Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

I’m finally starting to get the hang of this thing called life….

Ever since I visiting another place, I made a connection with someone and it continues to blow my mind.

Let’s start at the beginning.

First I was at a pub, at the bar ordering some food.  Then I see this head that barely made it over the top of the bar.  I thought “Oh that’s interesting, I’d like to get to know them better!”.  Well,  god-damn if said person sat at the table of friends I was with!!!  Then we just hit it off.  The rest of my time there was a lot of fun. Hung out a lot with this person but because I was still involved with my ex at the time, I kept things without crossing any lines.  Was I unhappy about my relationship at the time, sure.  Would I be the kind of person who sneaks behind another’s back?  No.  That doesn’t mean I can’t flirt and enjoy another person’s company all the same.

So the following year, I went back to the same place and spent an even longer time.  Between my absence, I kept in touch with some of the people there and that interesting person was one of them.  When I mentioned my return, I was offered a room in their place to rent while I was staying.  Sounded pretty awesome to me.

Now, I knew they had been seeing someone else, so I had no real illusions that I was planning some ulterior motive.  Nope, it was just awesome to see them again, have the odd adventure when they weren’t out with their significant other(which was rare actually).  Help them through some rough spots when they got into an argument but I could already tell that there was trouble brewing.  It wasn’t going to last for them.  Not that I could do much as I had my own relationship issues to deal with but as a friend, I did the best I could to help them get through it.

Time passed.  We kept in touch.  Had a very rough night once and help them through that bit of ugliness.  Then, a few months ago, I made my own choice to move forward in life.  that’s still an ongoing thing and I’m doing pretty good there but let’s get to the meat of this post, shall we?

I’ve read tons and tons on how life supposedly works.  Seen all the faddish movies that talk about all the ‘bells and whistles’ you can do to make your life better and such.  Out of everything I ever saw, read or heard, one thing just worked for me.

I was listening to a playlist for motivation, it included a bunch of different quotes and interview clips from various thought leaders on the subject.  One guy said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When you are going to have that breakthrough, it isn’t something that takes a long time.  It happens at the moment when you make the decision to do something and commit to it.”

Well, going back to my situation and my ideas about this friend.  I decided that I was going to work on getting back to where they are and then work on getting more serious with them.

Over the next week or two, the following things happened: Got interviewed by a company(made it to the second round but ultimately didn’t get the job), got told that I could apply to another company that was really damn close to where the other person I’m interested is, and said person also needed a person to talk to because of their relationship was going from bad to worse(as I initially knew it would).

From what I can tell, it was all from my decision to make going to the other place to essentially be with the other person, was what started this chain of events.  It hasn’t stopped either.  My friend has been going through a very rough time, knows that their relationship will never, ever be what she hoped it to be due to some pretty severe mental issues of their significant other.  So now they are trying to come to terms that they have to make the decision to leave and get untangled from their home life.  Luckily there is no marriage or kids to complicate matters but still, living together and making that leap to leave is never easy for people.  I should know.  Took me 10 years to realize that my own relationship was never going to be fully fulfilling, if not outright detrimental to my personal growth.  I passed this tidbit of wisdom on to this person so that they won’t repeat my lack of action for so long.

So here I am, trying my best to keep things going so that when the opportunity comes, and it will come, I’ll jump right on it and ride it out.

When I take that observer perspective, I can see that it was like placing a piece of the puzzle and getting a glimpse of how the game is played!

Of course, my focus has been towards this goal and remains so.  I have never met someone that I know so well but have only known them for a very short time.  I simply cannot ignore that and because of the distance, it seems wasteful not to be near said person.  Why else have such a bond but never truly be able to act upon it because the distance is so great?  That is the meaning I am giving to this and it seems to be working for me.

I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

A step has been taken

Finally, I got up the courage and tell my significant other that it’s just not working anymore.  I worked really hard at keeping it as enlightened as possible and focus on the positive aspects of the decision.  that, I believe, it what kept the conversation in a rational and not overly-emotional shout-fest.

As expected, occasionally I would get some comments that were far from polite.  I am doing my best to keep it civil till I can move out.  There is no hate, there are no ‘unforgivable’ actions.  This is merely a choice and one which I believe is in my own best interest.

