An update and an update!

Ha, bet I’m the first one to write that as a subject line! (Work with me here, I think I’m clever).

So, I need to update the recent Stress post.

After doing some internal searching, I finally decided that it wasn’t _my_ stress.  It was external.  No I’m not blaming it on someone else, and no I’m not alluding to barometric pressure changes.  I mean I was connected with someone and feeling their stress sympathetically!  So, I fired off a few messages to see which one of the people I felt closest to and bingo, hit a response!  The other person first said it was a rather random question that I was asking but yes, they were indeed feeling extremely frustrated at that very moment.  Would you be surprised it was that person I met who pleaded me not to leave after only meeting them 4 weeks ago?  It’s rather interesting to see how I can find people, make significant connections with them and how long they can last, not to mention how strong they can be too.

I even had a dream about that person.  As far as I can remember, I rarely have dreams about people I know.  Lately, due to some upcoming significant changes in my residence, I’ve been dreaming about family and friends.  Pretty detailed stuff.  I told that other person that they were in my dreams, even described it fairly detailed but leaving out some of the intimate feelings that were evoked within said dream.

As this other person and I have kept in casual contact, sending jokes or quick chats back and forth, I mentioned that I had done a bit of early research into renting back in the town where I stayed for awhile.  We talked a bit about details and what type of place I was looking for/price range, that sort of stuff.  Then I was asked if I would share a place with them.  I was a little stunned but would obviously be perfectly fine with it.  I played it cool and well…looks like I have one less consideration to have to go through should I move that way.  Of course, there would be other conversations that would have to be involved.  Out of all the things I have learned, dealing with conflict is a pretty important one.  If you have no agreed upon rule, then emotions will utterly take over and ruin something over a trivial misunderstanding.  What a waste that would be for all involved.

Still, there will be time yet.  Got so much more to finish off before that can be given real thought and not just some casual due diligence investigation.  In regards to my current status, I am thinking of approaching it with a ‘one year separation’.  Every time I have had real freedom, I keep learning more about myself.  The more I learn, the more I feel I become unhindered.  The more I am able to express myself and my true inner-being.  Between having weekends to myself, away from home, to being in another country for more than just a few weeks, it’s like I’m learning to fly in steps.  The next step will be my first taste of true freedom and I doubt I’ll ever turn back.  Yet in order to make this as easy as possible, I need to play it for what it is.  All about me.

Wow….I am still kind of feeling the impact of this offer.  Seriously, it feels like a major point in my life.  Already my brain is working a few stories and what could happen, my imagination takes on a life of it’s own and it’s insanely exciting!  As long as I can keep directing this energy into moving forward intelligently, I’ll be tripping all through the rest of the year!

* Another update….(this is starting to get weird….an update to an update and an update??)

It’s been 18hrs, had some sleep and I’m still in that ‘I can barely believe this is happening’ feeling.  It’s one of those things that you know is exactly on track to a greater you.  As long as I can guide thing upward spiral, not necessarily control but at least just guide it, I’ll be doing good.

Suddenly…..stress!

I don’t get how this happens.  I was on a long public transportation ride back to my city, petty relaxing, a few annoyances with my electronics mis-behaving but otherwise a normal thing.  Some work has piled up and suddenly I need a bunch of stuff done but can’t possibly get them all done as I am only one person.  I get home but just prior, had this growing feeling of….’don’t want to be here’ type of deal.  I don’t get why I suddenly felt annoyed.  Sure, I needed some food and when I’m really hungry, I get irritable but this did not feel like that.  I ate, and suddenly my significant other had a ton of things that just needed to be droned on about.  Way more details that were completely irrelevant and I didn’t need to hear.  Just get to the point so I can get on with my work will you?!

I was away for a day, sure it was for work and sure it was pretty demanding but it wasn’t something that should have set off this feeling of frustration.  I know we are moving and it’s not a small move either. Yet could it really be that insidious as to start causing stress at such a subtle level?  I’m usually quite self-aware of the origins of my feelings/thoughts but sometimes….I just get blind-sided.  I tend to want to think that it’s related to one of my close friends that I have an ‘etheric’ type of bond with.  That would be a more ‘rational’ explanation in that the feelings are coming from a close friend rather than truly of my own origin.  It’s not really that unheard of in society but the more ‘scientific’ types put such things down despite there being more than just a random case of this type of thing.

