Suicidal Thoughts

Nothing scares more than suicidal thoughts.  Oh not mine, thoughts of some one close to me.  When I asked a friend of mine how was their day and I get a stream of ugly words and a picture of pills in a pile they made a shockwave of fear ripped through me.

Right after that I immediately went into fight mode.  All thoughts and options opened up and my next actions were planned out. My friend stopped responding to my texts. Refused to answer any IM calls.  Since they only used a phone, it could be they got a call or chatting with some one else as well.

I texted that if I didn’t get a response with 5 minutes, I would make serious calls. Meaning emergency numbers.

5 minutes went by.  Fine. Call my local emergency number and gave them the deal. As I know name, number and address of my friend, connecting through official channels can be done when the person isn’t local.

As I was giving the final details, my friend responded. They would accept a voice call. It was and awkward moment when I had both on the phone at once(one on Skype, the other on my mobile).  I told my emergency contact that I believe we can wait before going any further.   The emergency person was ok with this.

I then proceeded to talk with my friend for the next 2.5hrs. Even got a laugh out of them.  Had them promise me they were ok as. I had something else to do and I felt confident enough that the immediate danger had passed.

I’m sure there is still work to be done with my friend but I do hope they know just how much I’m here for them.



An update and an update!

Ha, bet I’m the first one to write that as a subject line! (Work with me here, I think I’m clever).

So, I need to update the recent Stress post.

After doing some internal searching, I finally decided that it wasn’t _my_ stress.  It was external.  No I’m not blaming it on someone else, and no I’m not alluding to barometric pressure changes.  I mean I was connected with someone and feeling their stress sympathetically!  So, I fired off a few messages to see which one of the people I felt closest to and bingo, hit a response!  The other person first said it was a rather random question that I was asking but yes, they were indeed feeling extremely frustrated at that very moment.  Would you be surprised it was that person I met who pleaded me not to leave after only meeting them 4 weeks ago?  It’s rather interesting to see how I can find people, make significant connections with them and how long they can last, not to mention how strong they can be too.

I even had a dream about that person.  As far as I can remember, I rarely have dreams about people I know.  Lately, due to some upcoming significant changes in my residence, I’ve been dreaming about family and friends.  Pretty detailed stuff.  I told that other person that they were in my dreams, even described it fairly detailed but leaving out some of the intimate feelings that were evoked within said dream.

As this other person and I have kept in casual contact, sending jokes or quick chats back and forth, I mentioned that I had done a bit of early research into renting back in the town where I stayed for awhile.  We talked a bit about details and what type of place I was looking for/price range, that sort of stuff.  Then I was asked if I would share a place with them.  I was a little stunned but would obviously be perfectly fine with it.  I played it cool and well…looks like I have one less consideration to have to go through should I move that way.  Of course, there would be other conversations that would have to be involved.  Out of all the things I have learned, dealing with conflict is a pretty important one.  If you have no agreed upon rule, then emotions will utterly take over and ruin something over a trivial misunderstanding.  What a waste that would be for all involved.

Still, there will be time yet.  Got so much more to finish off before that can be given real thought and not just some casual due diligence investigation.  In regards to my current status, I am thinking of approaching it with a ‘one year separation’.  Every time I have had real freedom, I keep learning more about myself.  The more I learn, the more I feel I become unhindered.  The more I am able to express myself and my true inner-being.  Between having weekends to myself, away from home, to being in another country for more than just a few weeks, it’s like I’m learning to fly in steps.  The next step will be my first taste of true freedom and I doubt I’ll ever turn back.  Yet in order to make this as easy as possible, I need to play it for what it is.  All about me.

Wow….I am still kind of feeling the impact of this offer.  Seriously, it feels like a major point in my life.  Already my brain is working a few stories and what could happen, my imagination takes on a life of it’s own and it’s insanely exciting!  As long as I can keep directing this energy into moving forward intelligently, I’ll be tripping all through the rest of the year!

* Another update….(this is starting to get weird….an update to an update and an update??)

It’s been 18hrs, had some sleep and I’m still in that ‘I can barely believe this is happening’ feeling.  It’s one of those things that you know is exactly on track to a greater you.  As long as I can guide thing upward spiral, not necessarily control but at least just guide it, I’ll be doing good.

One step forward

I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently.  Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years.  Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more.  Trying to see what it’s really about.  I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself.  I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip.  You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.

No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me.  Words that would ring true.  I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.).  I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.

To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being.  That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be.  That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post.  That am I am very aware of.  Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful.  While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth.  Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.

One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up.  The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country.  The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there.  When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.

I’m not going to press the issue.  It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on.  We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach.  I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing.  I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’.  Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way.  Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself.  Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.

We are all connected

I’m pretty sure you’ve heard that phrase a million times and barely gave it a passing thought outside if the usual New Age/Hippie bullshit right? Let’s see about that.

I met a new person a few months ago. We get along so damned well that people wonder if we are related. Our humour, our mannerisms all mesh. It’s like we’ve known each other for years yet it’s only been months. This is connection. No one would be confused upon seeing us. We’ll be good friends forever I think.

Or how about when you work on a project with someone and the end result just is perfect? I had an idea for a logo but could not draw it. I brought it to a graphic designer and not only did that person hit the nail exactly on the head, the subtle improvements that were added just sent it over the edge in how True that image was. Connection.

What about when you meet someone and within a few exchanged messages/chats you feel you can tell anything about them. Like the knowledge is instinctive. You kind of don’t want to believe that it’s happening yet there it is. It that perfect combination. Two people who have experienced things in their lives that despite their vast differences, they fit together like a jigsaw puzzle piece. One simply cannot ignore such things. Indeed you’ll find your thought being more and more preoccupied by this “other you”. If your perspective is on the wrong level, the connection won’t last. You can usually tell this by how long the initial connection takes. Being smitten is one thing…..having their very thoughts/spirit occupy your very core is quite another. If you are just smitten, then the connection is limited in level and by default, limited in strength and will eventually fall apart while you wonder “what went wrong?”

Absolutely nothing went wrong. The relationship ran it’s course based on how it was started. Somethings this happens when sometime recognizes the difference. Sometimes it happens when as person grows while the other does not. When the gap in growth gets to a certain level, the relationship breaks down. It no longer “works”. No one is at fault. This is that one major constant on life that you can count on….change.

What have you notice changing lately?