Anger….

So, the Disturbance in the Force wasn’t enough, today it was anger that went beyond normal.

Sure, I was thinking of stuff that annoyed me, made me feel quite bitter and somewhat angry but this time…..this time it was deeper, lasted longer and really disrupted my day.

I swear I’m picking up on someone and they are just hiding it really well, or simply not letting anyone know.

Maybe there has been a lot of anger brewing for awhile?  I mean, I got some rather irritating news and was able to discuss some of it with a friend, mildly venting a bit, and thought that was that.

My FWB says I over-analyze things too much.  True, I do that but I also know that if I can’t source out the problem after awhile, I let it be and usually the answer comes to me. They didn’t quite believe me till I said: “I mostly not try to think when you are around…..well, I try not to think of your <details redacted> and just experience it.”.  I think they bought that and I may have even gained a few added brownie points 😉

I also realized how lonely I still am.  Both days I really just wanted to be around someone who could hug me.  I am trying to keep my perspective that my FWB is really just that….a FWB.  So I’m mostly where I was before….but just with the occasional round of sex thrown in.  So….that’s a step up from the entire previous year.

I also got an invite to the UK to visit another ‘person of interest’ when I was there the last time.  Well….technically it was ‘two times’ ago as the last time I was there, said person actually stood me up a couple of times.  Thought that was more than just a little rude.  So I never bothered contacting them again.  Fast forward a few years and that emotional hurt has gone.  Now we do talk, occasionally, and I got invited to visit them.  I just need to find the best way to be able to do that.  The UK isn’t exactly cheap when you factor in exchange rates and all.

Given that I’m also talking to another ‘favourite’ of mine as well, that I am still attracted too but the conversations are…..awkward.  Only in the sense that I send a message and it doesn’t get answered in days…..sometimes not at all.  So I don’t quite understand that.

Seriously though….why can I not find a decent person, who can hold a decent conversation, that isn’t either ‘in another country’ or ‘have severe debilitating self-esteem issues’ or ‘taken’, or any combination thereof.

While I certainly don’t consider myself to be perfect, clearly I make enough mistakes, but shit, it seems that the only people who are sorta/completely interested in me have some pretty severe limitations that are damn near impossible to get around.

Advertisements

I’d like to say this was my ego but…

Life has a very interesting way of guiding me at times.  Remember that brief but fiery trip I had with someone I thought was going to work out longer but then crashed?

Well, after one week the other person blinked.  I got a text message from them.  I had already decided that it was fine to move on.  Sure, I thought about them on a fairly regular basis, all the potential, and connection.  I summed that up to my process of dealing with something very intense and gradually flushing through my system  My ego really wanted that person to come begging back but I knew that was a fantasy.

I figured that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that I am exactly who I say I am, that I have done nothing malicious or intentionally tried to hurt anyone.  As I had initially set my intentions at the beginning of our connections that we both understood it wouldn’t go anywhere serious in any kind of immediate time frame.  I was ok with that.  I worked with that intention.  Oh sure my dreaming and imagination would occasionally poke its head into the future but I never stayed there and never gave it anything more than a ‘that would be nice’ type of thought.

So the texting turned into what I was trying so hard to do before….have a rational discussion.  When I get angry, I know I will NOT say nice things.  In fact, my mind goes right for the jugular and I aim dead on said person’s weakest spot.  Yeah, you know that would never turn out well except for the most divinely inspired and immediate realization that I was right about that.  Given that such a thing is not likely to happen to many people at all because as humans, we generally will react in a defensive nature and do everything we can to protect that fragile thing of an ego.  So I did the only thing I could do, stop talking and take a break.

Well, I’m not an asshole and held no malice toward the other person.  I knew that there were some serious medical concerns and wished them the best with whatever happens.  Turned out that it was only a few steps away from being something really nasty and can be worked out.  I was glad for that.

The conversation started to build and I really didn’t want to leave a relationship with such a negative amount of karma that I’d have to deal with again the next time around.  We know have an understanding that we are both different, will react differently and feel things differently.  I was really happy that we were talking again.  I said before that as long as we could keep on communicating, we could evolve into a decent relationship.  Seems that they realized I had the right idea on how to handle things, pushed aside their misplaced hurt feelings and made the effort.  That was impressive.  I was honoured to have such a person in my life.

So it’s been 4 days since we’ve started talking, texting/sexting and it’s going well again.  In fact, there was yet another severe breakthrough on their part last night.

They had this one, severely debilitating self-esteem issue about their body.  I mean, to the point that no one, except a doctor, ever saw this issue.  Not their family, not their friends, no one.  Even the rather private photos were taken in such a way that it would never be shown.  We had talked about it, and I understood the root of it but until they were ready to let that go, I could only support them in moving forward.  Well, last night I got a picture of the issue.  It was such an emotionally charged exchange and I had never been so impressed and floored by such a leap of faith that I was stunned.  I only gave praise for who they were and how I felt and that what I felt had not changed because of what I was shown.  In fact, and in reality, I was MORE attracted to them.

That was when I got a tear-soaked video saying thank you for my words.  To me, they were the hero and I should be the only person thanking them.  They made a very massive step from freeing themselves from a self-imposed, negative thought pattern.  That is a rare thing in this world and I am honoured to have witnessed it.

We will be meeting shortly.  I expect some more tears, on both sides actually.  From their begging of acceptance of their issue, and my witness to me losing a regular contract job(that sucks), it’ll be a very raw night.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, getting closer?

