I’d like to say this was my ego but…

Life has a very interesting way of guiding me at times.  Remember that brief but fiery trip I had with someone I thought was going to work out longer but then crashed?

Well, after one week the other person blinked.  I got a text message from them.  I had already decided that it was fine to move on.  Sure, I thought about them on a fairly regular basis, all the potential, and connection.  I summed that up to my process of dealing with something very intense and gradually flushing through my system  My ego really wanted that person to come begging back but I knew that was a fantasy.

I figured that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that I am exactly who I say I am, that I have done nothing malicious or intentionally tried to hurt anyone.  As I had initially set my intentions at the beginning of our connections that we both understood it wouldn’t go anywhere serious in any kind of immediate time frame.  I was ok with that.  I worked with that intention.  Oh sure my dreaming and imagination would occasionally poke its head into the future but I never stayed there and never gave it anything more than a ‘that would be nice’ type of thought.

So the texting turned into what I was trying so hard to do before….have a rational discussion.  When I get angry, I know I will NOT say nice things.  In fact, my mind goes right for the jugular and I aim dead on said person’s weakest spot.  Yeah, you know that would never turn out well except for the most divinely inspired and immediate realization that I was right about that.  Given that such a thing is not likely to happen to many people at all because as humans, we generally will react in a defensive nature and do everything we can to protect that fragile thing of an ego.  So I did the only thing I could do, stop talking and take a break.

Well, I’m not an asshole and held no malice toward the other person.  I knew that there were some serious medical concerns and wished them the best with whatever happens.  Turned out that it was only a few steps away from being something really nasty and can be worked out.  I was glad for that.

The conversation started to build and I really didn’t want to leave a relationship with such a negative amount of karma that I’d have to deal with again the next time around.  We know have an understanding that we are both different, will react differently and feel things differently.  I was really happy that we were talking again.  I said before that as long as we could keep on communicating, we could evolve into a decent relationship.  Seems that they realized I had the right idea on how to handle things, pushed aside their misplaced hurt feelings and made the effort.  That was impressive.  I was honoured to have such a person in my life.

So it’s been 4 days since we’ve started talking, texting/sexting and it’s going well again.  In fact, there was yet another severe breakthrough on their part last night.

They had this one, severely debilitating self-esteem issue about their body.  I mean, to the point that no one, except a doctor, ever saw this issue.  Not their family, not their friends, no one.  Even the rather private photos were taken in such a way that it would never be shown.  We had talked about it, and I understood the root of it but until they were ready to let that go, I could only support them in moving forward.  Well, last night I got a picture of the issue.  It was such an emotionally charged exchange and I had never been so impressed and floored by such a leap of faith that I was stunned.  I only gave praise for who they were and how I felt and that what I felt had not changed because of what I was shown.  In fact, and in reality, I was MORE attracted to them.

That was when I got a tear-soaked video saying thank you for my words.  To me, they were the hero and I should be the only person thanking them.  They made a very massive step from freeing themselves from a self-imposed, negative thought pattern.  That is a rare thing in this world and I am honoured to have witnessed it.

We will be meeting shortly.  I expect some more tears, on both sides actually.  From their begging of acceptance of their issue, and my witness to me losing a regular contract job(that sucks), it’ll be a very raw night.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.



What amazes me is how people have such a short view on life.  They actually believe that if they do something now they could just walk away with zero repercussions.  I’ve seen it time and time again.  There are always repercussions. Always.  Most of the time they do happen in your lifetime but the bigger ones, the ones with a more significant connection to your soul, will come back again and again, through various lifetimes until the issue is resolved.

You think people choose their situations?  Well yes, I’ve covered this before.  Yet those who are still asleep in this waking world will say “You wear glasses because you didn’t eat your veggies!” or “You sat to close to the TV when you were young.” or any other non-sense.  Truth is, those are only symptoms of a much deeper problem.  You are in the body you have because there is a lesson to learn. You experience pain and loss because there is a lesson to learn.

There are those who actually believe they don’t deserve better for themselves and yet it will be thrown right into their faces saying “Yes you do.”  Keep in mind that there are two sides there.  The person who refuses to rid themselves of some sort of misguided guilt and the person who strives to show that person their true value in life.  Both have lessons to learn.

The goal in life is to be aware of these lessons and act upon them that is truly in your best interest.  When you run away from the lesson, it will come back, stronger each time.  It really is inevitable that you will learn the lesson, so why not get it over with and move forward in your spiritual/personal development now?!  Prolonging your pain is hardly a smart thing to do, nor is it good for you and everyone around you.

I know my own issues are leaking into my daily life.  My friends see it all the time.  I can’t hide it any more.  Changes will be made.  Very, very soon. I am just waiting to see what it is I need to learn so I can unpause my life and get on with it!

Being alone

I believe that our ultimate destination is to not be alone. So essentially we are built to be with others. Keep in mind that there are levels that I always talk on. The ‘ultimate’ wording means spiritually in this sense. I believe in the end, and as cheesy as it may sound, we are all one. The path to get to that place is different for all of us.

Being alone sucks for the vast majority. That doesn’t mean there are those that want/need that experience. Indeed, there are times when everyone says “I need to be alone now”.  Some want that alone experience for much longer although typically that stems from a bad experience and not conducive to their overall spiritual growth. Then there are those who generally have chosen a fairly solitary life and are quite content with it. I believe those ones are few and far between, despite the number of people who claim this status.

For the rest of us, we struggle for acceptance. We struggle to be loved and we struggle to just fit in. Again, each of those scenarios have their own levels. I don’t bother to try an ‘fit in’. I’m not interested in going out, drinking every weekend just to get drunk. To me, that’s not ‘fitting in’. This also means I get excluded, by default of my nature, from many group events because I am labeled as ‘not fitting in’.

When someone suddenly accepts you for who you are, after years of just the opposite from your friends/family/partner, you get kinda surprised. And oddly, a bit surprised as how you are surprised(meta-learning). That’s when you realize things never need to be as bad as they are. There are those who will accept you as you are, with no reservations. You are not alone. You just need to find those who accept you and stick with them.

Fuck everyone else.