So what do I do?  Try to contain my words, not terribly successfully, and write out a blog post.

This next geographical move of mine is a big one.  Necessary as a step towards an even bigger move, which I KNOW there will be stress involved, but still necessary.

Let’s see if I can work off this frustration in some work now shall we?

The working class….

I feel real sad when I hear people make the following statements:

I’m making double-time and a half for working the public holiday!

or

WooHoo, I got a refund from the government for my taxes!

Both show an utter lack of real perception.  Let’s deal with the latter because it’s a bit easier to explain.

When you get money back from the government, that means they overcharged you! If it was a retail store, you’d be pissed that it happened in the first place and only be somewhat mollified that they owned up to it nearly 12 months after the fact.  You’d be better NOT paying any taxes through work, saving a ‘reasonable portion’ into a bank account, make some sort of interest on it, then filing at the end of the year and then just writing one big check.  FYI, it is perfectly legal for you to pay your own taxes and not through the company.  Check your local laws regarding it.

Now for the first one.

In typical countries, you get paid 8 hours for the holiday.  So regardless whether you work it or not, you get 100% of your daily wage. (I’m using simple numbers here, don’t get nit-picky on me). So now your ‘dboule time and a half(250%) is down to 150%.  Now if you work it, they give you ‘time and a half’.  Really, it’s just a ‘half’ bonus there.  So if you are making $10/hr, that obviously means you get paid an extra $5/hr.  In an 8 hr shift, that’s a whopping extra $40.  Which usually gets sucked up into extra taxes thus negating the ‘bonus’ for working.  You have just ended up working for ‘barely above normal pay’ for working that holiday.  Was it worth losing a day to yourself for just regular wages essentially?  Not for me it isn’t.

Words for thought.

Long time no update

Ever since the return from my trip, it’s been a busy and hectic time.  I almost forgot about this blog actually.  Which is kind of funny but maybe I just didn’t need this as an outlet for the last couple of months?  In any case, let’s update things a bit shall we.

Still in the same relationship.  Circumstances dictate this for a few more months.  I have many physical things to deal with and once those are done…well, there is the whole “when” thing.  I am going through another stage of ‘shedding’.  The whole ‘getting rid of physical attachments’.  Did this once before when I moved, doing so again.

What is odd but interesting is that I pretty much know what I need for the next leg of my journey.  My partner should be the perfect compliment for the new endeavours I am about to embark on.  There are certain skills that I am keenly aware of in which I lack.  Not having someone who is even remotely close to balancing out that part of me has been a significant reason why my progress has been slow.  Either you learn new skills or you find those who can both enhance yours and be enhanced by the skills you do posses.  My current partner, I believe, gets more from me than I from them.

Still, having a purely intellectual understanding of the things you are keenly aware of does not grant immediate release of the emotions attached to the situation at all. Even the couple of potentials that I met while away may not be the answer.  Should the opportunity even come up, there will be significant discussion on what I am looking for in a relationship.  This will obviously include my own general beliefs about life.  If there is one thing that will ruin a relationship that would be having two completely different views on how the whole universe works.

I think I might give them this blog and say ‘read this.  understand this. know me.’. There is certainly a lot of me here and explains a lot of my core being.

Still, there is that nagging fear that ‘what if you don’t find that perfect significant other while you are in a foreign country trying to make a living?’.  That is an ugly and crippling thought if one were to give into it.

Regardless, I’m still moving along with my progress and have a set time for a point of significant change coming up.  Next spring will see quite a difference in my life.

One step forward

I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently.  Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years.  Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more.  Trying to see what it’s really about.  I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself.  I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip.  You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.

No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me.  Words that would ring true.  I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.).  I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.

To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being.  That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be.  That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post.  That am I am very aware of.  Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful.  While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth.  Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.