It’s been a year since I left my significant other.  Things have been quiet and wholly focussed on my own independence.  It’s been a bit of an eye opener as this has been the first place that I’ve been 100% responsible for.  A slightly strange feeling that most others take for granted because they’ve done it dozens of times.  I have not.

I’ve found that, despite the ups and downs of economic times, I still have my own place.  So clearly I’m capable and responsible enough.  Sure, could use some noticeable organizing but that will come as time progresses.

As for any relations….well something sorta happened recently.  3 weeks ago I connected with this completely random person.  The more we talked, the more eerily it was to see what we had in common in our lives.  There were zero friends that knew each other, so we were both surprised at how this came to be.

Things got going well, chat messages went from casual to consensual rather quickly and soon we were exchanging intimate photos on a pretty regular basis.  I’ve only ever done that with one other person in my life.  So there was tons of fire going on.

Now, we weren’t able to meet as often as we’d like but we talked/chatted pretty regularly.  We met briefly one evening and there was lots of touching and kissing.  I was surprised at myself that this was happening.  I was going right along with it.  Normally I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to strike up a conversation with this person but we started digitally and somehow….it just seemed to have worked.

We were most kinda opposites.  I believed in a soul and the grander universe, the other person did not.  This led to a significant misunderstanding and quite a learning experience after one week of just barely getting to know each other.  Once we got over that, things went very well.  Got to spend some decent amount of time with them one Friday evening.

There was no expectation of things getting all naked, that was asked of me.  I was cool with that.  So we talked, tried to find something on Netflix to play in the background, we laid in each other’s arms, it was wonderful.  Of course, things got intimate, pretty intensely but I stuck to my word and kept things from going to ‘that place’.  Then I guess it was too much for them and they said: “Could you……could you just take off your pants?”

I mean….wow.  I knew this was going to stay oral but damn….I love surprises like that!  So, off they went and all was good 🙂

Everything was going fine again till about a week later.  Then a second ‘incident’ happened.  They had this habit of latching onto some idea, giving it a misguided meaning and refused to acknowledge anything else.  I mean, I’ve seen some stubborn things, and some misguided meanings attached to words and actions but this…..this took the cake.

After a day or so of back and forth messages with absolutely zero ground being made for anyone, I ended it.  I refuse to let someone continually insult my integrity and intentions and then also refuse to accept who I am.

Sure, having someone around to be comfortable with, very, very comfortable with, was nice…..but the price had gotten untenable.

So, it was a good experience overall.  I learned about how I interact with people and sadly, learned how I have to ‘hide’ who I am because I’ve yet to find someone who can handle my world view of things.

This is kinda what bothers me the most.  With the other person, that wasn’t a big issue.  They certainly didn’t have my beliefs at all, but it was strangely ok.  I mean, we just kinda worked.  Had our differences, had our discussions, I could even see them starting to see things the way I did but then it just crashed.

A friend of mine told me “You shine a light into people’s dark places and most aren’t ready to handle that.”  Sigh.  I can’t argue with that.

I don’t want to hide from the world.  I just want to be who I am all the time.  So please, Universe, let me find someone who can handle that.  Someone who is willing to grow and learn.  Someone who is willing to try and understand who I am while I do the same for them.

Life

I really do believe that life is all about experiences. Indeed they shape who we become and once that is realized, you begin to understand what control you have and that you can change who you are at any given moment. This scares people. If we can change who we are, then why bother having experiences? How do we define ourselves? Why bother doing anything if you can change it?

The answer will be obvious once you contemplate theses things. In fact, just knowing this will change your life regardless if you accept this fact or not. For change is the only thing that is constant in our lives. Those who embrace change are free. Those who embrace change are truly at the forefront of life and growth. To embrace change is to embrace fear. Change cannot happen without fear. Fear is the part that works hard at keeping you safe. Fear is a necessity but only you can choose when fear serves you or hinders you. If you live by fear alone, then fear does not serve you. If you claim to live without fear, then fear also does not serve you when it should.

Use fear and make it serve your bidding.

Walk where others fear to tread

How many times have you heard that most people live “a life of quiet desperation”? Maybe you even know this yourself on a deeply intimate level? I’m willing to bet that most of you deny this about your own lives, on a daily basis.

Tell me, what is stopping you? You waiting for some miracle to jump out at you? Or waiting for the money to be there? Maybe you are waiting for someone to do something? I suggest you re-read those questions and find the common theme for the answer. “You”.

There is nothing out there for you to wait for. Your ducks will never be in a row and you want to know why? Because you are waiting. Have you never noticed that ducks are only ever in a row when they are moving! Waiting is not moving. Get your ass in gear!

Damn straight it’ll scare you to make a move. You will always miss 109% of the shots you don’t take. Nothing will ever happen while you wait. Nothing.

If you knew my life, you’d see I have not been idle. Sure it has taken a while to start to see the things I needed to see. Sure things have not turned out the way I expected. I am ever grateful for all my experiences and I am once again upsetting the status quo of my life to allow new changes in. Too long have I sat still. I have been greatly rewarded for this decision. I have been shown a vision of what can be. A vision of things that are possible.

It is strange. I never knew how much I simply missed praise for being who I am. It had been a long time with not a single sincere compliment was given to me. When it did happen I was actually shocked. “Really? You think that of me?” ran through my head. Well if that person thought so, then there must be others?

“I’m a human being, God Dammit! My life has value!”

– Howard Beale, Network(1976, movie, watch it!)

Find those that lift you up. People who add value to your life. The special ones that you can trust. They will show you the way, directly or indirectly. Cherish them.

With such close souls, you will not have fear in anything you do.