It is not going to be fun over the next couple of weeks, while I try to sort out where it is that I’m actually going to live, and it scares the hell out of but I have to have faith in my choices and walk bravely on.

I will so need a lot of emotional support in the coming months over this.

Suicidal Thoughts

Nothing scares more than suicidal thoughts.  Oh not mine, thoughts of some one close to me.  When I asked a friend of mine how was their day and I get a stream of ugly words and a picture of pills in a pile they made a shockwave of fear ripped through me.

Right after that I immediately went into fight mode.  All thoughts and options opened up and my next actions were planned out. My friend stopped responding to my texts. Refused to answer any IM calls.  Since they only used a phone, it could be they got a call or chatting with some one else as well.

I texted that if I didn’t get a response with 5 minutes, I would make serious calls. Meaning emergency numbers.

5 minutes went by.  Fine. Call my local emergency number and gave them the deal. As I know name, number and address of my friend, connecting through official channels can be done when the person isn’t local.

As I was giving the final details, my friend responded. They would accept a voice call. It was and awkward moment when I had both on the phone at once(one on Skype, the other on my mobile).  I told my emergency contact that I believe we can wait before going any further.   The emergency person was ok with this.

I then proceeded to talk with my friend for the next 2.5hrs. Even got a laugh out of them.  Had them promise me they were ok as. I had something else to do and I felt confident enough that the immediate danger had passed.

I’m sure there is still work to be done with my friend but I do hope they know just how much I’m here for them.

 

One step forward

I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently.  Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years.  Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more.  Trying to see what it’s really about.  I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself.  I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip.  You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.

No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me.  Words that would ring true.  I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.).  I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.

To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being.  That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be.  That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post.  That am I am very aware of.  Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful.  While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth.  Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.

One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up.  The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country.  The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there.  When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.

I’m not going to press the issue.  It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on.  We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach.  I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing.  I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’.  Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way.  Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself.  Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.

And the hits keep right on coming

I’m not even sure where to begin.  This feeling I have right now is some sort of mixture between excitement/fear/power…..I am trying very hard to make the best decisions possible in my next few weeks.

Let’s finish off the previous situation.

I broached the subject of relationship possibility and it was politely turned down. I didn’t manage that conversation well enough to explain that, while it would great to consider such a thing, ultimately I am only looking for confirmation that I have what it takes to find another, more compatible soul for me. I do believe the reaction spoke well of this and I was good with this. I still would like to explain my life story but not sure if this.

“A Challenger enters the arena.”

Then suddenly another kind soul wanders in. The light joking went better than expected and returned with more enthusiasm than I would have thought. Then I get invited to a movie,  with coffee and desert after, and the flirting was pretty strong. I had to actively scale back mine for fear of sounding desperate.

Well, that went stupidly good. I would even say I felt a bit of fear that this type of thing happened but at the same tine, I was elated. Such good fortune made me feel a bit humble too.

You know, if that was all that happened to me, I would look at it as a great event. Yet as the late night infomercials say “but wait! There’s more!”

You remember that initial reason I decided to take a break? The whole initial reason for me to come to the country I’m visiting? Guess who I’m having coffee with in a few days? That’s right. The one person that helped me open a floodgate to my self expression. The one that I thought would be insanely perfect for me.

Now, I have no grand illusions that there is even the slightest chance things wil start again. In fact, I’m quite reserved to the fsct that it will be one of those unfinished businesses which will have to be dealt with in my next life, unless I miraculously attain Buddhahood in this one.  No, I believe this meeting, while slightly a bit awkward, will simply be an acknowledgment of our recent past event, and an understanding that we will have to deal with it once again.

Still, while conversing with this person, my heart was racing pretty good. When I realized things aren’t utterly awkward,  I was my usual witty self.  Meeting this person in real life will be significant for me. Of course I’ll be nervous as hell but it will be necessary to go through.

What will be truly awkward is when the first two meet each other and how I will handle things. The truth about my past can’t be left unsaid any longer it seems. This is going to be a wild weekend.

****

Not sure why this post was stuck in draft-limbo but it’s a week old now.  Might as well add updates here.

Let’s work backwards from the last post, which related to an ‘old’ issue I’ve been working with for almost a year.