One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up.  The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country.  The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there.  When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.

I’m not going to press the issue.  It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on.  We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach.  I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing.  I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’.  Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way.  Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself.  Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.

And the hits keep right on coming

I’m not even sure where to begin.  This feeling I have right now is some sort of mixture between excitement/fear/power…..I am trying very hard to make the best decisions possible in my next few weeks.

Let’s finish off the previous situation.

I broached the subject of relationship possibility and it was politely turned down. I didn’t manage that conversation well enough to explain that, while it would great to consider such a thing, ultimately I am only looking for confirmation that I have what it takes to find another, more compatible soul for me. I do believe the reaction spoke well of this and I was good with this. I still would like to explain my life story but not sure if this.

“A Challenger enters the arena.”

Then suddenly another kind soul wanders in. The light joking went better than expected and returned with more enthusiasm than I would have thought. Then I get invited to a movie,  with coffee and desert after, and the flirting was pretty strong. I had to actively scale back mine for fear of sounding desperate.

Well, that went stupidly good. I would even say I felt a bit of fear that this type of thing happened but at the same tine, I was elated. Such good fortune made me feel a bit humble too.

You know, if that was all that happened to me, I would look at it as a great event. Yet as the late night infomercials say “but wait! There’s more!”

You remember that initial reason I decided to take a break? The whole initial reason for me to come to the country I’m visiting? Guess who I’m having coffee with in a few days? That’s right. The one person that helped me open a floodgate to my self expression. The one that I thought would be insanely perfect for me.

Now, I have no grand illusions that there is even the slightest chance things wil start again. In fact, I’m quite reserved to the fsct that it will be one of those unfinished businesses which will have to be dealt with in my next life, unless I miraculously attain Buddhahood in this one.  No, I believe this meeting, while slightly a bit awkward, will simply be an acknowledgment of our recent past event, and an understanding that we will have to deal with it once again.

Still, while conversing with this person, my heart was racing pretty good. When I realized things aren’t utterly awkward,  I was my usual witty self.  Meeting this person in real life will be significant for me. Of course I’ll be nervous as hell but it will be necessary to go through.

What will be truly awkward is when the first two meet each other and how I will handle things. The truth about my past can’t be left unsaid any longer it seems. This is going to be a wild weekend.

****

Not sure why this post was stuck in draft-limbo but it’s a week old now.  Might as well add updates here.

Let’s work backwards from the last post, which related to an ‘old’ issue I’ve been working with for almost a year.

Coffee did not happen with the person I was entangled with for a good chunk of time.  I was rather disappointed but such is life.  It’s funny when you can recognize patterns in your life.  Well, it wasn’t how I was hoping to complete the last paragraph in that book but maybe it’ll make for a more interesting read then.  Volume two in that series will be interesting for sure.  Hmm, I wonder if this blog will be around and if I’ll stumble upon it.  Wouldn’t that be a laugh.  Oh wait, isn’t that part of the plot line in Cloud Atlas?  Never mind, it would be interesting any ways.  Well, I wished them good luck with the path they chose for the rest of their life and I’ll move on with mine.  Which brings me a little closer to my immediate events.

Now that my time away is almost over, I have started to feel the twinges of sadness.  I have met some great friends and had some awesome laughs.  I have surprised a lot of people when they learned about my own past and even how old I am.  I made a very close friend that is nearly half my age.  The first time I ever met someone that young and made a real connection.  I will miss them the most but we shall be keeping in contact.  This trip has been full of surprises and I wonder what that friend’s involvement was in a previous life?  There is no way that the laughs and crazy humour could be just a random thing shared.  I am ever so grateful for meeting so many incredible friends here.

As for that ‘challenger’, well it was remote at best for being anything other than a good friend.  I will see about just hanging out one last time with yet another cool person here.

I am quite sad for having to leave here.  I’ve grown a bit attached, even considering trying to find a way back maybe.  Who knows, still a few decisions to make yet before that even becomes remotely possible.

