I don’t date people in my town….

That title has to be one of the most illogical things I’ve received recently.

The reason that was given?  “It would be embarrassing for my teens if it didn’t work out”.  Well, that’s just plain silly.  I’m not saying ignore your children but to live a life completely basing your dating preferences on what amounts to as straight up fear, is the worst way to live.

Well, as they say, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” and one fear-based significant life aspect leads only to another.  If you want to look at the future with only the negative aspect being your driving goal, kinda speaks volumes on your whole life.

Still on the hunt for a decent companion…..

A step has been taken

Finally, I got up the courage and tell my significant other that it’s just not working anymore.  I worked really hard at keeping it as enlightened as possible and focus on the positive aspects of the decision.  that, I believe, it what kept the conversation in a rational and not overly-emotional shout-fest.

As expected, occasionally I would get some comments that were far from polite.  I am doing my best to keep it civil till I can move out.  There is no hate, there are no ‘unforgivable’ actions.  This is merely a choice and one which I believe is in my own best interest.

It is not going to be fun over the next couple of weeks, while I try to sort out where it is that I’m actually going to live, and it scares the hell out of but I have to have faith in my choices and walk bravely on.

I will so need a lot of emotional support in the coming months over this.

Suicidal Thoughts

Nothing scares more than suicidal thoughts.  Oh not mine, thoughts of some one close to me.  When I asked a friend of mine how was their day and I get a stream of ugly words and a picture of pills in a pile they made a shockwave of fear ripped through me.

Right after that I immediately went into fight mode.  All thoughts and options opened up and my next actions were planned out. My friend stopped responding to my texts. Refused to answer any IM calls.  Since they only used a phone, it could be they got a call or chatting with some one else as well.

I texted that if I didn’t get a response with 5 minutes, I would make serious calls. Meaning emergency numbers.

5 minutes went by.  Fine. Call my local emergency number and gave them the deal. As I know name, number and address of my friend, connecting through official channels can be done when the person isn’t local.

As I was giving the final details, my friend responded. They would accept a voice call. It was and awkward moment when I had both on the phone at once(one on Skype, the other on my mobile).  I told my emergency contact that I believe we can wait before going any further.   The emergency person was ok with this.

I then proceeded to talk with my friend for the next 2.5hrs. Even got a laugh out of them.  Had them promise me they were ok as. I had something else to do and I felt confident enough that the immediate danger had passed.

I’m sure there is still work to be done with my friend but I do hope they know just how much I’m here for them.

 

What Scares Me

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

The more I learn about myself, the more the quote is true. I am at a point that goes well beyond coincidence. I mean, I chose this break initially to meet someone that I thought would be the next relationship. Or at least something that I could understand about myself. That didn’t work out. Oh I could speculate the reason why, probably even get real damn close with my understanding but ultimately it wouldn’t change the fact that is just not going to happen. . At least in this life. 😉

So, fine. I accepted that and tried to make a change in where I was living. Mostly because I’m too far from the big city. I tried real hard and yet, that didn’t work. Fine, I’ll deal with the “less than optimal” conditions of my rental place. Then WHAM ! Someone else pops up. Seriously. I’m trying not to get lost in this as it is extremely early but…. damn, it’s down right freaky how this feels.

On one side, this person and I have so much in common it’s beyond belief yet there is enough difference to have or own spaces. I have also learned that there is yet another type of visual appeal that I’m drawn to. Didn’t see that coming.

Now, one might think it could be all in my head. That’s always a possibility but when I see real sadness in their eyes whenever I mention that in leaving here in a few weeks, I know I’m not being completely biased. Add the out right “Don’t go.” comments and is nearly heart-breaking to hear.

So what had this got to do with fear? Easy, what choice so I make? Do I stay true to my initial word and “try to work it out” or do I take the known karmic debt for making someone really sad in order for me to be happier in my life? I may preach that we are each responsible for our actions and not the actions/feelings of others but there is a connection, if indirect.

How much of my own power should I choose to exercise? I have the freedom to make any choice I wish. That is our ultimate power. There is nothing that could take that away. Oh you may believe you can’t choose but you would be wrong. I’m not saying there aren’t consequences to any given choice, but there is always choice.

