I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you!

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  We spent an evening out with local friends, one which was leaving the country and that I’ve harbored a long standing suspicion that there was ‘something’ between you guys a long time ago.  While at that dinner he was describing ‘this girl’ he was trying to date but had a ‘unique familial circumstance’ and all the time he was talking, you sat there in THE most awkward silence.  This is someone whom you knew longer than me…how could you ever be so awkward around that person?  So quiet?  So “I’m looking at the table so no one notices me and makes any connection to the story being told?”

Can’t get any more damn obvious to me!

Then tonight, you call saying you have to go the mall to return an item and won’t be home till 8pm.  There was ‘something’ in your voice and I asked if you were feeling ok, knowing the recent troubles you’ve had.  You said you were fine but your voice said otherwise.

Oh, and it doesn’t fucking help that we now live in the same city as the person you cheated with either!

It’s getting harder and hard to bide my time before I can make my move to go my own way.  How much can I really hold back?  It’s not in my nature.  I’m spontaneous, I’m enthusiastic, I’m loud.  This silence is nearly as bad as when I learned about your cheating all those years ago.

I really need to fucking scream right now but I have to settle for venting here, to strangers, all my issues that I literally have no one near me to sit and talk it over with.  It’s painful.  Really, emotionally painful.

I push forward with the knowledge and resolve of my plan to go my own way.  Soon pieces will be in place and then we’re done.  I would do it sooner but that just can’t work right now for various reasons.  Soon I’ll be free.  Soon.

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Suicidal Thoughts

Nothing scares more than suicidal thoughts.  Oh not mine, thoughts of some one close to me.  When I asked a friend of mine how was their day and I get a stream of ugly words and a picture of pills in a pile they made a shockwave of fear ripped through me.

Right after that I immediately went into fight mode.  All thoughts and options opened up and my next actions were planned out. My friend stopped responding to my texts. Refused to answer any IM calls.  Since they only used a phone, it could be they got a call or chatting with some one else as well.

I texted that if I didn’t get a response with 5 minutes, I would make serious calls. Meaning emergency numbers.

5 minutes went by.  Fine. Call my local emergency number and gave them the deal. As I know name, number and address of my friend, connecting through official channels can be done when the person isn’t local.

As I was giving the final details, my friend responded. They would accept a voice call. It was and awkward moment when I had both on the phone at once(one on Skype, the other on my mobile).  I told my emergency contact that I believe we can wait before going any further.   The emergency person was ok with this.

I then proceeded to talk with my friend for the next 2.5hrs. Even got a laugh out of them.  Had them promise me they were ok as. I had something else to do and I felt confident enough that the immediate danger had passed.

I’m sure there is still work to be done with my friend but I do hope they know just how much I’m here for them.

 

Drained

This little bit of limbo I’m in had made me realized just how drained I am.  Guess I really needed this break.  Ok fine.  I’m doing everything I can to….well, not do anything.  Wonderful contradiction that.

I see pics of certain people and I realize how much it hurts.  So, with this pause, I’m doing some work on letting go if that emotional bruise.  Nothing is broken, just badly bruised.  Add that to the drain of pure energy output for the last 5 months and I’m surprised I’m still standing.  Time to ramp up the meditation….or caffine…what ever works.  Coffee is good for the soul right?

Numb

That’s about what I mostly feel right now.  Trying to decide if my detachment practice is allowing me the freedom to think clearly or after months of being rather ecstatic at something that I found and then suddenly, it stopped.

Sometimes I feel I should just beak down and cry.  Might even be good for me.  Yet that seems to be something I can either choose to do or not.  Odd feeling that.  The ability to choose when most simply react to things. Oh the feelings are there.  The thoughts are there.  I simply am not going to react to them.

There is another idea.  Faith.  Faith that this is all for a purpose that I do not yet understand.  I mean, so much has happened to me over the last 5 months that has reaffirmed my faith in my path, I think that its still there.  That faith in what I will do.  Not so much in what others do or say. I still have things I need to do regardless of any outside influence.

Sure it would suck to have to wait for another lifetime to try again.  Sigh.  Acceptance of the idea that life is infinite is a serious way to test anyone’s faith.

Let me make sure you understand what I mean by faith.  I do not speak of it in any sort of mainstream religious sense.  This is faith in what I have learned about life any what I can glean from the little whispers of my soul.

You bet I could write out one Hell of a sob story, full of pain and loss but I think that would be an premature and not really helpful for me moving forward in my own path.

So really….its not numbness but more of a sense of  holding ones breath while heading down a compete unknown path and setting what is going to jump out at me.  Will it be something that will startle me, or will I simply see the truth that had always been there?  Maybe is there a black whole of damnation that I must traverse in order to challenge my very soul?  Maybe all of it together.

Fuck it.  I’m going that way any ways. So, bring it on.

Where do you draw the line?

At what point does something make you think that “this is too far”?  That something had “crossed the line” and there was no turning back on that action.  It could be in a marriage, a friendship or even work.  At some point your sense of right was wronged and you have been insulted in some way.

Was it your significant other who cheated on you?  Can it be forgiven.  Maybe.  Can YOU forgive? Different question.  I used to think I was more flexible than I am.  Thought I was forgiving enough but it seems there are some things I really can’t forgive.

This is the same feeling that compels all these whistle blowers you read about.  The Mannings and Snowdens of the world.  Not money, that’s for sure.  There is no amount of money that is worth being treated like Bradley Manning has been.  Or is worth running out of the country on your life, never to return like Edward Snowden?

If your significant other betrays you, it is a horrible feeling.  I can see how some lesser minds would snap and go on a rampage but in the end, the potential for forgiveness is there.  But what happens when you are betrayed by your country?  The place where you have lived, breathed and grew up in for 20/30/40 years?  You going to divorce your home?  Because the country doesn’t care about your forgiveness.  Doesn’t care about being faithful to you.  Will not change because it feels remorse.

There was a person who broke up as relationship of mine many years ago, for purely selfish reasons too.  They asked if I could forgive them and I replied “Probably not in this life time.”  As things happened, the tables turned and the person, whom I thought was a friend, ended up betraying my trust and now I am really good friends with the first person that I thought I would never forgive.  Yet that persons betrayal, while had crossed a line at the time, was forgivable.  My current significant other’s betrayal, while I thought it was forgivable, was not.  Took me years to realize this.  Lots of reflection on my habits.

Even now I am mixed between suspicion and uncaring when she says she is going to “meet a friend”.  I simply can’t believe how blindsided I was back then.  You know why?  Because I thought it was normal to talk about your problems.  Guess some don’t think like that.

So now what? Do I give this person more courtesy than was given me?  Do they deserve it? Can I even be bothered any more?