I did it.

I made the decision and I moved out.  I don’t feel back, I don’t feel anything negative.  I mostly feel about the same as I did before with a growing amount of optimism about the future.

There were no angry words, no arguments, no real fighting at all.  That’s as best as I could hope for.  I wasn’t interested in a lot of bad karma.  I wanted as clean a break as possible so I could move on easier.

So now the rebuilding begins.  Have some pretty major signs that I’ve made the right choice already, besides the obvious screaming voice inside my head prior to this.

I’m ready for the next stage of my life.

A step has been taken

Finally, I got up the courage and tell my significant other that it’s just not working anymore.  I worked really hard at keeping it as enlightened as possible and focus on the positive aspects of the decision.  that, I believe, it what kept the conversation in a rational and not overly-emotional shout-fest.

As expected, occasionally I would get some comments that were far from polite.  I am doing my best to keep it civil till I can move out.  There is no hate, there are no ‘unforgivable’ actions.  This is merely a choice and one which I believe is in my own best interest.

It is not going to be fun over the next couple of weeks, while I try to sort out where it is that I’m actually going to live, and it scares the hell out of but I have to have faith in my choices and walk bravely on.

I will so need a lot of emotional support in the coming months over this.

I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you,I don’t trust you!

This is getting fucking ridiculous.  We spent an evening out with local friends, one which was leaving the country and that I’ve harbored a long standing suspicion that there was ‘something’ between you guys a long time ago.  While at that dinner he was describing ‘this girl’ he was trying to date but had a ‘unique familial circumstance’ and all the time he was talking, you sat there in THE most awkward silence.  This is someone whom you knew longer than me…how could you ever be so awkward around that person?  So quiet?  So “I’m looking at the table so no one notices me and makes any connection to the story being told?”

Can’t get any more damn obvious to me!

Then tonight, you call saying you have to go the mall to return an item and won’t be home till 8pm.  There was ‘something’ in your voice and I asked if you were feeling ok, knowing the recent troubles you’ve had.  You said you were fine but your voice said otherwise.

Oh, and it doesn’t fucking help that we now live in the same city as the person you cheated with either!

It’s getting harder and hard to bide my time before I can make my move to go my own way.  How much can I really hold back?  It’s not in my nature.  I’m spontaneous, I’m enthusiastic, I’m loud.  This silence is nearly as bad as when I learned about your cheating all those years ago.

I really need to fucking scream right now but I have to settle for venting here, to strangers, all my issues that I literally have no one near me to sit and talk it over with.  It’s painful.  Really, emotionally painful.

I push forward with the knowledge and resolve of my plan to go my own way.  Soon pieces will be in place and then we’re done.  I would do it sooner but that just can’t work right now for various reasons.  Soon I’ll be free.  Soon.

Long time no update

Ever since the return from my trip, it’s been a busy and hectic time.  I almost forgot about this blog actually.  Which is kind of funny but maybe I just didn’t need this as an outlet for the last couple of months?  In any case, let’s update things a bit shall we.

Still in the same relationship.  Circumstances dictate this for a few more months.  I have many physical things to deal with and once those are done…well, there is the whole “when” thing.  I am going through another stage of ‘shedding’.  The whole ‘getting rid of physical attachments’.  Did this once before when I moved, doing so again.

What is odd but interesting is that I pretty much know what I need for the next leg of my journey.  My partner should be the perfect compliment for the new endeavours I am about to embark on.  There are certain skills that I am keenly aware of in which I lack.  Not having someone who is even remotely close to balancing out that part of me has been a significant reason why my progress has been slow.  Either you learn new skills or you find those who can both enhance yours and be enhanced by the skills you do posses.  My current partner, I believe, gets more from me than I from them.

Still, having a purely intellectual understanding of the things you are keenly aware of does not grant immediate release of the emotions attached to the situation at all. Even the couple of potentials that I met while away may not be the answer.  Should the opportunity even come up, there will be significant discussion on what I am looking for in a relationship.  This will obviously include my own general beliefs about life.  If there is one thing that will ruin a relationship that would be having two completely different views on how the whole universe works.

I think I might give them this blog and say ‘read this.  understand this. know me.’. There is certainly a lot of me here and explains a lot of my core being.

Still, there is that nagging fear that ‘what if you don’t find that perfect significant other while you are in a foreign country trying to make a living?’.  That is an ugly and crippling thought if one were to give into it.

Regardless, I’m still moving along with my progress and have a set time for a point of significant change coming up.  Next spring will see quite a difference in my life.

One step forward

I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently.  Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years.  Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more.  Trying to see what it’s really about.  I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself.  I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip.  You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.

No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me.  Words that would ring true.  I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.).  I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.

To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being.  That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be.  That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post.  That am I am very aware of.  Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful.  While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth.  Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.

One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up.  The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country.  The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there.  When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.

I’m not going to press the issue.  It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on.  We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach.  I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing.  I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’.  Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way.  Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself.  Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.

Life moves pretty quick…

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller

That single quote would be one of the major reasons I am getting out of my current relationship.  My partner simply does NOT look around at all.  Their observation of the world around is pretty minimal.  Not only do they completely miss how I am being treated they are also missing the other signs of how wrong things are going.  This means it will be an utter surprise when I say “It’s over”.  I’m also pretty sure said person will never truly understand why.

