I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you!

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  We spent an evening out with local friends, one which was leaving the country and that I’ve harbored a long standing suspicion that there was ‘something’ between you guys a long time ago.  While at that dinner he was describing ‘this girl’ he was trying to date but had a ‘unique familial circumstance’ and all the time he was talking, you sat there in THE most awkward silence.  This is someone whom you knew longer than me…how could you ever be so awkward around that person?  So quiet?  So “I’m looking at the table so no one notices me and makes any connection to the story being told?”

Can’t get any more damn obvious to me!

Then tonight, you call saying you have to go the mall to return an item and won’t be home till 8pm.  There was ‘something’ in your voice and I asked if you were feeling ok, knowing the recent troubles you’ve had.  You said you were fine but your voice said otherwise.

Oh, and it doesn’t fucking help that we now live in the same city as the person you cheated with either!

It’s getting harder and hard to bide my time before I can make my move to go my own way.  How much can I really hold back?  It’s not in my nature.  I’m spontaneous, I’m enthusiastic, I’m loud.  This silence is nearly as bad as when I learned about your cheating all those years ago.

I really need to fucking scream right now but I have to settle for venting here, to strangers, all my issues that I literally have no one near me to sit and talk it over with.  It’s painful.  Really, emotionally painful.

I push forward with the knowledge and resolve of my plan to go my own way.  Soon pieces will be in place and then we’re done.  I would do it sooner but that just can’t work right now for various reasons.  Soon I’ll be free.  Soon.

The highest good

How many of you have sacrificed your spiritual growth under the banner of “I don’t want to hurt him/her”?  Were you making a True choice our were you too afraid of making a choice that was for your higher good?  Do not confuse this with “the greater good”.  That just means for humanity at large.  The “higher good” is for your own growth and not that of others, it is personal.

My own mother sacrificed so much for what she trained herself to believe was for the good of the family.  Mostly because of some irrational fear and immaturity on the part of my father. To this day, she does not have any friends she goes out to see.  No one calls her just to talk with her about life.  She had embedded everything she does with family only.  While that can be considered admirable, I want you to sit there and tell me that’s healthy for your soul.  Can you even conceive of not having anyone to talk to outside of your family? What does that teach your kids?  They say that your kids either grow up just like you our completely opposite.  In thus respect, I am completely opposite.  I have friends all over the world. Many who would do anything if I asked them.

My mother had sacrificed a good career just because of my father’s insecurity. This is something I refuse to do.  I will not let anyone stand in my way of my personal growth. This includes breaking relationships that are doing nothing but holding me back.  We all do this, yet for some reason if you say you at leaving your marriage, everyone wants to give you advice on how to keep it.  Well, everyone except those who don’t like your significant other that is.

This change is for my higher good. It is not rash. It is not even a sudden decision, although many will think so but only because they at not “in the loop” of events that have transpired. 7 years is a long time to carry around mistrust and resentment.  The mistrust stated off huge after the cheating was discovered but it eventually died down to a mild case of paranoia.  Hmmm, not really paranoid but just…..a low level of distrust.  The resentment has been growing in a near linear line.  I have had to control my outbursts in reaction to something my partner had done/said.  It’s greeting harder to do and if anything else, that is a sign in of itself things need to change.

I want my fucking patience now!

Seriously. Had a lot of computer-things go wrong today. I finally got over that and the damned headache too. You kissed me on the cheek goodnight, I put headphones on so I can watch a TV on my computer and you’ve been back 3 fucking times with the first 6 minutes!

I’m going to guess that the effort it is taking me not to snap is because of everything that came at me today and not just your one stupid, weak ability to be able to do simple things AFTER you said good night.

I really hope I can work through the next few months. I don’t really want to make a rash decision. Its going to be annoying enough to retool you I’m taking a trip without you and the crap you are going to spew over that.

Going to need some heavy meditation tonight I think.

Oh My God, Shut The Hell Up!

This…..this will be a rant.

Seriously.  You just ramble on with stupid observations and idiotic questions.  You know something is in one of those boxes but you are not sure if you should open the box you currently have.  What the hell do you want me to say?  “Oh no, don’t open that box, its full of bad mojo!”  Just open the fucking box and see it had the stuff you are looking for!

