Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

A life clearing event…

No, not quite the accumulation of all previous posts.  Still working that out.  This is about unstable people.

It’s still hard for me to grasp the idea that a mature adult, with multiple kids, significant life experience, still can’t have an adult conversation when something happens.

Today, I have lost a friend(s).  Sadly one half of that group has zero issues with me, understands me and knows me on a more real level.  It’s the significant other half that has some sort of past issues that can’t be bothered to deal with it.  An event they never, ever dealt with and now takes it out on others without a single, mature thought about it.

So to those types of people, fuck you.  I got better things to do with my life rather than even considering trying to solve such a situation.  You talk a good game but it seems that it was all fake and our friendship meant nothing to you to begin with.  Fine by me.  I’ll move on as I don’t have those issues.  Not interested in dragging it out.  OH I’ll vent here, get it out but that’s part of the whole ‘letting go’ process.

Too bad about your kids though.  You’ve already showed them how not to do things and this….this will only add to more spiritual damage.  A lack of perspective that they could have otherwise learned and grown from.  I feel for those kids but that’s their lives.

So, best of luck in the future and try not to wonder too hard why you have so many issues when you have such a poor outlook on life.

I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you!

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  We spent an evening out with local friends, one which was leaving the country and that I’ve harbored a long standing suspicion that there was ‘something’ between you guys a long time ago.  While at that dinner he was describing ‘this girl’ he was trying to date but had a ‘unique familial circumstance’ and all the time he was talking, you sat there in THE most awkward silence.  This is someone whom you knew longer than me…how could you ever be so awkward around that person?  So quiet?  So “I’m looking at the table so no one notices me and makes any connection to the story being told?”

Can’t get any more damn obvious to me!

Then tonight, you call saying you have to go the mall to return an item and won’t be home till 8pm.  There was ‘something’ in your voice and I asked if you were feeling ok, knowing the recent troubles you’ve had.  You said you were fine but your voice said otherwise.

Oh, and it doesn’t fucking help that we now live in the same city as the person you cheated with either!

It’s getting harder and hard to bide my time before I can make my move to go my own way.  How much can I really hold back?  It’s not in my nature.  I’m spontaneous, I’m enthusiastic, I’m loud.  This silence is nearly as bad as when I learned about your cheating all those years ago.

I really need to fucking scream right now but I have to settle for venting here, to strangers, all my issues that I literally have no one near me to sit and talk it over with.  It’s painful.  Really, emotionally painful.

I push forward with the knowledge and resolve of my plan to go my own way.  Soon pieces will be in place and then we’re done.  I would do it sooner but that just can’t work right now for various reasons.  Soon I’ll be free.  Soon.

Suddenly…..stress!

I don’t get how this happens.  I was on a long public transportation ride back to my city, petty relaxing, a few annoyances with my electronics mis-behaving but otherwise a normal thing.  Some work has piled up and suddenly I need a bunch of stuff done but can’t possibly get them all done as I am only one person.  I get home but just prior, had this growing feeling of….’don’t want to be here’ type of deal.  I don’t get why I suddenly felt annoyed.  Sure, I needed some food and when I’m really hungry, I get irritable but this did not feel like that.  I ate, and suddenly my significant other had a ton of things that just needed to be droned on about.  Way more details that were completely irrelevant and I didn’t need to hear.  Just get to the point so I can get on with my work will you?!

I was away for a day, sure it was for work and sure it was pretty demanding but it wasn’t something that should have set off this feeling of frustration.  I know we are moving and it’s not a small move either. Yet could it really be that insidious as to start causing stress at such a subtle level?  I’m usually quite self-aware of the origins of my feelings/thoughts but sometimes….I just get blind-sided.  I tend to want to think that it’s related to one of my close friends that I have an ‘etheric’ type of bond with.  That would be a more ‘rational’ explanation in that the feelings are coming from a close friend rather than truly of my own origin.  It’s not really that unheard of in society but the more ‘scientific’ types put such things down despite there being more than just a random case of this type of thing.

So what do I do?  Try to contain my words, not terribly successfully, and write out a blog post.

This next geographical move of mine is a big one.  Necessary as a step towards an even bigger move, which I KNOW there will be stress involved, but still necessary.

Let’s see if I can work off this frustration in some work now shall we?

Still Human

Seems my peace can be easily disturbed.  I had to actively resist not writing a blog post because it would have been nothing but an ugly rant.  I was so angry at my partner that it took quite a bit of effort not to scream at that person.  So many things they did just kept adding to my frustration and anger, I really have to work at this till I can set up my trip/break from all this.

I was debating for awhile how long I would be gone.  Initially it was going to be a week or two, then potentially 6 months, but now I’m thinking two months should work fine.  Long enough to give me time to recover and reflect.  Time to get away from the daily repetitive babble about what else is wrong with everyone else but themself.  There has been so much talk about quitting, about trying to find a better job just because one person does something that caused an issue.  How typical, don’t deal with the problem, just run away. 

Oh I’m not being hypocritical.  I need this break.  I’ve been trying to deal with this problem for years and with no results. Tired of beating my head against the proverbial brick wall.  About the only thing I’m debating on is do I even tell them where I’m going?  I really want that compete break from everything.  That freedom to do my own thing without the potential for someone to show up at my doorstep to ruin my peace I’m so deseparately trying truly find.

I’ll have to let someone know I suppose. A few people know which country I’m going to, so its not an utter secret. Ok, so got that figured out.

Now, just one more, important thing that needs to happen before things get booked.  Hopefully that will happen soon.

Oh My God, Shut The Hell Up!

This…..this will be a rant.

Seriously.  You just ramble on with stupid observations and idiotic questions.  You know something is in one of those boxes but you are not sure if you should open the box you currently have.  What the hell do you want me to say?  “Oh no, don’t open that box, its full of bad mojo!”  Just open the fucking box and see it had the stuff you are looking for!

You repeat the most inane things.  You have told me no less than 5 times this one fact.  Pointless and obvious at the same time.  Seriously, I am being mentally drowned in less-than-mediocre conversation.  There is no enlightenment here.  There is no stimulation here. I am the only one that brings any kind of laughter into this relationship and I’m tired of it.

You never ask if I’m in the middle of something.  How the hell can I possibly pay attention to what you are saying if you never consider that I might be doing something important and woulda like to hear what you are saying but you never, ever think I am occupied.  Over a decade later and you still don’t know my basic persona?  Fuck.

Update:

Fuck me.  You said you were going to take a shower, you know I was trying to watch a video and you are still fucking babbling on. I just want to scream!

Abusers

If you are an abuser, I have zero sympathy for you.  It is not natural to abuse someone or something that cannot defend him/her/it-self.  There is an implicit trust expected by those who need help and if there is one thing that will raise my anger to levels unheard of is that of those who abusing trust.

I ran into this once in public.  I was so angry I almost started a fight.  Luckily, not sure for who, I was with two other people that talked me out if it, barely.  Those who know me would probably be shocked that I was moved to consider this.  Not the cause but that I would go that far.

Now that I have other skills and friends acquired over the years, anyone who messes with me, my family or my friends will not have a happy day.