I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

A step has been taken

Finally, I got up the courage and tell my significant other that it’s just not working anymore.  I worked really hard at keeping it as enlightened as possible and focus on the positive aspects of the decision.  that, I believe, it what kept the conversation in a rational and not overly-emotional shout-fest.

As expected, occasionally I would get some comments that were far from polite.  I am doing my best to keep it civil till I can move out.  There is no hate, there are no ‘unforgivable’ actions.  This is merely a choice and one which I believe is in my own best interest.

It is not going to be fun over the next couple of weeks, while I try to sort out where it is that I’m actually going to live, and it scares the hell out of but I have to have faith in my choices and walk bravely on.

I will so need a lot of emotional support in the coming months over this.

A life clearing event…

No, not quite the accumulation of all previous posts.  Still working that out.  This is about unstable people.

It’s still hard for me to grasp the idea that a mature adult, with multiple kids, significant life experience, still can’t have an adult conversation when something happens.

Today, I have lost a friend(s).  Sadly one half of that group has zero issues with me, understands me and knows me on a more real level.  It’s the significant other half that has some sort of past issues that can’t be bothered to deal with it.  An event they never, ever dealt with and now takes it out on others without a single, mature thought about it.

So to those types of people, fuck you.  I got better things to do with my life rather than even considering trying to solve such a situation.  You talk a good game but it seems that it was all fake and our friendship meant nothing to you to begin with.  Fine by me.  I’ll move on as I don’t have those issues.  Not interested in dragging it out.  OH I’ll vent here, get it out but that’s part of the whole ‘letting go’ process.

Too bad about your kids though.  You’ve already showed them how not to do things and this….this will only add to more spiritual damage.  A lack of perspective that they could have otherwise learned and grown from.  I feel for those kids but that’s their lives.

So, best of luck in the future and try not to wonder too hard why you have so many issues when you have such a poor outlook on life.

I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you!

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  We spent an evening out with local friends, one which was leaving the country and that I’ve harbored a long standing suspicion that there was ‘something’ between you guys a long time ago.  While at that dinner he was describing ‘this girl’ he was trying to date but had a ‘unique familial circumstance’ and all the time he was talking, you sat there in THE most awkward silence.  This is someone whom you knew longer than me…how could you ever be so awkward around that person?  So quiet?  So “I’m looking at the table so no one notices me and makes any connection to the story being told?”

Can’t get any more damn obvious to me!

Then tonight, you call saying you have to go the mall to return an item and won’t be home till 8pm.  There was ‘something’ in your voice and I asked if you were feeling ok, knowing the recent troubles you’ve had.  You said you were fine but your voice said otherwise.

Oh, and it doesn’t fucking help that we now live in the same city as the person you cheated with either!

It’s getting harder and hard to bide my time before I can make my move to go my own way.  How much can I really hold back?  It’s not in my nature.  I’m spontaneous, I’m enthusiastic, I’m loud.  This silence is nearly as bad as when I learned about your cheating all those years ago.

I really need to fucking scream right now but I have to settle for venting here, to strangers, all my issues that I literally have no one near me to sit and talk it over with.  It’s painful.  Really, emotionally painful.

I push forward with the knowledge and resolve of my plan to go my own way.  Soon pieces will be in place and then we’re done.  I would do it sooner but that just can’t work right now for various reasons.  Soon I’ll be free.  Soon.

Detachment.

Buddhism has a good idea of detachment.  Meaning observe things but do not be lead by them.  Make your choice consciously and proactively instead of emotional knee-jerk reactions.  I am learning so much from my life right now.  I am getting good at being detached from my mind and act as an observer.  Well, technically we are both the difference is where you are actively focusing on.

I am amazed at how much crap my mind is creating in regards to my future.  I see it create so much doubt and I feel it too, yet I will not let it run my decisions.  Sure everything I do will be couched in as much caution that is necessary but I refuse to give into how loudly my mind screams all the worst possible scenarios.  We are so used to listening to our active voice that our true inner voice had been simply drowned out by all the noise.