As for my significant other and our status.  I don’t really know.  I knew that I needed a break and now that it’s been a good few months, I’m much more clear headed.  There are still issues to work out that linger.  Normally I’d be looking for a bit more hard for indications on the relationship status but it seems that choice is all up to me.

I learned that I could go any where, make friends, close ones too.  Even find connections in the strangest of locations.  So I have no fear of being alone.  There is only one thing that I am overly-conscious of and I know there will be a pretty big impact for my action if I chose to end the relationship.  You know, its a scary thing to know exactly what would happen, or at least how things would go, if you made a certain choice at a certain time.  Having read quite a bit on Karma lately, I am not really keen on accumulating any demerits if I don’t have to.  So I need to think more on this and give it some time.

I’ll call this break a major success.  Now, let’s finish it off on a positive note, at least as much as I can, and get ready to go home.  Got a one more party my friends are having for me then a few days later, back home.  You know, it’s almost like I miss this place and I’ve not left yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Awareness

How many of you are truly aware of your life?  I don’t mean knowing where the alarm clock snooze button is, nor do I mean having the time slot for Survivor memorized.  I mean that esoteric knowledge of how you are progressing in a more spiritual sense?

For me, I can quite literally feel my world being at a nexus point.  It’s a freaking whirlwind of possibilities.  This is the place where you can make any choice, choose any path with all directions are infinitely possible.  You just need to make the choice and go with it.  Once made, there is no going back to this crossroad.  Oh there will be other crossroads ahead but right now there is only one.

I find that the more I interact with others, the more clear my choices become.  The whole ‘world is a reflection of you’ seems to work wonders when you pay attention.  The interesting thing is that the more clear the path, the less your choices.  Which is fine and a natural progression to the path you ultimately choose to take.

I’m going to meet someone and despite my rather wide range of worldly experience and open nature, I found myself being both excited and nervous.  Upon reflection I realized that I was nervous because I was significantly in-tune with my path and the influences all around me.  I think the nervousness is a sign of connection to something we don’t normally have a connection to.  Kind of like being afraid.  Fear will become less the more you are exposed to certain things (i.e. sky diving, driving really fast, daredevil-type of things and any others really).  So, I am embracing all of it.  No holding back.

What Scares Me

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

The more I learn about myself, the more the quote is true. I am at a point that goes well beyond coincidence. I mean, I chose this break initially to meet someone that I thought would be the next relationship. Or at least something that I could understand about myself. That didn’t work out. Oh I could speculate the reason why, probably even get real damn close with my understanding but ultimately it wouldn’t change the fact that is just not going to happen. . At least in this life. 😉

So, fine. I accepted that and tried to make a change in where I was living. Mostly because I’m too far from the big city. I tried real hard and yet, that didn’t work. Fine, I’ll deal with the “less than optimal” conditions of my rental place. Then WHAM ! Someone else pops up. Seriously. I’m trying not to get lost in this as it is extremely early but…. damn, it’s down right freaky how this feels.

On one side, this person and I have so much in common it’s beyond belief yet there is enough difference to have or own spaces. I have also learned that there is yet another type of visual appeal that I’m drawn to. Didn’t see that coming.

Now, one might think it could be all in my head. That’s always a possibility but when I see real sadness in their eyes whenever I mention that in leaving here in a few weeks, I know I’m not being completely biased. Add the out right “Don’t go.” comments and is nearly heart-breaking to hear.

So what had this got to do with fear? Easy, what choice so I make? Do I stay true to my initial word and “try to work it out” or do I take the known karmic debt for making someone really sad in order for me to be happier in my life? I may preach that we are each responsible for our actions and not the actions/feelings of others but there is a connection, if indirect.

How much of my own power should I choose to exercise? I have the freedom to make any choice I wish. That is our ultimate power. There is nothing that could take that away. Oh you may believe you can’t choose but you would be wrong. I’m not saying there aren’t consequences to any given choice, but there is always choice.

I’m down right frightened of a choice I might make. It’s that real uncertainty, despite every opportunity laid down in front of me. The ones that I have been begging for, wishing for, praying for and now they are seemingly here and it scares the shit out of me.

