Struggling

It’s very hard to let go of anger.  I’m having such a hard time trying to stop being so annoyed with that person who blew me off.  I don’t get it. How can people be so blind to their actions?  How can they think that whatever they do is perfectly fine.

I’m trying so hard to improve myself. Trying to find a place that I feel emotuonally comfortable in for awhile.  I told a friend that I was surprised to see so many people with utter lack of integrity. I wondered what had happened to people or have I really matured so far that I’m just seeing how common it really is?

Not sure where to go from here.

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Fuck you people without integrity!

You know, I’m getting real tired of being stood up.  Is it really too much to ask for a simple text “sorry, can’t make it”?  Am I worth so little of your fucking time that this is the world biggest fucking chore?

This is the 3rd time someone has done this to me.  Although one of them still has an opportunity to redeem themselves because it is entirely possible something really important just literally came up and needs attention.  Hey, I get that.  It’s just that if you can’t find the time to text me the next day, then fuck you and your lack of integrity.

I just don’t get people like this.  If you can’t follow through on plans, then just don’t fucking make them!

Getting real tired of this shit….

Why the hell can’t people be more considerate?

I mean, we make some ‘tentative’ plans, with the understanding that it might not happen.  I’m fine with that but when it doesn’t happen, then you fucking let me know.  Don’t leave me hanging all damn day without even a ‘sorry, can’t make it’ message.  Fuck.  Is it really that hard to send a message?!

Fuck your ‘I don’t want to disappoint you’ beliefs.  You fucking just did.  How the fuck did you think I was going to feel?  “Oh it’s fine…that’s just the situation.”  How about some god damn fucking courtesy?!

For the last week, you’ve done nothing to pull right back.  Fuck!  It’s really, really annoying to deal with people and their fears that they give in to.

We were ‘on the same page’ without actually saying any words.  Things were feeling great, exchanges were energetic and happy.  I used to get ‘Good Morning” with a kiss emoji.  Now….nothing.  You let slip some words and then condemned me for saying the same damn thing.

Yeah, patience was never my strong suit but damn…..courtesy doesn’t seem to be yours.  Despite you also accusing me of the same thing.

Also, to that other person who seemed interested but then hid behind the ‘oh well, just someone else on a digital platform that I don’t have to bother getting to know at all despite that’s my whole reason for being here.”  Fuck you and your attitude.  You ignore questions and can’t put any real effort into even seeing what is possible.

Fuck people today.  Just….fuck them.

Anger….

So, the Disturbance in the Force wasn’t enough, today it was anger that went beyond normal.

Sure, I was thinking of stuff that annoyed me, made me feel quite bitter and somewhat angry but this time…..this time it was deeper, lasted longer and really disrupted my day.

I swear I’m picking up on someone and they are just hiding it really well, or simply not letting anyone know.

Maybe there has been a lot of anger brewing for awhile?  I mean, I got some rather irritating news and was able to discuss some of it with a friend, mildly venting a bit, and thought that was that.

My FWB says I over-analyze things too much.  True, I do that but I also know that if I can’t source out the problem after awhile, I let it be and usually the answer comes to me. They didn’t quite believe me till I said: “I mostly not try to think when you are around…..well, I try not to think of your <details redacted> and just experience it.”.  I think they bought that and I may have even gained a few added brownie points 😉

I also realized how lonely I still am.  Both days I really just wanted to be around someone who could hug me.  I am trying to keep my perspective that my FWB is really just that….a FWB.  So I’m mostly where I was before….but just with the occasional round of sex thrown in.  So….that’s a step up from the entire previous year.

I also got an invite to the UK to visit another ‘person of interest’ when I was there the last time.  Well….technically it was ‘two times’ ago as the last time I was there, said person actually stood me up a couple of times.  Thought that was more than just a little rude.  So I never bothered contacting them again.  Fast forward a few years and that emotional hurt has gone.  Now we do talk, occasionally, and I got invited to visit them.  I just need to find the best way to be able to do that.  The UK isn’t exactly cheap when you factor in exchange rates and all.

Given that I’m also talking to another ‘favourite’ of mine as well, that I am still attracted too but the conversations are…..awkward.  Only in the sense that I send a message and it doesn’t get answered in days…..sometimes not at all.  So I don’t quite understand that.

Seriously though….why can I not find a decent person, who can hold a decent conversation, that isn’t either ‘in another country’ or ‘have severe debilitating self-esteem issues’ or ‘taken’, or any combination thereof.