Oh it is so easy to simply give in and let all the negative thoughts run things. Hell, they might be right….there is a always that chance right?  Right there….that sentence is the most evil one of them all. It plays on your insecurities by introducing FUD(fear, uncertainty, doubt).  In the past, I would have made a much bigger scene based on these thoughts but not this time.

I am choosing to purposely ignore my own mind. I have felt that inner voice and while it can be hard to hear it at times, I refuse to let it be forgotten.  I’ve heard the saying “Do one thing each day that scares you.” well, packing up everything and moving to a while other country on your own with only your soul to guide you is a damn daunting thing to face.  I mean, I haven’t even broached this in the slightest with my partner.  I want to limit the issue at home til the decision is final (i.e. The plane ticket is bought and the bags are packed).

I can already feel feel the tinglings in my gut.  I really don’t like confrontations.  Mostly because I know I can be down right mean and stupid.  To be honest, there is no point trying to correct some one else’s view after years of trying.  It’s literally arguing with a brick wall.

Now that I have an idea of what I’m doing I am doing my due diligence on the plan.  Originally I was just going to go for a visit under kind of partial pretenses.  I mentioned I knew friends and was thinking of setting up a gathering, which is true but the main purpose is to see someone.  Oh I’ll still see those other friends, maybe even do some business as well while there but those are secondary.  A “vacation” isn’t cheap.  Hotels are pretty expensive then a couple of days ago an idea hit me….why don’t I just move there?  If this other person works out, then saving up for another trip will take another month or two at best.  Not sure if I could really deal with the bs at home knowing where I would be going.  That would add undue stress.  Better to cut it clean

Ok, to do so one needs to know cost of doing so. Rent, transportation, food and of course since I’m not a citizen I have to have enough cash to leave the country at the end if my visa stay every time.  Luckily I don’t think I’ll have to go far so it won’t be to expensive to spend a weekend in a neighboring country.  I’ll even try to change it up each time.  Might as will enjoy all of it!  Of course there will have to be a trip back to my family.  If it works out, I’ll try for once a year on that.

As you can tell, I’ve been thinking this a lot in a fairly in-depth manner.  As should anyone who plans on such a change in their lives. Yet I keep the detachment in mind. I try not to get emotional about it so that it skews my perception or mis-calculate things.  I think I got a reasonable safety zone of finances on a monthly basis.  I haven’t looked into how much I’ll have going there with yet.  Part will depend on if I’ll need a deposit on the rental place or not, and if so how much.  I’ll be sure to ask many question and learn as much as I can about the local quirks on how things are listed (i.e. Cost per month, per well, per day?).  Keeping detached also means I won’t “fall in love with pretty pictures” of places either.  Oh there are some nice ones, will framed yet I need to know of any hidden costs and such.

Being detached will help tons.  I’ll get attached after so I can enjoy it fully then!  🙂

Patience

How many of you have it?  What is your limit?

Being the person I am, I like to dive right in and get things done.  I see something i like, I go for it, all out.  If it is of real importance then I have no limits.

Yet when it comes to relationships, there is a certain undefined limit.  That would be the human factor.  You can only go as fast as the other person is comfortable with. Oh you could try to force the issue but that will generally end up bad.  The other person will usually resent you because they would feel they were forced into a decision they weren’t ready for.  Yet how would you cope if sometime was paralyzed with fear?

There is a line from Tea Party’s song Temptation that says “We exist in a world where the fear of illusion is real.”.  The future is an illusion.  It simply does not exist. Indeed, one of the best definitions of fear is “the anticipation of pain.”.  Again with the future that has not happened yet and there is no guarantee that this “pain” will exist ever.  If it does, it is never as bad as the illusion your mind created.

Sure it sounds all romantic to say “If you truly love them, then you will wait.”  The problem with that is it panders to peoples fears. There are few who can truly plan out life changing actions and execute them with ease.