I’m down right frightened of a choice I might make. It’s that real uncertainty, despite every opportunity laid down in front of me. The ones that I have been begging for, wishing for, praying for and now they are seemingly here and it scares the shit out of me.

Well, I’m going to see where this leads and look it straight in the eye. Then I’ll know who I truly am. Writing words is fine but it’s only under the real test does you true self show.

I’m a WYSIWYG type of person

I know of a term in computers called WYSIWYG.  Its an acronym for “what you see is what you get”.  Basically when someone designs a program or website, the application used to design it shows you the final product as you go along.  There is no fancy need to “compile” the thing, your design is instant.  It is like the difference between using a keyboard to type “draw a square” versus a mouse to actually draw the square.  I’m like the latter.

While I try my best to follow my intuition and inspiration, I do prefer non-subtle ways of communication.  Yet I know that is purely a fear-based habit.  I’m afraid if being/interpreting things wrongly.  Its easy to do so because we are humans.  We have a problem with both communicating properly as weell as processing information without bias. There is also the ever-present over-thinking that is usually the culprit.  “Why did he do that?  Was it because of ‘x’ or ‘y’?” Which leads to a billion other questions which you can’t possibly answer and get bogged down with “paralysis by analysis” and never get anywhere.

This makes life rather oddly difficult for those if us who are open, honest and mean exactly what they say.  Why? Because so many others do not that everyone thinks you are trying to hide your true intentions because that is what they do.  What an ironic twist of fate huh?

What I also know is that few people can handle those who are truly open an honest.  To use a tired quote-cliche “You can’t handle the truth!”.  If you are someone bogged down by your own mis-guided thoughts/choose to believe others instead of your self, when someone comes along and shines a light on it, it is like being in the dark and someone turning a flashlight on right at your eyeballs.  It is quite painful and our minds are designed to avoid pain.  If you are like most people, you do everything you can to avoid that pain.  If you are one of the few who look toward finding a way to grow spiritually, then you deal with the pain and understand that the light you see is truly beneficial to your world.

I try my best to be a better person, to learn from many people/ideas.  Do I know better than anyone else?  Not necessarily.  I can only offer my experiences and wisdom that I have gained in my years of searching and pattern recognition of non-helpful behaviors.  Take from my writings what serves you best, everything else, ignore.

Fear

How does one understand fear? Better yet, how do you get past it? Like many things that I can’t possibly experience, I don’t understand how a person knows something is better for them yet decides to remain in a fear-based decision. Keep in mind that I do not equate reactionary/survival-based fear decisions (i.e. running away from a T-Rex about to eat you). I am talking about consciously knowing that a path was opened before you and yet you choose not to take it because of fear.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love – marianne williamson

Is this quote a good enough answer?

Detachment.

Buddhism has a good idea of detachment.  Meaning observe things but do not be lead by them.  Make your choice consciously and proactively instead of emotional knee-jerk reactions.  I am learning so much from my life right now.  I am getting good at being detached from my mind and act as an observer.  Well, technically we are both the difference is where you are actively focusing on.

I am amazed at how much crap my mind is creating in regards to my future.  I see it create so much doubt and I feel it too, yet I will not let it run my decisions.  Sure everything I do will be couched in as much caution that is necessary but I refuse to give into how loudly my mind screams all the worst possible scenarios.  We are so used to listening to our active voice that our true inner voice had been simply drowned out by all the noise.

Oh it is so easy to simply give in and let all the negative thoughts run things. Hell, they might be right….there is a always that chance right?  Right there….that sentence is the most evil one of them all. It plays on your insecurities by introducing FUD(fear, uncertainty, doubt).  In the past, I would have made a much bigger scene based on these thoughts but not this time.

I am choosing to purposely ignore my own mind. I have felt that inner voice and while it can be hard to hear it at times, I refuse to let it be forgotten.  I’ve heard the saying “Do one thing each day that scares you.” well, packing up everything and moving to a while other country on your own with only your soul to guide you is a damn daunting thing to face.  I mean, I haven’t even broached this in the slightest with my partner.  I want to limit the issue at home til the decision is final (i.e. The plane ticket is bought and the bags are packed).

I can already feel feel the tinglings in my gut.  I really don’t like confrontations.  Mostly because I know I can be down right mean and stupid.  To be honest, there is no point trying to correct some one else’s view after years of trying.  It’s literally arguing with a brick wall.

