening to a playlist for motivation, it included a bunch of different quotes and interview clips from various thought leaders on the subject.  One guy said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When you are going to have that breakthrough, it isn’t something that takes a long time.  It happens at the moment when you make the decision to do something and commit to it.”

Well, going back to my situation and my ideas about this friend.  I decided that I was going to work on getting back to where they are and then work on getting more serious with them.

Over the next week or two, the following things happened: Got interviewed by a company(made it to the second round but ultimately didn’t get the job), got told that I could apply to another company that was really damn close to where the other person I’m interested is, and said person also needed a person to talk to because of their relationship was going from bad to worse(as I initially knew it would).

From what I can tell, it was all from my decision to make going to the other place to essentially be with the other person, was what started this chain of events.  It hasn’t stopped either.  My friend has been going through a very rough time, knows that their relationship will never, ever be what she hoped it to be due to some pretty severe mental issues of their significant other.  So now they are trying to come to terms that they have to make the decision to leave and get untangled from their home life.  Luckily there is no marriage or kids to complicate matters but still, living together and making that leap to leave is never easy for people.  I should know.  Took me 10 years to realize that my own relationship was never going to be fully fulfilling, if not outright detrimental to my personal growth.  I passed this tidbit of wisdom on to this person so that they won’t repeat my lack of action for so long.

So here I am, trying my best to keep things going so that when the opportunity comes, and it will come, I’ll jump right on it and ride it out.

When I take that observer perspective, I can see that it was like placing a piece of the puzzle and getting a glimpse of how the game is played!

Of course, my focus has been towards this goal and remains so.  I have never met someone that I know so well but have only known them for a very short time.  I simply cannot ignore that and because of the distance, it seems wasteful not to be near said person.  Why else have such a bond but never truly be able to act upon it because the distance is so great?  That is the meaning I am giving to this and it seems to be working for me.

I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

A step has been taken

Finally, I got up the courage and tell my significant other that it’s just not working anymore.  I worked really hard at keeping it as enlightened as possible and focus on the positive aspects of the decision.  that, I believe, it what kept the conversation in a rational and not overly-emotional shout-fest.

As expected, occasionally I would get some comments that were far from polite.  I am doing my best to keep it civil till I can move out.  There is no hate, there are no ‘unforgivable’ actions.  This is merely a choice and one which I believe is in my own best interest.

It is not going to be fun over the next couple of weeks, while I try to sort out where it is that I’m actually going to live, and it scares the hell out of but I have to have faith in my choices and walk bravely on.

I will so need a lot of emotional support in the coming months over this.

A life clearing event…

No, not quite the accumulation of all previous posts.  Still working that out.  This is about unstable people.

It’s still hard for me to grasp the idea that a mature adult, with multiple kids, significant life experience, still can’t have an adult conversation when something happens.

Today, I have lost a friend(s).  Sadly one half of that group has zero issues with me, understands me and knows me on a more real level.  It’s the significant other half that has some sort of past issues that can’t be bothered to deal with it.  An event they never, ever dealt with and now takes it out on others without a single, mature thought about it.

So to those types of people, fuck you.  I got better things to do with my life rather than even considering trying to solve such a situation.  You talk a good game but it seems that it was all fake and our friendship meant nothing to you to begin with.  Fine by me.  I’ll move on as I don’t have those issues.  Not interested in dragging it out.  OH I’ll vent here, get it out but that’s part of the whole ‘letting go’ process.

Too bad about your kids though.  You’ve already showed them how not to do things and this….this will only add to more spiritual damage.  A lack of perspective that they could have otherwise learned and grown from.  I feel for those kids but that’s their lives.

So, best of luck in the future and try not to wonder too hard why you have so many issues when you have such a poor outlook on life.

I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you!

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  We spent an evening out with local friends, one which was leaving the country and that I’ve harbored a long standing suspicion that there was ‘something’ between you guys a long time ago.  While at that dinner he was describing ‘this girl’ he was trying to date but had a ‘unique familial circumstance’ and all the time he was talking, you sat there in THE most awkward silence.  This is someone whom you knew longer than me…how could you ever be so awkward around that person?  So quiet?  So “I’m looking at the table so no one notices me and makes any connection to the story being told?”

Can’t get any more damn obvious to me!

Then tonight, you call saying you have to go the mall to return an item and won’t be home till 8pm.  There was ‘something’ in your voice and I asked if you were feeling ok, knowing the recent troubles you’ve had.  You said you were fine but your voice said otherwise.

Oh, and it doesn’t fucking help that we now live in the same city as the person you cheated with either!

It’s getting harder and hard to bide my time before I can make my move to go my own way.  How much can I really hold back?  It’s not in my nature.  I’m spontaneous, I’m enthusiastic, I’m loud.  This silence is nearly as bad as when I learned about your cheating all those years ago.

I really need to fucking scream right now but I have to settle for venting here, to strangers, all my issues that I literally have no one near me to sit and talk it over with.  It’s painful.  Really, emotionally painful.

I push forward with the knowledge and resolve of my plan to go my own way.  Soon pieces will be in place and then we’re done.  I would do it sooner but that just can’t work right now for various reasons.  Soon I’ll be free.  Soon.

Suicidal Thoughts

Nothing scares more than suicidal thoughts.  Oh not mine, thoughts of some one close to me.  When I asked a friend of mine how was their day and I get a stream of ugly words and a picture of pills in a pile they made a shockwave of fear ripped through me.

Right after that I immediately went into fight mode.  All thoughts and options opened up and my next actions were planned out. My friend stopped responding to my texts. Refused to answer any IM calls.  Since they only used a phone, it could be they got a call or chatting with some one else as well.

I texted that if I didn’t get a response with 5 minutes, I would make serious calls. Meaning emergency numbers.

5 minutes went by.  Fine. Call my local emergency number and gave them the deal. As I know name, number and address of my friend, connecting through official channels can be done when the person isn’t local.

As I was giving the final details, my friend responded. They would accept a voice call. It was and awkward moment when I had both on the phone at once(one on Skype, the other on my mobile).  I told my emergency contact that I believe we can wait before going any further.   The emergency person was ok with this.

I then proceeded to talk with my friend for the next 2.5hrs. Even got a laugh out of them.  Had them promise me they were ok as. I had something else to do and I felt confident enough that the immediate danger had passed.

I’m sure there is still work to be done with my friend but I do hope they know just how much I’m here for them.

 

I guess I’m either stupid or smart….

I left my partner to get some clarity of my future.  Sure enough, I got what I thought was a very clear picture.  A new offer for some work, needs a major change in my life, and a better idea of who I am.  Took me nearly 4 months of active effort to get here.  That means time for a chat.

When the talk finally happened, I felt that it wasn’t so clear any more.  That I wanted to try once more.  I know that I’ve been learning when I should be letting go and move on, or simply just take a break and try again.  This now feels like the latter.

How does someone go from being completely in their element, socializing, meeting new people, experiencing new things, to then wanting to go back to hopefully a new try?  Am I just one of those people who really does believe in hope and the good-hearted nature of people so deeply that it overrides everything else I may logically create when on my own?

I know that new and exciting things always hype up my excitement, possibly clouding my judgement but damn….how does my basic nature seem to pull in the opposite nature?

There are some parts to this story that are stupidly ironic and sadly can’t be expressed here due to wanting to keep things fairly private.  It’s almost like the world is pulling the biggest joke on me saying “here is an offer….and the easiest way to do it is with your partner….” yet my whole purpose for doing what I’m doing is to give serious consideration to not being with my partner.  Sigh.

Patience of a damn saint….that’s what I got it seems…..and that’s frustrating at time.