I know there is no real answer to be found here.  Every scenario is different. Every person is different.  This post is part vent, part getting my ideas out to make people think.

I suppose the best thing to do is simple keep nudging, encouraging and occasional give a nice big shove without going all strongarm on the other person.

Shit is about to get real

You know that feeling you get when you are about to kiss someone for the first time? Or how about when you come home, late and you just know your parents are going to yell at you?  That nervous feeling or “butterflies” in your stomach.  Yeah, that feeling.

I have been doing done serious soul searching and making plans for a massive change in life. I’ve been discussing it with someone close to me and mostly glossed over specific details by only going on instinct.  At some point that instinct had to turn into action.  It has come from the spiritual level, into the mental level.  That has been where I’ve been for a few months now.  Today I have noted a subtle shift in my emotions.  That process where the butterflies are manifesting themselves into the real world.  Serious plans have to be given real thoughts.  Actions be made real.  This is a shift and that nervousness is a sign of it emerging.

I kinda want to typically say “As long as I can manage it, I’ll be ok.” but that would be wrong.  I know I will get through this and be ok.  Its not prescient knowledge….or rather maybe it is.  I have no plans to die, and I certainly won’t be giving up on my choices.  It is going to be an interesting ride.  You don’t want to miss it.

Life

I really do believe that life is all about experiences. Indeed they shape who we become and once that is realized, you begin to understand what control you have and that you can change who you are at any given moment. This scares people. If we can change who we are, then why bother having experiences? How do we define ourselves? Why bother doing anything if you can change it?

The answer will be obvious once you contemplate theses things. In fact, just knowing this will change your life regardless if you accept this fact or not. For change is the only thing that is constant in our lives. Those who embrace change are free. Those who embrace change are truly at the forefront of life and growth. To embrace change is to embrace fear. Change cannot happen without fear. Fear is the part that works hard at keeping you safe. Fear is a necessity but only you can choose when fear serves you or hinders you. If you live by fear alone, then fear does not serve you. If you claim to live without fear, then fear also does not serve you when it should.

Use fear and make it serve your bidding.

I’m afraid of the future

The unknown will always be a source of fear for humans.  I’m not sure why but it does seem to be a pretty good constant in our psychology.  Everyone experiences fear, everyone.  We simply just react differently.  Most people will shrink/run away from it.  I am no exception for that in many respects.

Yet if it’s something new that I am learning (unknown) I am open and eager to understand and add to my knowledge.  But when it comes to other humans, especially the opposite sex, I simply have no clear understanding on how they will react to my thoughts/actions.  I know that part of the reason there is fear is because our society has lost it’s way in passing wisdom from elders to the young generation.  In the perfect world, I would have learned from a parent how to deal properly with the opposite sex.  Instead kids learn from their own insecure parents treat each other, or some idealistic video/movie.  There are some cultures that take this to heart and if you aren’t rich, the chick won’t ever talk to you.  Materialism at it’s finest there.

So I am at a cross-roads in my life where a major change is about to happen.  I can see it coming and to be honest, that doesn’t make it easier.  It means that I have to consciously deal with it and wrestle it to the best of my ability to get through it with the least amount of mental/emotional damage (collateral or otherwise).  These are the hardest lessons to learn but ones with the most rewards.

There is a certain excitement in change for me.  Travelling around the world, learning some new technological idea, finding a new group of friends, all of these excite me to no end.  This is why it probably confuses alien races.  How can a human be perfectly ‘gung-ho’ about one thing but shrink in absolute terror of another?  Typically when it relates to another human?

I’ll take this change in my life.  Fear and all.  Even fewer people will understand this change as it will be bigger than the last big change in my life.  I am afraid but I also know that I trust others who have more experience in this area of fear.  The otherside is much better once the journey through fear is done.

Frank Herbert coined the best wording in this matter in his book Dune.

LITANY AGAINST FEAR
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.