I’d like to say this was my ego but…

Life has a very interesting way of guiding me at times.  Remember that brief but fiery trip I had with someone I thought was going to work out longer but then crashed?

Well, after one week the other person blinked.  I got a text message from them.  I had already decided that it was fine to move on.  Sure, I thought about them on a fairly regular basis, all the potential, and connection.  I summed that up to my process of dealing with something very intense and gradually flushing through my system  My ego really wanted that person to come begging back but I knew that was a fantasy.

I figured that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that I am exactly who I say I am, that I have done nothing malicious or intentionally tried to hurt anyone.  As I had initially set my intentions at the beginning of our connections that we both understood it wouldn’t go anywhere serious in any kind of immediate time frame.  I was ok with that.  I worked with that intention.  Oh sure my dreaming and imagination would occasionally poke its head into the future but I never stayed there and never gave it anything more than a ‘that would be nice’ type of thought.

So the texting turned into what I was trying so hard to do before….have a rational discussion.  When I get angry, I know I will NOT say nice things.  In fact, my mind goes right for the jugular and I aim dead on said person’s weakest spot.  Yeah, you know that would never turn out well except for the most divinely inspired and immediate realization that I was right about that.  Given that such a thing is not likely to happen to many people at all because as humans, we generally will react in a defensive nature and do everything we can to protect that fragile thing of an ego.  So I did the only thing I could do, stop talking and take a break.

Well, I’m not an asshole and held no malice toward the other person.  I knew that there were some serious medical concerns and wished them the best with whatever happens.  Turned out that it was only a few steps away from being something really nasty and can be worked out.  I was glad for that.

The conversation started to build and I really didn’t want to leave a relationship with such a negative amount of karma that I’d have to deal with again the next time around.  We know have an understanding that we are both different, will react differently and feel things differently.  I was really happy that we were talking again.  I said before that as long as we could keep on communicating, we could evolve into a decent relationship.  Seems that they realized I had the right idea on how to handle things, pushed aside their misplaced hurt feelings and made the effort.  That was impressive.  I was honoured to have such a person in my life.

So it’s been 4 days since we’ve started talking, texting/sexting and it’s going well again.  In fact, there was yet another severe breakthrough on their part last night.

They had this one, severely debilitating self-esteem issue about their body.  I mean, to the point that no one, except a doctor, ever saw this issue.  Not their family, not their friends, no one.  Even the rather private photos were taken in such a way that it would never be shown.  We had talked about it, and I understood the root of it but until they were ready to let that go, I could only support them in moving forward.  Well, last night I got a picture of the issue.  It was such an emotionally charged exchange and I had never been so impressed and floored by such a leap of faith that I was stunned.  I only gave praise for who they were and how I felt and that what I felt had not changed because of what I was shown.  In fact, and in reality, I was MORE attracted to them.

That was when I got a tear-soaked video saying thank you for my words.  To me, they were the hero and I should be the only person thanking them.  They made a very massive step from freeing themselves from a self-imposed, negative thought pattern.  That is a rare thing in this world and I am honoured to have witnessed it.

We will be meeting shortly.  I expect some more tears, on both sides actually.  From their begging of acceptance of their issue, and my witness to me losing a regular contract job(that sucks), it’ll be a very raw night.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Numb

That’s about what I mostly feel right now.  Trying to decide if my detachment practice is allowing me the freedom to think clearly or after months of being rather ecstatic at something that I found and then suddenly, it stopped.

Sometimes I feel I should just beak down and cry.  Might even be good for me.  Yet that seems to be something I can either choose to do or not.  Odd feeling that.  The ability to choose when most simply react to things. Oh the feelings are there.  The thoughts are there.  I simply am not going to react to them.

There is another idea.  Faith.  Faith that this is all for a purpose that I do not yet understand.  I mean, so much has happened to me over the last 5 months that has reaffirmed my faith in my path, I think that its still there.  That faith in what I will do.  Not so much in what others do or say. I still have things I need to do regardless of any outside influence.

Sure it would suck to have to wait for another lifetime to try again.  Sigh.  Acceptance of the idea that life is infinite is a serious way to test anyone’s faith.

Let me make sure you understand what I mean by faith.  I do not speak of it in any sort of mainstream religious sense.  This is faith in what I have learned about life any what I can glean from the little whispers of my soul.

You bet I could write out one Hell of a sob story, full of pain and loss but I think that would be an premature and not really helpful for me moving forward in my own path.

So really….its not numbness but more of a sense of  holding ones breath while heading down a compete unknown path and setting what is going to jump out at me.  Will it be something that will startle me, or will I simply see the truth that had always been there?  Maybe is there a black whole of damnation that I must traverse in order to challenge my very soul?  Maybe all of it together.

Fuck it.  I’m going that way any ways. So, bring it on.