Well, I’m going to see where this leads and look it straight in the eye. Then I’ll know who I truly am. Writing words is fine but it’s only under the real test does you true self show.

What I am capable of

One of the reasons for this break is to find out about me.  To answer the question ‘who am I?’ really.  I have discovered quite a bit already.  I have met quite a few people and made a few connections that look promising.  As my 3rd week here comes to a close, I am thoroughly enjoying myself here.  There are a few things I would like to change, just to optimize some transportation conveniences really but outside of that, things are good.

Tonight will see another gathering of people that I shall interact with and see how many other connections I can make and where they will lead me.

I do believe I am firming up the vision of my future and what kind of environment that I will have surrounding me.  It’ll be the envy of many and I understand why.  Most people simply do not have a clear vision of where they are going.  Most of that is because they are too distracted by the world around them.  They choose to react instead of act.  They believe that the world happens to them when in reality….they are right.  There is a saying that is more true than most people really know.

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”

This is one of the great secrets of the universe.  It’s a literal mechanic that you can work with.  Of course there is a lot of emotions and thoughts to clear out of the way and that’s where everyone gets tripped up.  Even I struggle most of the time but I’m getting better at it 🙂

The problem lies in believability.  Can your mind accept what you are told?  Let’s say there is a way to easily get 100 miles per gallon out of any truck you want.  Most people go ‘that’s not possible!’ and therein lies the problem.  They simply don’t believe it.  Believing in something does not make it true(for the world) but it does make it true(for you).  Yet if someone said “Hey, use this device and you’ll get 10% better mileage!” many people would jump at such a chance.  Why?  Because it is within the real of ‘that seems reasonable’ in their minds despite the fact that such 100mpg devices do exist.

I think optimists have a better chance at finding peace because they look on the positive side and flirt on the edges of dreaming.  It is dreams that ideas are born and everything we have right now was once just someone’s dream.

I keep dreaming of where I will go in life.  This is reflected in my real-world existence and many think it’s just luck.  If you were to give luck the meaning of ‘opportunity’, then yes, there has been a lot of luck in my life.  I have done many things to create such opportunities to manifest.  if I sat at home all day, watching the latest episode of any given ‘reality'(pffft) tv show, then what opportunities am I creating?  Nothing.  I am the opportunity that the creators of the show set out to find.  If I am out at a networking event with high-profile investors, do you think I might have a better chance of doing better in my life?  Yet some want to use some ambiguous term of ‘luck’.

I create my own luck and by shedding any past ideas, letting go of anything that restricts me, I have found out just how much ‘luck’ I can create for myself.  Oh it’s never been a straight line, mistakes are made all along the way yet it’s those mistakes allow me to keep on the right path to where I will end up.

For me, step 1 was the ability to work anywhere in the world.  Check.  Step two, work from a very specific tropical area and travel for work around the world for only half my time.  Working on that one now 😉

So, what are you working on?  Are you working on ‘how long it’s going to take me to pay off X debt’ or are you working on “while I’m working on paying off this debt, let’s find another way to short-cut this!”?

So I sit here….

….and I contemplate my life.

I’m truly at a nexus point in my life.  I can literally feel zero pull/push in any direction and yet somehow I still want there to be one.  Of course that just falls into the whole Universal response of “Oh, you WANT something….ok, have more WANT then!”.

I’ve never been in such a position, well not consciously, where I can just choose what direction I can go.  It’s….unsettling.  Like a few weeks ago, I had a weekend where I had nothing planned, which is unusual.  I was feeling rather lost….like I _should_ be doing something but there was nothing (read no distractions) to keep me from being present and conscious.

The other day I started making some points about what to do in my professional life, and despite having a clear picture of where I’d like to head towards….I couldn’t think of the next step.  I’m a terrible chess player so this should be no surprise to me.  I have a hard time figuring out what my next move, despite knowing how each piece moves individually.

When you can choose from any possibility, it’s severely daunting.

So, I’ll sit in this quiet for awhile longer.  Let my brain and soul take a rest and listen quietly to that inner-voice that will eventually be heard and guide me.