You repeat the most inane things.  You have told me no less than 5 times this one fact.  Pointless and obvious at the same time.  Seriously, I am being mentally drowned in less-than-mediocre conversation.  There is no enlightenment here.  There is no stimulation here. I am the only one that brings any kind of laughter into this relationship and I’m tired of it.

You never ask if I’m in the middle of something.  How the hell can I possibly pay attention to what you are saying if you never consider that I might be doing something important and woulda like to hear what you are saying but you never, ever think I am occupied.  Over a decade later and you still don’t know my basic persona?  Fuck.

Update:

Fuck me.  You said you were going to take a shower, you know I was trying to watch a video and you are still fucking babbling on. I just want to scream!

Where do you draw the line?

At what point does something make you think that “this is too far”?  That something had “crossed the line” and there was no turning back on that action.  It could be in a marriage, a friendship or even work.  At some point your sense of right was wronged and you have been insulted in some way.

Was it your significant other who cheated on you?  Can it be forgiven.  Maybe.  Can YOU forgive? Different question.  I used to think I was more flexible than I am.  Thought I was forgiving enough but it seems there are some things I really can’t forgive.

This is the same feeling that compels all these whistle blowers you read about.  The Mannings and Snowdens of the world.  Not money, that’s for sure.  There is no amount of money that is worth being treated like Bradley Manning has been.  Or is worth running out of the country on your life, never to return like Edward Snowden?

If your significant other betrays you, it is a horrible feeling.  I can see how some lesser minds would snap and go on a rampage but in the end, the potential for forgiveness is there.  But what happens when you are betrayed by your country?  The place where you have lived, breathed and grew up in for 20/30/40 years?  You going to divorce your home?  Because the country doesn’t care about your forgiveness.  Doesn’t care about being faithful to you.  Will not change because it feels remorse.

There was a person who broke up as relationship of mine many years ago, for purely selfish reasons too.  They asked if I could forgive them and I replied “Probably not in this life time.”  As things happened, the tables turned and the person, whom I thought was a friend, ended up betraying my trust and now I am really good friends with the first person that I thought I would never forgive.  Yet that persons betrayal, while had crossed a line at the time, was forgivable.  My current significant other’s betrayal, while I thought it was forgivable, was not.  Took me years to realize this.  Lots of reflection on my habits.

Even now I am mixed between suspicion and uncaring when she says she is going to “meet a friend”.  I simply can’t believe how blindsided I was back then.  You know why?  Because I thought it was normal to talk about your problems.  Guess some don’t think like that.

So now what? Do I give this person more courtesy than was given me?  Do they deserve it? Can I even be bothered any more?

Challenging the status quo: Marriage

The question is simple: can one person give you everything you ever wanted in a relationship?

Now, let me mess with your minds.  I want to ask one more question….is the previous one even a valid question?

The more I learn about history, the more I learn about my own life and the most I learn about my own current ‘life partner’ the more I question everything.  Oh the traditionalists will scream “Yes you can get everything from one person, if you don’t like it then get a divorce.” (to whit the ultra-conservatives will say “No, you keep working at it, divorce is not allowed under God!”).  And here we are, at the root of the problem.

As far as I can tell, ‘marriage’ is a contrived notion, originally to try to impose some sort of morals while maintaining control over the people(not to mention their wallets).  This might have been useful for our species growth but now I feel it is terribly outdated.  In fact, there’s been precedence that this has not only been an absolute failure but something that just isn’t in our personalities.

Adultery has been an accepted practice in many societies.  Typically nobility where marriage was arranged but not limited to this setup.  As things like this has been known to happen over thousands of years, how can one even consider my first question to be a valid one ever?

I think the root of the situation is what you really want.  If you are married to one person but would rather be 100% with another, then that is a problem.  Being married to one person but only wanting sex with another, not such a big deal.  Want to know how this can be easily seen?  Simply ask “what is love?”  When you look up the definition what do you see?

an intense feeling of deep affection.

a person or thing that one loves.

Notice anything missing there?  Those definitions only talk about the emotion and not once mention physical side of things and yet somehow it is merely assumed to be included.

We are a varied species.  A nearly unlimited combination of thoughts and beliefs.  So that first question is absolutely bogus as it only presents a one-sided argument when as a society, we are far from being one-dimensional in our beings.