I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

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What Scares Me

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

The more I learn about myself, the more the quote is true. I am at a point that goes well beyond coincidence. I mean, I chose this break initially to meet someone that I thought would be the next relationship. Or at least something that I could understand about myself. That didn’t work out. Oh I could speculate the reason why, probably even get real damn close with my understanding but ultimately it wouldn’t change the fact that is just not going to happen. . At least in this life. 😉

So, fine. I accepted that and tried to make a change in where I was living. Mostly because I’m too far from the big city. I tried real hard and yet, that didn’t work. Fine, I’ll deal with the “less than optimal” conditions of my rental place. Then WHAM ! Someone else pops up. Seriously. I’m trying not to get lost in this as it is extremely early but…. damn, it’s down right freaky how this feels.

On one side, this person and I have so much in common it’s beyond belief yet there is enough difference to have or own spaces. I have also learned that there is yet another type of visual appeal that I’m drawn to. Didn’t see that coming.

Now, one might think it could be all in my head. That’s always a possibility but when I see real sadness in their eyes whenever I mention that in leaving here in a few weeks, I know I’m not being completely biased. Add the out right “Don’t go.” comments and is nearly heart-breaking to hear.

So what had this got to do with fear? Easy, what choice so I make? Do I stay true to my initial word and “try to work it out” or do I take the known karmic debt for making someone really sad in order for me to be happier in my life? I may preach that we are each responsible for our actions and not the actions/feelings of others but there is a connection, if indirect.

How much of my own power should I choose to exercise? I have the freedom to make any choice I wish. That is our ultimate power. There is nothing that could take that away. Oh you may believe you can’t choose but you would be wrong. I’m not saying there aren’t consequences to any given choice, but there is always choice.

I’m down right frightened of a choice I might make. It’s that real uncertainty, despite every opportunity laid down in front of me. The ones that I have been begging for, wishing for, praying for and now they are seemingly here and it scares the shit out of me.

Well, I’m going to see where this leads and look it straight in the eye. Then I’ll know who I truly am. Writing words is fine but it’s only under the real test does you true self show.

What I am capable of

One of the reasons for this break is to find out about me.  To answer the question ‘who am I?’ really.  I have discovered quite a bit already.  I have met quite a few people and made a few connections that look promising.  As my 3rd week here comes to a close, I am thoroughly enjoying myself here.  There are a few things I would like to change, just to optimize some transportation conveniences really but outside of that, things are good.

Tonight will see another gathering of people that I shall interact with and see how many other connections I can make and where they will lead me.

I do believe I am firming up the vision of my future and what kind of environment that I will have surrounding me.  It’ll be the envy of many and I understand why.  Most people simply do not have a clear vision of where they are going.  Most of that is because they are too distracted by the world around them.  They choose to react instead of act.  They believe that the world happens to them when in reality….they are right.  There is a saying that is more true than most people really know.

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”

This is one of the great secrets of the universe.  It’s a literal mechanic that you can work with.  Of course there is a lot of emotions and thoughts to clear out of the way and that’s where everyone gets tripped up.  Even I struggle most of the time but I’m getting better at it 🙂

The problem lies in believability.  Can your mind accept what you are told?  Let’s say there is a way to easily get 100 miles per gallon out of any truck you want.  Most people go ‘that’s not possible!’ and therein lies the problem.  They simply don’t believe it.  Believing in something does not make it true(for the world) but it does make it true(for you).  Yet if someone said “Hey, use this device and you’ll get 10% better mileage!” many people would jump at such a chance.  Why?  Because it is within the real of ‘that seems reasonable’ in their minds despite the fact that such 100mpg devices do exist.

I think optimists have a better chance at finding peace because they look on the positive side and flirt on the edges of dreaming.  It is dreams that ideas are born and everything we have right now was once just someone’s dream.

I keep dreaming of where I will go in life.  This is reflected in my real-world existence and many think it’s just luck.  If you were to give luck the meaning of ‘opportunity’, then yes, there has been a lot of luck in my life.  I have done many things to create such opportunities to manifest.  if I sat at home all day, watching the latest episode of any given ‘reality'(pffft) tv show, then what opportunities am I creating?  Nothing.  I am the opportunity that the creators of the show set out to find.  If I am out at a networking event with high-profile investors, do you think I might have a better chance of doing better in my life?  Yet some want to use some ambiguous term of ‘luck’.

I create my own luck and by shedding any past ideas, letting go of anything that restricts me, I have found out just how much ‘luck’ I can create for myself.  Oh it’s never been a straight line, mistakes are made all along the way yet it’s those mistakes allow me to keep on the right path to where I will end up.

