It’s very hard to let go of anger.  I’m having such a hard time trying to stop being so annoyed with that person who blew me off.  I don’t get it. How can people be so blind to their actions?  How can they think that whatever they do is perfectly fine.

I’m trying so hard to improve myself. Trying to find a place that I feel emotuonally comfortable in for awhile.  I told a friend that I was surprised to see so many people with utter lack of integrity. I wondered what had happened to people or have I really matured so far that I’m just seeing how common it really is?

Not sure where to go from here.


Getting real tired of this shit….

Why the hell can’t people be more considerate?

I mean, we make some ‘tentative’ plans, with the understanding that it might not happen.  I’m fine with that but when it doesn’t happen, then you fucking let me know.  Don’t leave me hanging all damn day without even a ‘sorry, can’t make it’ message.  Fuck.  Is it really that hard to send a message?!

Fuck your ‘I don’t want to disappoint you’ beliefs.  You fucking just did.  How the fuck did you think I was going to feel?  “Oh it’s fine…that’s just the situation.”  How about some god damn fucking courtesy?!

For the last week, you’ve done nothing to pull right back.  Fuck!  It’s really, really annoying to deal with people and their fears that they give in to.

We were ‘on the same page’ without actually saying any words.  Things were feeling great, exchanges were energetic and happy.  I used to get ‘Good Morning” with a kiss emoji.  Now….nothing.  You let slip some words and then condemned me for saying the same damn thing.

Yeah, patience was never my strong suit but damn…..courtesy doesn’t seem to be yours.  Despite you also accusing me of the same thing.

Also, to that other person who seemed interested but then hid behind the ‘oh well, just someone else on a digital platform that I don’t have to bother getting to know at all despite that’s my whole reason for being here.”  Fuck you and your attitude.  You ignore questions and can’t put any real effort into even seeing what is possible.

Fuck people today.  Just….fuck them.


So, the Disturbance in the Force wasn’t enough, today it was anger that went beyond normal.

Sure, I was thinking of stuff that annoyed me, made me feel quite bitter and somewhat angry but this time…..this time it was deeper, lasted longer and really disrupted my day.

I swear I’m picking up on someone and they are just hiding it really well, or simply not letting anyone know.

Maybe there has been a lot of anger brewing for awhile?  I mean, I got some rather irritating news and was able to discuss some of it with a friend, mildly venting a bit, and thought that was that.

My FWB says I over-analyze things too much.  True, I do that but I also know that if I can’t source out the problem after awhile, I let it be and usually the answer comes to me. They didn’t quite believe me till I said: “I mostly not try to think when you are around…..well, I try not to think of your <details redacted> and just experience it.”.  I think they bought that and I may have even gained a few added brownie points 😉

I also realized how lonely I still am.  Both days I really just wanted to be around someone who could hug me.  I am trying to keep my perspective that my FWB is really just that….a FWB.  So I’m mostly where I was before….but just with the occasional round of sex thrown in.  So….that’s a step up from the entire previous year.

I also got an invite to the UK to visit another ‘person of interest’ when I was there the last time.  Well….technically it was ‘two times’ ago as the last time I was there, said person actually stood me up a couple of times.  Thought that was more than just a little rude.  So I never bothered contacting them again.  Fast forward a few years and that emotional hurt has gone.  Now we do talk, occasionally, and I got invited to visit them.  I just need to find the best way to be able to do that.  The UK isn’t exactly cheap when you factor in exchange rates and all.

Given that I’m also talking to another ‘favourite’ of mine as well, that I am still attracted too but the conversations are…..awkward.  Only in the sense that I send a message and it doesn’t get answered in days…..sometimes not at all.  So I don’t quite understand that.

Seriously though….why can I not find a decent person, who can hold a decent conversation, that isn’t either ‘in another country’ or ‘have severe debilitating self-esteem issues’ or ‘taken’, or any combination thereof.

While I certainly don’t consider myself to be perfect, clearly I make enough mistakes, but shit, it seems that the only people who are sorta/completely interested in me have some pretty severe limitations that are damn near impossible to get around.

Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

Suicidal Thoughts

Nothing scares more than suicidal thoughts.  Oh not mine, thoughts of some one close to me.  When I asked a friend of mine how was their day and I get a stream of ugly words and a picture of pills in a pile they made a shockwave of fear ripped through me.

Right after that I immediately went into fight mode.  All thoughts and options opened up and my next actions were planned out. My friend stopped responding to my texts. Refused to answer any IM calls.  Since they only used a phone, it could be they got a call or chatting with some one else as well.

I texted that if I didn’t get a response with 5 minutes, I would make serious calls. Meaning emergency numbers.

5 minutes went by.  Fine. Call my local emergency number and gave them the deal. As I know name, number and address of my friend, connecting through official channels can be done when the person isn’t local.

As I was giving the final details, my friend responded. They would accept a voice call. It was and awkward moment when I had both on the phone at once(one on Skype, the other on my mobile).  I told my emergency contact that I believe we can wait before going any further.   The emergency person was ok with this.

I then proceeded to talk with my friend for the next 2.5hrs. Even got a laugh out of them.  Had them promise me they were ok as. I had something else to do and I felt confident enough that the immediate danger had passed.