While I certainly don’t consider myself to be perfect, clearly I make enough mistakes, but shit, it seems that the only people who are sorta/completely interested in me have some pretty severe limitations that are damn near impossible to get around.

A disturbance in the Force

Today I was totally off.  Something was wrong somewhere.  None of my immediate close friends were obviously having issue. I asked my FWB and they said all was fine. Could have been a cover-up but I’ll take their word for it.

Best I could do was to meditate to try and dissipate this sickening feeling I had.

Doesn’t help when I got one friend with Cancer and another who has to take morphine for back pain.  Those are just as likely to be connected with my and that feeling.

The feeling died down but only just recently, before going to bed, that I noticed it was quite gone.

I was chatting with a friend, one of my few closest, trying to figure it out but got nowhere. Got some neat ideas from them, as usual.

Ok, too tired to make this any sort of real useful Post. Will try better next time.

Harsh lessons

I learned a rather valuable lesson yesterday through finally seeing a major mistake I’ve made with relationships in the past . My FWB got really upset when I wanted to be exclusive.  They basically said that’s not what they need at this point in their life and it would only add stress where their limit has already been hit.  Of course there was a lot more words and tears to this, just giving you the short version.

My learning?  I finally, finally realized where I’ve gone wrong in the past with relationships that didn’t work out at all. I was such an idiot. See, I thought I was helping by dedicating myself to the other person.  In truth, it was a selfish act and I was not paying attention to what the other person was asking for.  They wanted something very specific from me and I was taking that as wanting something more.  Man did I ever feel like crap when that realization hit me last night.  Despite all my grand learning and experiences, I can still make some big mistakes.  At least now I know and that my FWB was able to express to me what I was not doing what they needed.

Hurray for progress….

So, getting closer?

It’s been a year since I left my significant other.  Things have been quiet and wholly focussed on my own independence.  It’s been a bit of an eye opener as this has been the first place that I’ve been 100% responsible for.  A slightly strange feeling that most others take for granted because they’ve done it dozens of times.  I have not.

I’ve found that, despite the ups and downs of economic times, I still have my own place.  So clearly I’m capable and responsible enough.  Sure, could use some noticeable organizing but that will come as time progresses.

As for any relations….well something sorta happened recently.  3 weeks ago I connected with this completely random person.  The more we talked, the more eerily it was to see what we had in common in our lives.  There were zero friends that knew each other, so we were both surprised at how this came to be.

Things got going well, chat messages went from casual to consensual rather quickly and soon we were exchanging intimate photos on a pretty regular basis.  I’ve only ever done that with one other person in my life.  So there was tons of fire going on.

Now, we weren’t able to meet as often as we’d like but we talked/chatted pretty regularly.  We met briefly one evening and there was lots of touching and kissing.  I was surprised at myself that this was happening.  I was going right along with it.  Normally I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to strike up a conversation with this person but we started digitally and somehow….it just seemed to have worked.

We were most kinda opposites.  I believed in a soul and the grander universe, the other person did not.  This led to a significant misunderstanding and quite a learning experience after one week of just barely getting to know each other.  Once we got over that, things went very well.  Got to spend some decent amount of time with them one Friday evening.

There was no expectation of things getting all naked, that was asked of me.  I was cool with that.  So we talked, tried to find something on Netflix to play in the background, we laid in each other’s arms, it was wonderful.  Of course, things got intimate, pretty intensely but I stuck to my word and kept things from going to ‘that place’.  Then I guess it was too much for them and they said: “Could you……could you just take off your pants?”

I mean….wow.  I knew this was going to stay oral but damn….I love surprises like that!  So, off they went and all was good 🙂

Everything was going fine again till about a week later.  Then a second ‘incident’ happened.  They had this habit of latching onto some idea, giving it a misguided meaning and refused to acknowledge anything else.  I mean, I’ve seen some stubborn things, and some misguided meanings attached to words and actions but this…..this took the cake.

After a day or so of back and forth messages with absolutely zero ground being made for anyone, I ended it.  I refuse to let someone continually insult my integrity and intentions and then also refuse to accept who I am.

Sure, having someone around to be comfortable with, very, very comfortable with, was nice…..but the price had gotten untenable.

So, it was a good experience overall.  I learned about how I interact with people and sadly, learned how I have to ‘hide’ who I am because I’ve yet to find someone who can handle my world view of things.