Now that I have an idea of what I’m doing I am doing my due diligence on the plan.  Originally I was just going to go for a visit under kind of partial pretenses.  I mentioned I knew friends and was thinking of setting up a gathering, which is true but the main purpose is to see someone.  Oh I’ll still see those other friends, maybe even do some business as well while there but those are secondary.  A “vacation” isn’t cheap.  Hotels are pretty expensive then a couple of days ago an idea hit me….why don’t I just move there?  If this other person works out, then saving up for another trip will take another month or two at best.  Not sure if I could really deal with the bs at home knowing where I would be going.  That would add undue stress.  Better to cut it clean

Ok, to do so one needs to know cost of doing so. Rent, transportation, food and of course since I’m not a citizen I have to have enough cash to leave the country at the end if my visa stay every time.  Luckily I don’t think I’ll have to go far so it won’t be to expensive to spend a weekend in a neighboring country.  I’ll even try to change it up each time.  Might as will enjoy all of it!  Of course there will have to be a trip back to my family.  If it works out, I’ll try for once a year on that.

As you can tell, I’ve been thinking this a lot in a fairly in-depth manner.  As should anyone who plans on such a change in their lives. Yet I keep the detachment in mind. I try not to get emotional about it so that it skews my perception or mis-calculate things.  I think I got a reasonable safety zone of finances on a monthly basis.  I haven’t looked into how much I’ll have going there with yet.  Part will depend on if I’ll need a deposit on the rental place or not, and if so how much.  I’ll be sure to ask many question and learn as much as I can about the local quirks on how things are listed (i.e. Cost per month, per well, per day?).  Keeping detached also means I won’t “fall in love with pretty pictures” of places either.  Oh there are some nice ones, will framed yet I need to know of any hidden costs and such.

Being detached will help tons.  I’ll get attached after so I can enjoy it fully then!  🙂

Patience

How many of you have it?  What is your limit?

Being the person I am, I like to dive right in and get things done.  I see something i like, I go for it, all out.  If it is of real importance then I have no limits.

Yet when it comes to relationships, there is a certain undefined limit.  That would be the human factor.  You can only go as fast as the other person is comfortable with. Oh you could try to force the issue but that will generally end up bad.  The other person will usually resent you because they would feel they were forced into a decision they weren’t ready for.  Yet how would you cope if sometime was paralyzed with fear?

There is a line from Tea Party’s song Temptation that says “We exist in a world where the fear of illusion is real.”.  The future is an illusion.  It simply does not exist. Indeed, one of the best definitions of fear is “the anticipation of pain.”.  Again with the future that has not happened yet and there is no guarantee that this “pain” will exist ever.  If it does, it is never as bad as the illusion your mind created.

Sure it sounds all romantic to say “If you truly love them, then you will wait.”  The problem with that is it panders to peoples fears. There are few who can truly plan out life changing actions and execute them with ease.

I know there is no real answer to be found here.  Every scenario is different. Every person is different.  This post is part vent, part getting my ideas out to make people think.

I suppose the best thing to do is simple keep nudging, encouraging and occasional give a nice big shove without going all strongarm on the other person.

Shit is about to get real

You know that feeling you get when you are about to kiss someone for the first time? Or how about when you come home, late and you just know your parents are going to yell at you?  That nervous feeling or “butterflies” in your stomach.  Yeah, that feeling.

I have been doing done serious soul searching and making plans for a massive change in life. I’ve been discussing it with someone close to me and mostly glossed over specific details by only going on instinct.  At some point that instinct had to turn into action.  It has come from the spiritual level, into the mental level.  That has been where I’ve been for a few months now.  Today I have noted a subtle shift in my emotions.  That process where the butterflies are manifesting themselves into the real world.  Serious plans have to be given real thoughts.  Actions be made real.  This is a shift and that nervousness is a sign of it emerging.

I kinda want to typically say “As long as I can manage it, I’ll be ok.” but that would be wrong.  I know I will get through this and be ok.  Its not prescient knowledge….or rather maybe it is.  I have no plans to die, and I certainly won’t be giving up on my choices.  It is going to be an interesting ride.  You don’t want to miss it.

“Scream into the Unknown and wait for an answer!”

There is a band called SlowEarth.  They are pretty damn awesome.  The title of this post is from their song “Rebirth“.  The song touches me on one of the deepest levels.