Coffee did not happen with the person I was entangled with for a good chunk of time.  I was rather disappointed but such is life.  It’s funny when you can recognize patterns in your life.  Well, it wasn’t how I was hoping to complete the last paragraph in that book but maybe it’ll make for a more interesting read then.  Volume two in that series will be interesting for sure.  Hmm, I wonder if this blog will be around and if I’ll stumble upon it.  Wouldn’t that be a laugh.  Oh wait, isn’t that part of the plot line in Cloud Atlas?  Never mind, it would be interesting any ways.  Well, I wished them good luck with the path they chose for the rest of their life and I’ll move on with mine.  Which brings me a little closer to my immediate events.

Now that my time away is almost over, I have started to feel the twinges of sadness.  I have met some great friends and had some awesome laughs.  I have surprised a lot of people when they learned about my own past and even how old I am.  I made a very close friend that is nearly half my age.  The first time I ever met someone that young and made a real connection.  I will miss them the most but we shall be keeping in contact.  This trip has been full of surprises and I wonder what that friend’s involvement was in a previous life?  There is no way that the laughs and crazy humour could be just a random thing shared.  I am ever so grateful for meeting so many incredible friends here.

As for that ‘challenger’, well it was remote at best for being anything other than a good friend.  I will see about just hanging out one last time with yet another cool person here.

I am quite sad for having to leave here.  I’ve grown a bit attached, even considering trying to find a way back maybe.  Who knows, still a few decisions to make yet before that even becomes remotely possible.

As for my significant other and our status.  I don’t really know.  I knew that I needed a break and now that it’s been a good few months, I’m much more clear headed.  There are still issues to work out that linger.  Normally I’d be looking for a bit more hard for indications on the relationship status but it seems that choice is all up to me.

I learned that I could go any where, make friends, close ones too.  Even find connections in the strangest of locations.  So I have no fear of being alone.  There is only one thing that I am overly-conscious of and I know there will be a pretty big impact for my action if I chose to end the relationship.  You know, its a scary thing to know exactly what would happen, or at least how things would go, if you made a certain choice at a certain time.  Having read quite a bit on Karma lately, I am not really keen on accumulating any demerits if I don’t have to.  So I need to think more on this and give it some time.

I’ll call this break a major success.  Now, let’s finish it off on a positive note, at least as much as I can, and get ready to go home.  Got a one more party my friends are having for me then a few days later, back home.  You know, it’s almost like I miss this place and I’ve not left yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Scares Me

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

The more I learn about myself, the more the quote is true. I am at a point that goes well beyond coincidence. I mean, I chose this break initially to meet someone that I thought would be the next relationship. Or at least something that I could understand about myself. That didn’t work out. Oh I could speculate the reason why, probably even get real damn close with my understanding but ultimately it wouldn’t change the fact that is just not going to happen. . At least in this life. 😉

So, fine. I accepted that and tried to make a change in where I was living. Mostly because I’m too far from the big city. I tried real hard and yet, that didn’t work. Fine, I’ll deal with the “less than optimal” conditions of my rental place. Then WHAM ! Someone else pops up. Seriously. I’m trying not to get lost in this as it is extremely early but…. damn, it’s down right freaky how this feels.

On one side, this person and I have so much in common it’s beyond belief yet there is enough difference to have or own spaces. I have also learned that there is yet another type of visual appeal that I’m drawn to. Didn’t see that coming.

Now, one might think it could be all in my head. That’s always a possibility but when I see real sadness in their eyes whenever I mention that in leaving here in a few weeks, I know I’m not being completely biased. Add the out right “Don’t go.” comments and is nearly heart-breaking to hear.

So what had this got to do with fear? Easy, what choice so I make? Do I stay true to my initial word and “try to work it out” or do I take the known karmic debt for making someone really sad in order for me to be happier in my life? I may preach that we are each responsible for our actions and not the actions/feelings of others but there is a connection, if indirect.

How much of my own power should I choose to exercise? I have the freedom to make any choice I wish. That is our ultimate power. There is nothing that could take that away. Oh you may believe you can’t choose but you would be wrong. I’m not saying there aren’t consequences to any given choice, but there is always choice.