This is kinda what bothers me the most.  With the other person, that wasn’t a big issue.  They certainly didn’t have my beliefs at all, but it was strangely ok.  I mean, we just kinda worked.  Had our differences, had our discussions, I could even see them starting to see things the way I did but then it just crashed.

A friend of mine told me “You shine a light into people’s dark places and most aren’t ready to handle that.”  Sigh.  I can’t argue with that.

I don’t want to hide from the world.  I just want to be who I am all the time.  So please, Universe, let me find someone who can handle that.  Someone who is willing to grow and learn.  Someone who is willing to try and understand who I am while I do the same for them.

Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

Suddenly…..stress!

I don’t get how this happens.  I was on a long public transportation ride back to my city, petty relaxing, a few annoyances with my electronics mis-behaving but otherwise a normal thing.  Some work has piled up and suddenly I need a bunch of stuff done but can’t possibly get them all done as I am only one person.  I get home but just prior, had this growing feeling of….’don’t want to be here’ type of deal.  I don’t get why I suddenly felt annoyed.  Sure, I needed some food and when I’m really hungry, I get irritable but this did not feel like that.  I ate, and suddenly my significant other had a ton of things that just needed to be droned on about.  Way more details that were completely irrelevant and I didn’t need to hear.  Just get to the point so I can get on with my work will you?!

I was away for a day, sure it was for work and sure it was pretty demanding but it wasn’t something that should have set off this feeling of frustration.  I know we are moving and it’s not a small move either. Yet could it really be that insidious as to start causing stress at such a subtle level?  I’m usually quite self-aware of the origins of my feelings/thoughts but sometimes….I just get blind-sided.  I tend to want to think that it’s related to one of my close friends that I have an ‘etheric’ type of bond with.  That would be a more ‘rational’ explanation in that the feelings are coming from a close friend rather than truly of my own origin.  It’s not really that unheard of in society but the more ‘scientific’ types put such things down despite there being more than just a random case of this type of thing.

So what do I do?  Try to contain my words, not terribly successfully, and write out a blog post.

This next geographical move of mine is a big one.  Necessary as a step towards an even bigger move, which I KNOW there will be stress involved, but still necessary.

Let’s see if I can work off this frustration in some work now shall we?

How the mind works

Do you listen to the voice in your head? Maybe you shouldn’t. The problem is that most people only listen to the voice in their head not realizing what that voice is designed to do. It is designed for obe thing and one thing only, to keep you safe. The problem is how the mind defines the concept of safe.

Sure it is really important to be safe but the mind is acting like an over protective mother, always worried about what’s going to happen. It is always worry about what you’re going to do.

Want an example? Walk down the street, see some random stranger in say hi. I’m willing to bet that the vast majority of you immediately balked at doing this. That resistance, that little voice that said “but hi don’t know them.”, “they could hurt me”….that’s the voice that keeps you from ever getting on in your life. That’s the voice that keeps you safe.

Safe does NOT let you grow. As a person, as a soul, you ONLY ever grow at the edge of your comfort zone. No one had ever become a better person by watch TV, or by reading a book. They did it by getting out of their comfort zone and DID something. Maybe they gathered up the courage to ask that boy out for a date. Maybe they finally decided to ask their boss for a raise. Our, like a few I have met here, they finally got the courage to take steps to get out of a relationship that no longer served their higher good.

Hers another little trick to help. Your feelings are mainly an indication of your thoughts. When you are afraid, you notice that all your thoughts are of fear. Your emotions don’t dictate your feelings, it’s the other way around. Since we humans can’t possibly monitor the thousands of thoughts in our heads, we have our emotions that act like a gauge to give us an idea of what we are thinking in our minds.

I’m going to give you the key to your life right now.

“Change your thoughts and your life will change.”

I have recently set my mind on a course. All my thoughts are in that direction. Does that mean i don’t have doubts and fear? Absolutely not. I have then all the time. I just choose to ignore them and follow my soul, regardless of what my mind tells me.

This is why I will never be able to explain my actions to nearly everyone I know. Because they are not enlightened enough to understand. They still think that their mind is the only thing that matters. To them I will say “This is my choice. Accept it.”

So, what is your mind telling you right now? Is it telling you that you can’t move on? That it’s too hard? That too many people will get hurt? Or is that just all bullshit?