Anger….

So, the Disturbance in the Force wasn’t enough, today it was anger that went beyond normal.

Sure, I was thinking of stuff that annoyed me, made me feel quite bitter and somewhat angry but this time…..this time it was deeper, lasted longer and really disrupted my day.

I swear I’m picking up on someone and they are just hiding it really well, or simply not letting anyone know.

Maybe there has been a lot of anger brewing for awhile?  I mean, I got some rather irritating news and was able to discuss some of it with a friend, mildly venting a bit, and thought that was that.

My FWB says I over-analyze things too much.  True, I do that but I also know that if I can’t source out the problem after awhile, I let it be and usually the answer comes to me. They didn’t quite believe me till I said: “I mostly not try to think when you are around…..well, I try not to think of your <details redacted> and just experience it.”.  I think they bought that and I may have even gained a few added brownie points 😉

I also realized how lonely I still am.  Both days I really just wanted to be around someone who could hug me.  I am trying to keep my perspective that my FWB is really just that….a FWB.  So I’m mostly where I was before….but just with the occasional round of sex thrown in.  So….that’s a step up from the entire previous year.

I also got an invite to the UK to visit another ‘person of interest’ when I was there the last time.  Well….technically it was ‘two times’ ago as the last time I was there, said person actually stood me up a couple of times.  Thought that was more than just a little rude.  So I never bothered contacting them again.  Fast forward a few years and that emotional hurt has gone.  Now we do talk, occasionally, and I got invited to visit them.  I just need to find the best way to be able to do that.  The UK isn’t exactly cheap when you factor in exchange rates and all.

Given that I’m also talking to another ‘favourite’ of mine as well, that I am still attracted too but the conversations are…..awkward.  Only in the sense that I send a message and it doesn’t get answered in days…..sometimes not at all.  So I don’t quite understand that.

Seriously though….why can I not find a decent person, who can hold a decent conversation, that isn’t either ‘in another country’ or ‘have severe debilitating self-esteem issues’ or ‘taken’, or any combination thereof.

While I certainly don’t consider myself to be perfect, clearly I make enough mistakes, but shit, it seems that the only people who are sorta/completely interested in me have some pretty severe limitations that are damn near impossible to get around.

I’m finally starting to get the hang of this thing called life….

Ever since I visiting another place, I made a connection with someone and it continues to blow my mind.

Let’s start at the beginning.

First I was at a pub, at the bar ordering some food.  Then I see this head that barely made it over the top of the bar.  I thought “Oh that’s interesting, I’d like to get to know them better!”.  Well,  god-damn if said person sat at the table of friends I was with!!!  Then we just hit it off.  The rest of my time there was a lot of fun. Hung out a lot with this person but because I was still involved with my ex at the time, I kept things without crossing any lines.  Was I unhappy about my relationship at the time, sure.  Would I be the kind of person who sneaks behind another’s back?  No.  That doesn’t mean I can’t flirt and enjoy another person’s company all the same.

So the following year, I went back to the same place and spent an even longer time.  Between my absence, I kept in touch with some of the people there and that interesting person was one of them.  When I mentioned my return, I was offered a room in their place to rent while I was staying.  Sounded pretty awesome to me.

Now, I knew they had been seeing someone else, so I had no real illusions that I was planning some ulterior motive.  Nope, it was just awesome to see them again, have the odd adventure when they weren’t out with their significant other(which was rare actually).  Help them through some rough spots when they got into an argument but I could already tell that there was trouble brewing.  It wasn’t going to last for them.  Not that I could do much as I had my own relationship issues to deal with but as a friend, I did the best I could to help them get through it.

Time passed.  We kept in touch.  Had a very rough night once and help them through that bit of ugliness.  Then, a few months ago, I made my own choice to move forward in life.  that’s still an ongoing thing and I’m doing pretty good there but let’s get to the meat of this post, shall we?

I’ve read tons and tons on how life supposedly works.  Seen all the faddish movies that talk about all the ‘bells and whistles’ you can do to make your life better and such.  Out of everything I ever saw, read or heard, one thing just worked for me.

I was listening to a playlist for motivation, it included a bunch of different quotes and interview clips from various thought leaders on the subject.  One guy said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When you are going to have that breakthrough, it isn’t something that takes a long time.  It happens at the moment when you make the decision to do something and commit to it.”

Well, going back to my situation and my ideas about this friend.  I decided that I was going to work on getting back to where they are and then work on getting more serious with them.

Over the next week or two, the following things happened: Got interviewed by a company(made it to the second round but ultimately didn’t get the job), got told that I could apply to another company that was really damn close to where the other person I’m interested is, and said person also needed a person to talk to because of their relationship was going from bad to worse(as I initially knew it would).

From what I can tell, it was all from my decision to make going to the other place to essentially be with the other person, was what started this chain of events.  It hasn’t stopped either.  My friend has been going through a very rough time, knows that their relationship will never, ever be what she hoped it to be due to some pretty severe mental issues of their significant other.  So now they are trying to come to terms that they have to make the decision to leave and get untangled from their home life.  Luckily there is no marriage or kids to complicate matters but still, living together and making that leap to leave is never easy for people.  I should know.  Took me 10 years to realize that my own relationship was never going to be fully fulfilling, if not outright detrimental to my personal growth.  I passed this tidbit of wisdom on to this person so that they won’t repeat my lack of action for so long.

