Struggling

It’s very hard to let go of anger.  I’m having such a hard time trying to stop being so annoyed with that person who blew me off.  I don’t get it. How can people be so blind to their actions?  How can they think that whatever they do is perfectly fine.

I’m trying so hard to improve myself. Trying to find a place that I feel emotuonally comfortable in for awhile.  I told a friend that I was surprised to see so many people with utter lack of integrity. I wondered what had happened to people or have I really matured so far that I’m just seeing how common it really is?

Not sure where to go from here.

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Anger….

So, the Disturbance in the Force wasn’t enough, today it was anger that went beyond normal.

Sure, I was thinking of stuff that annoyed me, made me feel quite bitter and somewhat angry but this time…..this time it was deeper, lasted longer and really disrupted my day.

I swear I’m picking up on someone and they are just hiding it really well, or simply not letting anyone know.

Maybe there has been a lot of anger brewing for awhile?  I mean, I got some rather irritating news and was able to discuss some of it with a friend, mildly venting a bit, and thought that was that.

My FWB says I over-analyze things too much.  True, I do that but I also know that if I can’t source out the problem after awhile, I let it be and usually the answer comes to me. They didn’t quite believe me till I said: “I mostly not try to think when you are around…..well, I try not to think of your <details redacted> and just experience it.”.  I think they bought that and I may have even gained a few added brownie points 😉

I also realized how lonely I still am.  Both days I really just wanted to be around someone who could hug me.  I am trying to keep my perspective that my FWB is really just that….a FWB.  So I’m mostly where I was before….but just with the occasional round of sex thrown in.  So….that’s a step up from the entire previous year.

I also got an invite to the UK to visit another ‘person of interest’ when I was there the last time.  Well….technically it was ‘two times’ ago as the last time I was there, said person actually stood me up a couple of times.  Thought that was more than just a little rude.  So I never bothered contacting them again.  Fast forward a few years and that emotional hurt has gone.  Now we do talk, occasionally, and I got invited to visit them.  I just need to find the best way to be able to do that.  The UK isn’t exactly cheap when you factor in exchange rates and all.

Given that I’m also talking to another ‘favourite’ of mine as well, that I am still attracted too but the conversations are…..awkward.  Only in the sense that I send a message and it doesn’t get answered in days…..sometimes not at all.  So I don’t quite understand that.

Seriously though….why can I not find a decent person, who can hold a decent conversation, that isn’t either ‘in another country’ or ‘have severe debilitating self-esteem issues’ or ‘taken’, or any combination thereof.

While I certainly don’t consider myself to be perfect, clearly I make enough mistakes, but shit, it seems that the only people who are sorta/completely interested in me have some pretty severe limitations that are damn near impossible to get around.

Harsh lessons

I learned a rather valuable lesson yesterday through finally seeing a major mistake I’ve made with relationships in the past . My FWB got really upset when I wanted to be exclusive.  They basically said that’s not what they need at this point in their life and it would only add stress where their limit has already been hit.  Of course there was a lot more words and tears to this, just giving you the short version.

My learning?  I finally, finally realized where I’ve gone wrong in the past with relationships that didn’t work out at all. I was such an idiot. See, I thought I was helping by dedicating myself to the other person.  In truth, it was a selfish act and I was not paying attention to what the other person was asking for.  They wanted something very specific from me and I was taking that as wanting something more.  Man did I ever feel like crap when that realization hit me last night.  Despite all my grand learning and experiences, I can still make some big mistakes.  At least now I know and that my FWB was able to express to me what I was not doing what they needed.

Hurray for progress….