I’d like to say this was my ego but…

Life has a very interesting way of guiding me at times.  Remember that brief but fiery trip I had with someone I thought was going to work out longer but then crashed?

Well, after one week the other person blinked.  I got a text message from them.  I had already decided that it was fine to move on.  Sure, I thought about them on a fairly regular basis, all the potential, and connection.  I summed that up to my process of dealing with something very intense and gradually flushing through my system  My ego really wanted that person to come begging back but I knew that was a fantasy.

I figured that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that I am exactly who I say I am, that I have done nothing malicious or intentionally tried to hurt anyone.  As I had initially set my intentions at the beginning of our connections that we both understood it wouldn’t go anywhere serious in any kind of immediate time frame.  I was ok with that.  I worked with that intention.  Oh sure my dreaming and imagination would occasionally poke its head into the future but I never stayed there and never gave it anything more than a ‘that would be nice’ type of thought.

So the texting turned into what I was trying so hard to do before….have a rational discussion.  When I get angry, I know I will NOT say nice things.  In fact, my mind goes right for the jugular and I aim dead on said person’s weakest spot.  Yeah, you know that would never turn out well except for the most divinely inspired and immediate realization that I was right about that.  Given that such a thing is not likely to happen to many people at all because as humans, we generally will react in a defensive nature and do everything we can to protect that fragile thing of an ego.  So I did the only thing I could do, stop talking and take a break.

Well, I’m not an asshole and held no malice toward the other person.  I knew that there were some serious medical concerns and wished them the best with whatever happens.  Turned out that it was only a few steps away from being something really nasty and can be worked out.  I was glad for that.

The conversation started to build and I really didn’t want to leave a relationship with such a negative amount of karma that I’d have to deal with again the next time around.  We know have an understanding that we are both different, will react differently and feel things differently.  I was really happy that we were talking again.  I said before that as long as we could keep on communicating, we could evolve into a decent relationship.  Seems that they realized I had the right idea on how to handle things, pushed aside their misplaced hurt feelings and made the effort.  That was impressive.  I was honoured to have such a person in my life.

So it’s been 4 days since we’ve started talking, texting/sexting and it’s going well again.  In fact, there was yet another severe breakthrough on their part last night.

They had this one, severely debilitating self-esteem issue about their body.  I mean, to the point that no one, except a doctor, ever saw this issue.  Not their family, not their friends, no one.  Even the rather private photos were taken in such a way that it would never be shown.  We had talked about it, and I understood the root of it but until they were ready to let that go, I could only support them in moving forward.  Well, last night I got a picture of the issue.  It was such an emotionally charged exchange and I had never been so impressed and floored by such a leap of faith that I was stunned.  I only gave praise for who they were and how I felt and that what I felt had not changed because of what I was shown.  In fact, and in reality, I was MORE attracted to them.

That was when I got a tear-soaked video saying thank you for my words.  To me, they were the hero and I should be the only person thanking them.  They made a very massive step from freeing themselves from a self-imposed, negative thought pattern.  That is a rare thing in this world and I am honoured to have witnessed it.

We will be meeting shortly.  I expect some more tears, on both sides actually.  From their begging of acceptance of their issue, and my witness to me losing a regular contract job(that sucks), it’ll be a very raw night.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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One step forward

I’ve been reading a lot more on Buddhism recently.  Oh I’ve known about it for a long time, respected it even but only ever had some surface knowledge of it for many years.  Over the last year or so, I’ve been trying to learn more.  Trying to see what it’s really about.  I hung out with a particular organization (SGI) and while some of the people were great, the founder is not something I can’t really believe he’s doing what’s best for the world versus more of what’s best for himself.  I have my reasons for my beliefs and will not go into details for that would be nothing more than spreading slander and gossip.  You are free to do your own research and find your own conclusions on SGI.

No, what I have done is asked very strong questions and I keep asking till I find an answer that makes sense to me.  Words that would ring true.  I know there was a point within Buddhism(in relation to cultural adjustments) that I could never, ever agree with (namely the whole Patriarchal aspect from India mainly.).  I do have a better understanding of it and I do believe change has occurred yet there is still a long way to go.

To this end, the reading has helped me some to pay more attention to my own thoughts and inner being.  That being the case, I am now keenly aware of something that I knew would happen but didn’t know how aware of that I would be.  That ‘closing of a chapter’ from my last post.  That am I am very aware of.  Despite my faint hopes of something happening to finish it off more ideally, I have become aware of the ‘dryness’ of that connection that I had with this other person, which was once rich and vibrant and powerful.  While I believe such connections will never be truly severed, karmically there needs to be a resolution before such ties are understood, the connection will remain a dusty hallway waiting to be used once again in our next rebirth.  Quite a fascinating conscious thought that.

One of the things I only barely touched on was that other person who popped up.  The more we talk, the more we tend to finish each other’s sentences or have the same thought but spoken by the other. I mean….damn, that’s right out of a crystal-weenie magic shop text book. This is the second person that I have met since leaving my home country.  The other is the same sex as me so not going to be anything beyond good friend there.  When it’s the opposite sex, and I’m in my current condition of ‘searching for that significant other’, I have to be real careful not to read more into it than it might be.

I’m not going to press the issue.  It would be rather unproductive given what I still have to sort out with the other part of my life any ways but it is something I’ll keep tabs on.  We have had some good conversations and when I heard about some of the bad things that happened in their previous relationship, I felt absolutely horrible with that sinking pit in my stomach.  I simply can’t comprehend why people do the things they do, and that’s a good thing.  I was called ‘too nice’, which is good to hear and yet so many others think it’s either ‘too good to be true’ or ‘I don’t deserve such a nice person’.  Both equally frustrate me and I’m trying to understand and accept the fact that everyone must go their own way.  Especially since that’s what I’m doing myself.  Regardless, it’s still a bullshit excuse that people need to get over.

We are all connected

I’m pretty sure you’ve heard that phrase a million times and barely gave it a passing thought outside if the usual New Age/Hippie bullshit right? Let’s see about that.

I met a new person a few months ago. We get along so damned well that people wonder if we are related. Our humour, our mannerisms all mesh. It’s like we’ve known each other for years yet it’s only been months. This is connection. No one would be confused upon seeing us. We’ll be good friends forever I think.

Or how about when you work on a project with someone and the end result just is perfect? I had an idea for a logo but could not draw it. I brought it to a graphic designer and not only did that person hit the nail exactly on the head, the subtle improvements that were added just sent it over the edge in how True that image was. Connection.

What about when you meet someone and within a few exchanged messages/chats you feel you can tell anything about them. Like the knowledge is instinctive. You kind of don’t want to believe that it’s happening yet there it is. It that perfect combination. Two people who have experienced things in their lives that despite their vast differences, they fit together like a jigsaw puzzle piece. One simply cannot ignore such things. Indeed you’ll find your thought being more and more preoccupied by this “other you”. If your perspective is on the wrong level, the connection won’t last. You can usually tell this by how long the initial connection takes. Being smitten is one thing…..having their very thoughts/spirit occupy your very core is quite another. If you are just smitten, then the connection is limited in level and by default, limited in strength and will eventually fall apart while you wonder “what went wrong?”

Absolutely nothing went wrong. The relationship ran it’s course based on how it was started. Somethings this happens when sometime recognizes the difference. Sometimes it happens when as person grows while the other does not. When the gap in growth gets to a certain level, the relationship breaks down. It no longer “works”. No one is at fault. This is that one major constant on life that you can count on….change.

What have you notice changing lately?