For me, step 1 was the ability to work anywhere in the world.  Check.  Step two, work from a very specific tropical area and travel for work around the world for only half my time.  Working on that one now 😉

So, what are you working on?  Are you working on ‘how long it’s going to take me to pay off X debt’ or are you working on “while I’m working on paying off this debt, let’s find another way to short-cut this!”?

So I sit here….

….and I contemplate my life.

I’m truly at a nexus point in my life.  I can literally feel zero pull/push in any direction and yet somehow I still want there to be one.  Of course that just falls into the whole Universal response of “Oh, you WANT something….ok, have more WANT then!”.

I’ve never been in such a position, well not consciously, where I can just choose what direction I can go.  It’s….unsettling.  Like a few weeks ago, I had a weekend where I had nothing planned, which is unusual.  I was feeling rather lost….like I _should_ be doing something but there was nothing (read no distractions) to keep me from being present and conscious.

The other day I started making some points about what to do in my professional life, and despite having a clear picture of where I’d like to head towards….I couldn’t think of the next step.  I’m a terrible chess player so this should be no surprise to me.  I have a hard time figuring out what my next move, despite knowing how each piece moves individually.

When you can choose from any possibility, it’s severely daunting.

So, I’ll sit in this quiet for awhile longer.  Let my brain and soul take a rest and listen quietly to that inner-voice that will eventually be heard and guide me.

Fear

How does one understand fear? Better yet, how do you get past it? Like many things that I can’t possibly experience, I don’t understand how a person knows something is better for them yet decides to remain in a fear-based decision. Keep in mind that I do not equate reactionary/survival-based fear decisions (i.e. running away from a T-Rex about to eat you). I am talking about consciously knowing that a path was opened before you and yet you choose not to take it because of fear.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love – marianne williamson

Is this quote a good enough answer?

What is love?

Emotion? Physical? Spiritual? All three? None?

I’ll give you a hint…..you get to decide. The only thing you have in this world is choice. Understand that you have chosen everything in your life. Oh, I know many of you will rail against this idea with words like “I didn’t choose to break my arm!” “I didn’t choose to get raped.” “I didn’t choose to get cancer!”. As a matter of fact you did. I’ll let that sink in while your rage and incredulity expands with that sentence.

Now, if you have been paying attention to my posts you should have an idea of what I mean and where that statement came from. The first thing I’ll say is “What level was that choice made at?” (Re-read this to get the Level idea). I’ll then state that: Of fucking course no one would consciously ask to get cancer (or whatever bad experience) but let’s clear some things up.

At the physical level, you are correct. You didn’t ask for any of the bad things. At the emotional level you simply cannot ask for such things. That leaves the spiritual level, which so many people leave out. The “marginally more enlightened” people put the burden on “God” which is a kind of blame game for them. Those who truly see things know that you’re soul is much wiser and choose to be born to have certain experiences here. There is no good/bad experiences. There are just experiences. Your soul is immortal, the body is not.

Everything that had happened to you is of your own doing. You will take these experiences, learn from them and next time around, you will be wiser.

“But I want my enlightenment now!”

Yes, yes you do….and going back to want….you got exactly what you asked for already. Congratulations!

Now, have you chosen Love today? If so, on what level?

Life sucks, get a fucking helmet!

That title is one of the best lines that Denis Leary ever uttered.  You want to bitch and moan that it your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted.  Take some responsibility and own up to the choices you made.

Sure, some were sacrifices but don’t go whining to everyone else because you aren’t a CEO or have the ‘prize winning child’.

Here’s a secret though.  Life turned out EXACTLY how you asked it to.  You made the choices, you made the sacrifices, you turned left when you should have turned right.  (Noticing any common words repeating there….?)

Let me give you a quote that is often attributed wrongly to Nelson Mandela, by Marianne Williamson.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

What scares you IS choice.  In fact, the ONLY thing we have in this world is choice.  I’ve seen people who are absolutely brilliant yet wallow in mediocrity because they are afraid to make the choices that would free them.  Some of my best friends are so damned smart that it pains me to see them give in believing it is the better path.  I see the echoes in their stories that are deep-seated roots of what they are truly feeling.

I will not be one who goes ‘quietly into the night’.  I will not be one who lives a life of  ‘quiet desperation’ as so many people do.  My eyes have been open and to live my life any other way would be the greatest atrocity I could ever commit.

Remember who you are responsible for!!!