There is not much more important than the ability to be aware of your surroundings.  This includes how your mind thinks, how other people act and how things start happening to you.  When your significant other starts to kiss you less and less on the lips….when they start enjoying more ‘time alone’….you might want to take that as a sign.  When more and more ‘random’ people start wanting to talk to you because they are obviously interested, you might want to be aware and understand why this is happening.

This applies to more than just relationships of course.  You simple need to both be aware of what is going on as well as being detached.  If you get all tangled up in the emotions of the moment, it will do you no good to react that way.  Most likely it’ll make things worse.  Even when you do make reasonably detached decisions, don’t let the emotions wallow you down and ruin that choice.  No regrets.  They are wasteful.

The highest good

How many of you have sacrificed your spiritual growth under the banner of “I don’t want to hurt him/her”?  Were you making a True choice our were you too afraid of making a choice that was for your higher good?  Do not confuse this with “the greater good”.  That just means for humanity at large.  The “higher good” is for your own growth and not that of others, it is personal.

My own mother sacrificed so much for what she trained herself to believe was for the good of the family.  Mostly because of some irrational fear and immaturity on the part of my father. To this day, she does not have any friends she goes out to see.  No one calls her just to talk with her about life.  She had embedded everything she does with family only.  While that can be considered admirable, I want you to sit there and tell me that’s healthy for your soul.  Can you even conceive of not having anyone to talk to outside of your family? What does that teach your kids?  They say that your kids either grow up just like you our completely opposite.  In thus respect, I am completely opposite.  I have friends all over the world. Many who would do anything if I asked them.

My mother had sacrificed a good career just because of my father’s insecurity. This is something I refuse to do.  I will not let anyone stand in my way of my personal growth. This includes breaking relationships that are doing nothing but holding me back.  We all do this, yet for some reason if you say you at leaving your marriage, everyone wants to give you advice on how to keep it.  Well, everyone except those who don’t like your significant other that is.

This change is for my higher good. It is not rash. It is not even a sudden decision, although many will think so but only because they at not “in the loop” of events that have transpired. 7 years is a long time to carry around mistrust and resentment.  The mistrust stated off huge after the cheating was discovered but it eventually died down to a mild case of paranoia.  Hmmm, not really paranoid but just…..a low level of distrust.  The resentment has been growing in a near linear line.  I have had to control my outbursts in reaction to something my partner had done/said.  It’s greeting harder to do and if anything else, that is a sign in of itself things need to change.

I want my fucking patience now!

Seriously. Had a lot of computer-things go wrong today. I finally got over that and the damned headache too. You kissed me on the cheek goodnight, I put headphones on so I can watch a TV on my computer and you’ve been back 3 fucking times with the first 6 minutes!

I’m going to guess that the effort it is taking me not to snap is because of everything that came at me today and not just your one stupid, weak ability to be able to do simple things AFTER you said good night.

I really hope I can work through the next few months. I don’t really want to make a rash decision. Its going to be annoying enough to retool you I’m taking a trip without you and the crap you are going to spew over that.

Going to need some heavy meditation tonight I think.

Biding your time

Have you ever been in a relationship where you knew it was going to end? There was no absolute time/date set, you just knew it would happen. How do you deal with such a thing? Do you radiate malice to its end? Our how about just hostility to the other? What if there was no reason for it ending other than you just need a change? The other person is not necessarily a bad person, they just don’t seem to suit you any more.

How do you let them know? Do you really try to work it out but deep down you know they aren’t going to change and all the things, little and big, have finally added up to something that you really don’t want to work with at all.

Should you just one say, pack up while they were out and leave a note? Is that really cowardly? Or simply the cleanest way to break the tie.

Does the other even deserve anything more than a goodbye note?

None of theses question can even be answered by any of you. There is more to any given situation than outsiders really know and the only answer that matters is the one I give it.

Challenging the status quo: Marriage

The question is simple: can one person give you everything you ever wanted in a relationship?

Now, let me mess with your minds.  I want to ask one more question….is the previous one even a valid question?

The more I learn about history, the more I learn about my own life and the most I learn about my own current ‘life partner’ the more I question everything.  Oh the traditionalists will scream “Yes you can get everything from one person, if you don’t like it then get a divorce.” (to whit the ultra-conservatives will say “No, you keep working at it, divorce is not allowed under God!”).  And here we are, at the root of the problem.

As far as I can tell, ‘marriage’ is a contrived notion, originally to try to impose some sort of morals while maintaining control over the people(not to mention their wallets).  This might have been useful for our species growth but now I feel it is terribly outdated.  In fact, there’s been precedence that this has not only been an absolute failure but something that just isn’t in our personalities.

Adultery has been an accepted practice in many societies.  Typically nobility where marriage was arranged but not limited to this setup.  As things like this has been known to happen over thousands of years, how can one even consider my first question to be a valid one ever?

I think the root of the situation is what you really want.  If you are married to one person but would rather be 100% with another, then that is a problem.  Being married to one person but only wanting sex with another, not such a big deal.  Want to know how this can be easily seen?  Simply ask “what is love?”  When you look up the definition what do you see?

an intense feeling of deep affection.

a person or thing that one loves.

Notice anything missing there?  Those definitions only talk about the emotion and not once mention physical side of things and yet somehow it is merely assumed to be included.

We are a varied species.  A nearly unlimited combination of thoughts and beliefs.  So that first question is absolutely bogus as it only presents a one-sided argument when as a society, we are far from being one-dimensional in our beings.