I’m sure there is still work to be done with my friend but I do hope they know just how much I’m here for them.


An update and an update!

Ha, bet I’m the first one to write that as a subject line! (Work with me here, I think I’m clever).

So, I need to update the recent Stress post.

After doing some internal searching, I finally decided that it wasn’t _my_ stress.  It was external.  No I’m not blaming it on someone else, and no I’m not alluding to barometric pressure changes.  I mean I was connected with someone and feeling their stress sympathetically!  So, I fired off a few messages to see which one of the people I felt closest to and bingo, hit a response!  The other person first said it was a rather random question that I was asking but yes, they were indeed feeling extremely frustrated at that very moment.  Would you be surprised it was that person I met who pleaded me not to leave after only meeting them 4 weeks ago?  It’s rather interesting to see how I can find people, make significant connections with them and how long they can last, not to mention how strong they can be too.

I even had a dream about that person.  As far as I can remember, I rarely have dreams about people I know.  Lately, due to some upcoming significant changes in my residence, I’ve been dreaming about family and friends.  Pretty detailed stuff.  I told that other person that they were in my dreams, even described it fairly detailed but leaving out some of the intimate feelings that were evoked within said dream.

As this other person and I have kept in casual contact, sending jokes or quick chats back and forth, I mentioned that I had done a bit of early research into renting back in the town where I stayed for awhile.  We talked a bit about details and what type of place I was looking for/price range, that sort of stuff.  Then I was asked if I would share a place with them.  I was a little stunned but would obviously be perfectly fine with it.  I played it cool and well…looks like I have one less consideration to have to go through should I move that way.  Of course, there would be other conversations that would have to be involved.  Out of all the things I have learned, dealing with conflict is a pretty important one.  If you have no agreed upon rule, then emotions will utterly take over and ruin something over a trivial misunderstanding.  What a waste that would be for all involved.

Still, there will be time yet.  Got so much more to finish off before that can be given real thought and not just some casual due diligence investigation.  In regards to my current status, I am thinking of approaching it with a ‘one year separation’.  Every time I have had real freedom, I keep learning more about myself.  The more I learn, the more I feel I become unhindered.  The more I am able to express myself and my true inner-being.  Between having weekends to myself, away from home, to being in another country for more than just a few weeks, it’s like I’m learning to fly in steps.  The next step will be my first taste of true freedom and I doubt I’ll ever turn back.  Yet in order to make this as easy as possible, I need to play it for what it is.  All about me.

Wow….I am still kind of feeling the impact of this offer.  Seriously, it feels like a major point in my life.  Already my brain is working a few stories and what could happen, my imagination takes on a life of it’s own and it’s insanely exciting!  As long as I can keep directing this energy into moving forward intelligently, I’ll be tripping all through the rest of the year!

* Another update….(this is starting to get weird….an update to an update and an update??)

It’s been 18hrs, had some sleep and I’m still in that ‘I can barely believe this is happening’ feeling.  It’s one of those things that you know is exactly on track to a greater you.  As long as I can guide thing upward spiral, not necessarily control but at least just guide it, I’ll be doing good.


I don’t get how this happens.  I was on a long public transportation ride back to my city, petty relaxing, a few annoyances with my electronics mis-behaving but otherwise a normal thing.  Some work has piled up and suddenly I need a bunch of stuff done but can’t possibly get them all done as I am only one person.  I get home but just prior, had this growing feeling of….’don’t want to be here’ type of deal.  I don’t get why I suddenly felt annoyed.  Sure, I needed some food and when I’m really hungry, I get irritable but this did not feel like that.  I ate, and suddenly my significant other had a ton of things that just needed to be droned on about.  Way more details that were completely irrelevant and I didn’t need to hear.  Just get to the point so I can get on with my work will you?!

I was away for a day, sure it was for work and sure it was pretty demanding but it wasn’t something that should have set off this feeling of frustration.  I know we are moving and it’s not a small move either. Yet could it really be that insidious as to start causing stress at such a subtle level?  I’m usually quite self-aware of the origins of my feelings/thoughts but sometimes….I just get blind-sided.  I tend to want to think that it’s related to one of my close friends that I have an ‘etheric’ type of bond with.  That would be a more ‘rational’ explanation in that the feelings are coming from a close friend rather than truly of my own origin.  It’s not really that unheard of in society but the more ‘scientific’ types put such things down despite there being more than just a random case of this type of thing.

So what do I do?  Try to contain my words, not terribly successfully, and write out a blog post.

This next geographical move of mine is a big one.  Necessary as a step towards an even bigger move, which I KNOW there will be stress involved, but still necessary.

Let’s see if I can work off this frustration in some work now shall we?

I want my fucking patience now!

Seriously. Had a lot of computer-things go wrong today. I finally got over that and the damned headache too. You kissed me on the cheek goodnight, I put headphones on so I can watch a TV on my computer and you’ve been back 3 fucking times with the first 6 minutes!

I’m going to guess that the effort it is taking me not to snap is because of everything that came at me today and not just your one stupid, weak ability to be able to do simple things AFTER you said good night.

I really hope I can work through the next few months. I don’t really want to make a rash decision. Its going to be annoying enough to retool you I’m taking a trip without you and the crap you are going to spew over that.

Going to need some heavy meditation tonight I think.