I see this song/these particular words as an ultimate form of faith.  I touched briefly on this in the Wishes post.  At our current psychological evolution, we have a hard time understanding and appreciating gratification of our fondest desires.  The vast majority of people would get lost if they got everything they wanted the moment they asked for it.  So there is a delay.  This delay is built in on  purpose to make sure that what we ask for is exactly what we need.  If you can’t keep the question in your mind, and if you do not resonate with true desire, then it will never happen.

But!

If you can truly hold a single thought in your consciousness, and that it vibrates with the same frequency of your soul, then you can be rest assured of an answer.

Now, there is another problem.  When the answer comes, it is usually powerful and overwhelming.  To the point where your mind retreats into old habits.  Remember that your mind just fucks with you in order to ‘protect’ you.  It has a use but it’s more like an over-protective mother.  At some point you just gotta say “thanks, but I’ll take it from here.” because you are mature enough.

When that moment comes, this is a truly defining moment for anyone.  Some embrace it without reservation.  Those people who do  are the memorable ones.  The ones with no fear.  The ones who seem to have it all together and got that feeling of a ‘powerful personality’.  You just know that if they put their mind to it, it just happens.  The trick is that we can all do that if we choose.  Most do not, hence the state of the world today.

Understand that emotion called fear.  One of the best definitions of fear is ‘the anticipation of pain’.  Read that definition again to really grasp that meaning.  It speaks of something in the future, something that does not exists! You are literally afraid of nothing!  When you should be afraid of nothing. (Let’s see who gets the two totally different meanings in those sentences.).

How about this little acronym.  False Evidence Appearing Real.  Remember that this is your mind still fucking with you.  There is nothing holding you back but yourself.  Take life by the god-damn horns and fucking live it!

No where do I ever mean to live recklessly.  Those who are reckless ignore the messages coming to them and simply act on an impulse that has nothing to do with their soul.  They can be fun to be around but be aware of their reasons for their actions.  If something seems not quite right, then you need to be concerned for your own well-being and  potential for being sucked in.

Those who are true to their soul you just know.  There is no doubt.  There is no shame.  This could even scare you because their vibrations start to affect you and despite your subconscious ‘screaming into the unknown’ and now getting the answer, you are taken aback by it.  Old thought patterns arise, fear rears if ugly head and you miss out on the greatest opportunity of your life.

The funny thing is that you don’t realize how much of a positive, watershed effect that will have on those around you.  If you choose to be inspired by another, then those closest to you can’t help but feel the same.  If your soul is lifted to heights you have never experienced before, so will those who are closest and dearest.  Those who do not, they will drop out of your life because they would only be holding you back.

Indeed, I believe that one of the problems that people don’t realize is that they take the advice of someone ELSE and apply it to their life.  That person cannot possibly know what is best for you.  Keep in mind that if you have the slightest inkling for listening to life on it’s most subtle, spiritual level, any advice you hear is from someone’s MENTAL level.  This will completely fuck you up and ruin your chance that stands before you.

I believe this has happened in my life.  My current life-partner is taking advice from one of their friends and this advice has caused a severe and irreversible rift between us.  The problem is my life-partner thought it was ‘logical’ and so took it.  Remember when I said that your mind fucks with you.  Prime example.  That other person does not know your future.  Does not know your intimate details.  Does not know your soul.  They only know themselves and for THEM, that is what THEY would do.  So, now my life-partner has taken on that advice, which is paired to the karma of another, and completely fucked this relationship.  All this without speaking a god-damned word to me.  How idiotic can you get?  You start making decisions because someone else tells you it’s the right thing to do and you DON’T discuss it?  Not the brightest thing to do.

I have seen this time and time again.  A former love-interest did exactly that and I lost that relationship.  Now I’m loosing a spouse.  Lost a spouse.  I’m ok with this.  Sure, it’s not gong to be a walk in the park but it will be freeing.  I have learned much about myself and what I am willing to accept.

I have been ‘screaming into the unknown” for awhile.  I have had an answer of sorts.  I understand more about life now and will now seek to embrace what I have been missing.  I know what to look for now and with my newest ‘scream into the unknown’, I am looking for the exact same scream coming to me now.  I don’t know when/where I’ll find it but I know, I will find it.