I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

A step has been taken

Finally, I got up the courage and tell my significant other that it’s just not working anymore.  I worked really hard at keeping it as enlightened as possible and focus on the positive aspects of the decision.  that, I believe, it what kept the conversation in a rational and not overly-emotional shout-fest.

As expected, occasionally I would get some comments that were far from polite.  I am doing my best to keep it civil till I can move out.  There is no hate, there are no ‘unforgivable’ actions.  This is merely a choice and one which I believe is in my own best interest.

It is not going to be fun over the next couple of weeks, while I try to sort out where it is that I’m actually going to live, and it scares the hell out of but I have to have faith in my choices and walk bravely on.

I will so need a lot of emotional support in the coming months over this.

Detachment.

Buddhism has a good idea of detachment.  Meaning observe things but do not be lead by them.  Make your choice consciously and proactively instead of emotional knee-jerk reactions.  I am learning so much from my life right now.  I am getting good at being detached from my mind and act as an observer.  Well, technically we are both the difference is where you are actively focusing on.

I am amazed at how much crap my mind is creating in regards to my future.  I see it create so much doubt and I feel it too, yet I will not let it run my decisions.  Sure everything I do will be couched in as much caution that is necessary but I refuse to give into how loudly my mind screams all the worst possible scenarios.  We are so used to listening to our active voice that our true inner voice had been simply drowned out by all the noise.

Oh it is so easy to simply give in and let all the negative thoughts run things. Hell, they might be right….there is a always that chance right?  Right there….that sentence is the most evil one of them all. It plays on your insecurities by introducing FUD(fear, uncertainty, doubt).  In the past, I would have made a much bigger scene based on these thoughts but not this time.

I am choosing to purposely ignore my own mind. I have felt that inner voice and while it can be hard to hear it at times, I refuse to let it be forgotten.  I’ve heard the saying “Do one thing each day that scares you.” well, packing up everything and moving to a while other country on your own with only your soul to guide you is a damn daunting thing to face.  I mean, I haven’t even broached this in the slightest with my partner.  I want to limit the issue at home til the decision is final (i.e. The plane ticket is bought and the bags are packed).

I can already feel feel the tinglings in my gut.  I really don’t like confrontations.  Mostly because I know I can be down right mean and stupid.  To be honest, there is no point trying to correct some one else’s view after years of trying.  It’s literally arguing with a brick wall.

Now that I have an idea of what I’m doing I am doing my due diligence on the plan.  Originally I was just going to go for a visit under kind of partial pretenses.  I mentioned I knew friends and was thinking of setting up a gathering, which is true but the main purpose is to see someone.  Oh I’ll still see those other friends, maybe even do some business as well while there but those are secondary.  A “vacation” isn’t cheap.  Hotels are pretty expensive then a couple of days ago an idea hit me….why don’t I just move there?  If this other person works out, then saving up for another trip will take another month or two at best.  Not sure if I could really deal with the bs at home knowing where I would be going.  That would add undue stress.  Better to cut it clean

Ok, to do so one needs to know cost of doing so. Rent, transportation, food and of course since I’m not a citizen I have to have enough cash to leave the country at the end if my visa stay every time.  Luckily I don’t think I’ll have to go far so it won’t be to expensive to spend a weekend in a neighboring country.  I’ll even try to change it up each time.  Might as will enjoy all of it!  Of course there will have to be a trip back to my family.  If it works out, I’ll try for once a year on that.

As you can tell, I’ve been thinking this a lot in a fairly in-depth manner.  As should anyone who plans on such a change in their lives. Yet I keep the detachment in mind. I try not to get emotional about it so that it skews my perception or mis-calculate things.  I think I got a reasonable safety zone of finances on a monthly basis.  I haven’t looked into how much I’ll have going there with yet.  Part will depend on if I’ll need a deposit on the rental place or not, and if so how much.  I’ll be sure to ask many question and learn as much as I can about the local quirks on how things are listed (i.e. Cost per month, per well, per day?).  Keeping detached also means I won’t “fall in love with pretty pictures” of places either.  Oh there are some nice ones, will framed yet I need to know of any hidden costs and such.

Being detached will help tons.  I’ll get attached after so I can enjoy it fully then!  🙂

The highest good

How many of you have sacrificed your spiritual growth under the banner of “I don’t want to hurt him/her”?  Were you making a True choice our were you too afraid of making a choice that was for your higher good?  Do not confuse this with “the greater good”.  That just means for humanity at large.  The “higher good” is for your own growth and not that of others, it is personal.

My own mother sacrificed so much for what she trained herself to believe was for the good of the family.  Mostly because of some irrational fear and immaturity on the part of my father. To this day, she does not have any friends she goes out to see.  No one calls her just to talk with her about life.  She had embedded everything she does with family only.  While that can be considered admirable, I want you to sit there and tell me that’s healthy for your soul.  Can you even conceive of not having anyone to talk to outside of your family? What does that teach your kids?  They say that your kids either grow up just like you our completely opposite.  In thus respect, I am completely opposite.  I have friends all over the world. Many who would do anything if I asked them.

My mother had sacrificed a good career just because of my father’s insecurity. This is something I refuse to do.  I will not let anyone stand in my way of my personal growth. This includes breaking relationships that are doing nothing but holding me back.  We all do this, yet for some reason if you say you at leaving your marriage, everyone wants to give you advice on how to keep it.  Well, everyone except those who don’t like your significant other that is.

This change is for my higher good. It is not rash. It is not even a sudden decision, although many will think so but only because they at not “in the loop” of events that have transpired. 7 years is a long time to carry around mistrust and resentment.  The mistrust stated off huge after the cheating was discovered but it eventually died down to a mild case of paranoia.  Hmmm, not really paranoid but just…..a low level of distrust.  The resentment has been growing in a near linear line.  I have had to control my outbursts in reaction to something my partner had done/said.  It’s greeting harder to do and if anything else, that is a sign in of itself things need to change.

I want my fucking patience now!

Seriously. Had a lot of computer-things go wrong today. I finally got over that and the damned headache too. You kissed me on the cheek goodnight, I put headphones on so I can watch a TV on my computer and you’ve been back 3 fucking times with the first 6 minutes!

I’m going to guess that the effort it is taking me not to snap is because of everything that came at me today and not just your one stupid, weak ability to be able to do simple things AFTER you said good night.

I really hope I can work through the next few months. I don’t really want to make a rash decision. Its going to be annoying enough to retool you I’m taking a trip without you and the crap you are going to spew over that.

Going to need some heavy meditation tonight I think.

Biding your time

Have you ever been in a relationship where you knew it was going to end? There was no absolute time/date set, you just knew it would happen. How do you deal with such a thing? Do you radiate malice to its end? Our how about just hostility to the other? What if there was no reason for it ending other than you just need a change? The other person is not necessarily a bad person, they just don’t seem to suit you any more.

How do you let them know? Do you really try to work it out but deep down you know they aren’t going to change and all the things, little and big, have finally added up to something that you really don’t want to work with at all.

Should you just one say, pack up while they were out and leave a note? Is that really cowardly? Or simply the cleanest way to break the tie.

Does the other even deserve anything more than a goodbye note?

None of theses question can even be answered by any of you. There is more to any given situation than outsiders really know and the only answer that matters is the one I give it.