So here I am, trying my best to keep things going so that when the opportunity comes, and it will come, I’ll jump right on it and ride it out.

When I take that observer perspective, I can see that it was like placing a piece of the puzzle and getting a glimpse of how the game is played!

Of course, my focus has been towards this goal and remains so.  I have never met someone that I know so well but have only known them for a very short time.  I simply cannot ignore that and because of the distance, it seems wasteful not to be near said person.  Why else have such a bond but never truly be able to act upon it because the distance is so great?  That is the meaning I am giving to this and it seems to be working for me.

And the hits keep right on coming

I’m not even sure where to begin.  This feeling I have right now is some sort of mixture between excitement/fear/power…..I am trying very hard to make the best decisions possible in my next few weeks.

Let’s finish off the previous situation.

I broached the subject of relationship possibility and it was politely turned down. I didn’t manage that conversation well enough to explain that, while it would great to consider such a thing, ultimately I am only looking for confirmation that I have what it takes to find another, more compatible soul for me. I do believe the reaction spoke well of this and I was good with this. I still would like to explain my life story but not sure if this.

“A Challenger enters the arena.”

Then suddenly another kind soul wanders in. The light joking went better than expected and returned with more enthusiasm than I would have thought. Then I get invited to a movie,  with coffee and desert after, and the flirting was pretty strong. I had to actively scale back mine for fear of sounding desperate.

Well, that went stupidly good. I would even say I felt a bit of fear that this type of thing happened but at the same tine, I was elated. Such good fortune made me feel a bit humble too.

You know, if that was all that happened to me, I would look at it as a great event. Yet as the late night infomercials say “but wait! There’s more!”

You remember that initial reason I decided to take a break? The whole initial reason for me to come to the country I’m visiting? Guess who I’m having coffee with in a few days? That’s right. The one person that helped me open a floodgate to my self expression. The one that I thought would be insanely perfect for me.

Now, I have no grand illusions that there is even the slightest chance things wil start again. In fact, I’m quite reserved to the fsct that it will be one of those unfinished businesses which will have to be dealt with in my next life, unless I miraculously attain Buddhahood in this one.  No, I believe this meeting, while slightly a bit awkward, will simply be an acknowledgment of our recent past event, and an understanding that we will have to deal with it once again.

Still, while conversing with this person, my heart was racing pretty good. When I realized things aren’t utterly awkward,  I was my usual witty self.  Meeting this person in real life will be significant for me. Of course I’ll be nervous as hell but it will be necessary to go through.

What will be truly awkward is when the first two meet each other and how I will handle things. The truth about my past can’t be left unsaid any longer it seems. This is going to be a wild weekend.

****

Not sure why this post was stuck in draft-limbo but it’s a week old now.  Might as well add updates here.

Let’s work backwards from the last post, which related to an ‘old’ issue I’ve been working with for almost a year.

Coffee did not happen with the person I was entangled with for a good chunk of time.  I was rather disappointed but such is life.  It’s funny when you can recognize patterns in your life.  Well, it wasn’t how I was hoping to complete the last paragraph in that book but maybe it’ll make for a more interesting read then.  Volume two in that series will be interesting for sure.  Hmm, I wonder if this blog will be around and if I’ll stumble upon it.  Wouldn’t that be a laugh.  Oh wait, isn’t that part of the plot line in Cloud Atlas?  Never mind, it would be interesting any ways.  Well, I wished them good luck with the path they chose for the rest of their life and I’ll move on with mine.  Which brings me a little closer to my immediate events.

Now that my time away is almost over, I have started to feel the twinges of sadness.  I have met some great friends and had some awesome laughs.  I have surprised a lot of people when they learned about my own past and even how old I am.  I made a very close friend that is nearly half my age.  The first time I ever met someone that young and made a real connection.  I will miss them the most but we shall be keeping in contact.  This trip has been full of surprises and I wonder what that friend’s involvement was in a previous life?  There is no way that the laughs and crazy humour could be just a random thing shared.  I am ever so grateful for meeting so many incredible friends here.

As for that ‘challenger’, well it was remote at best for being anything other than a good friend.  I will see about just hanging out one last time with yet another cool person here.

I am quite sad for having to leave here.  I’ve grown a bit attached, even considering trying to find a way back maybe.  Who knows, still a few decisions to make yet before that even becomes remotely possible.

As for my significant other and our status.  I don’t really know.  I knew that I needed a break and now that it’s been a good few months, I’m much more clear headed.  There are still issues to work out that linger.  Normally I’d be looking for a bit more hard for indications on the relationship status but it seems that choice is all up to me.

I learned that I could go any where, make friends, close ones too.  Even find connections in the strangest of locations.  So I have no fear of being alone.  There is only one thing that I am overly-conscious of and I know there will be a pretty big impact for my action if I chose to end the relationship.  You know, its a scary thing to know exactly what would happen, or at least how things would go, if you made a certain choice at a certain time.  Having read quite a bit on Karma lately, I am not really keen on accumulating any demerits if I don’t have to.  So I need to think more on this and give it some time.

I’ll call this break a major success.  Now, let’s finish it off on a positive note, at least as much as I can, and get ready to go home.  Got a one more party my friends are having for me then a few days later, back home.  You know, it’s almost like I miss this place and I’ve not left yet.