I’m down right frightened of a choice I might make. It’s that real uncertainty, despite every opportunity laid down in front of me. The ones that I have been begging for, wishing for, praying for and now they are seemingly here and it scares the shit out of me.

Well, I’m going to see where this leads and look it straight in the eye. Then I’ll know who I truly am. Writing words is fine but it’s only under the real test does you true self show.

What I am capable of

One of the reasons for this break is to find out about me.  To answer the question ‘who am I?’ really.  I have discovered quite a bit already.  I have met quite a few people and made a few connections that look promising.  As my 3rd week here comes to a close, I am thoroughly enjoying myself here.  There are a few things I would like to change, just to optimize some transportation conveniences really but outside of that, things are good.

Tonight will see another gathering of people that I shall interact with and see how many other connections I can make and where they will lead me.

I do believe I am firming up the vision of my future and what kind of environment that I will have surrounding me.  It’ll be the envy of many and I understand why.  Most people simply do not have a clear vision of where they are going.  Most of that is because they are too distracted by the world around them.  They choose to react instead of act.  They believe that the world happens to them when in reality….they are right.  There is a saying that is more true than most people really know.

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right.”

This is one of the great secrets of the universe.  It’s a literal mechanic that you can work with.  Of course there is a lot of emotions and thoughts to clear out of the way and that’s where everyone gets tripped up.  Even I struggle most of the time but I’m getting better at it 🙂

The problem lies in believability.  Can your mind accept what you are told?  Let’s say there is a way to easily get 100 miles per gallon out of any truck you want.  Most people go ‘that’s not possible!’ and therein lies the problem.  They simply don’t believe it.  Believing in something does not make it true(for the world) but it does make it true(for you).  Yet if someone said “Hey, use this device and you’ll get 10% better mileage!” many people would jump at such a chance.  Why?  Because it is within the real of ‘that seems reasonable’ in their minds despite the fact that such 100mpg devices do exist.

I think optimists have a better chance at finding peace because they look on the positive side and flirt on the edges of dreaming.  It is dreams that ideas are born and everything we have right now was once just someone’s dream.

I keep dreaming of where I will go in life.  This is reflected in my real-world existence and many think it’s just luck.  If you were to give luck the meaning of ‘opportunity’, then yes, there has been a lot of luck in my life.  I have done many things to create such opportunities to manifest.  if I sat at home all day, watching the latest episode of any given ‘reality'(pffft) tv show, then what opportunities am I creating?  Nothing.  I am the opportunity that the creators of the show set out to find.  If I am out at a networking event with high-profile investors, do you think I might have a better chance of doing better in my life?  Yet some want to use some ambiguous term of ‘luck’.

I create my own luck and by shedding any past ideas, letting go of anything that restricts me, I have found out just how much ‘luck’ I can create for myself.  Oh it’s never been a straight line, mistakes are made all along the way yet it’s those mistakes allow me to keep on the right path to where I will end up.

For me, step 1 was the ability to work anywhere in the world.  Check.  Step two, work from a very specific tropical area and travel for work around the world for only half my time.  Working on that one now 😉

So, what are you working on?  Are you working on ‘how long it’s going to take me to pay off X debt’ or are you working on “while I’m working on paying off this debt, let’s find another way to short-cut this!”?

So I sit here….

….and I contemplate my life.

I’m truly at a nexus point in my life.  I can literally feel zero pull/push in any direction and yet somehow I still want there to be one.  Of course that just falls into the whole Universal response of “Oh, you WANT something….ok, have more WANT then!”.

I’ve never been in such a position, well not consciously, where I can just choose what direction I can go.  It’s….unsettling.  Like a few weeks ago, I had a weekend where I had nothing planned, which is unusual.  I was feeling rather lost….like I _should_ be doing something but there was nothing (read no distractions) to keep me from being present and conscious.

The other day I started making some points about what to do in my professional life, and despite having a clear picture of where I’d like to head towards….I couldn’t think of the next step.  I’m a terrible chess player so this should be no surprise to me.  I have a hard time figuring out what my next move, despite knowing how each piece moves individually.

When you can choose from any possibility, it’s severely daunting.

So, I’ll sit in this quiet for awhile longer.  Let my brain and soul take a rest and listen quietly to that inner-voice that will eventually be heard and guide me.