I’d like to say this was my ego but…

Life has a very interesting way of guiding me at times.  Remember that brief but fiery trip I had with someone I thought was going to work out longer but then crashed?

Well, after one week the other person blinked.  I got a text message from them.  I had already decided that it was fine to move on.  Sure, I thought about them on a fairly regular basis, all the potential, and connection.  I summed that up to my process of dealing with something very intense and gradually flushing through my system  My ego really wanted that person to come begging back but I knew that was a fantasy.

I figured that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that I am exactly who I say I am, that I have done nothing malicious or intentionally tried to hurt anyone.  As I had initially set my intentions at the beginning of our connections that we both understood it wouldn’t go anywhere serious in any kind of immediate time frame.  I was ok with that.  I worked with that intention.  Oh sure my dreaming and imagination would occasionally poke its head into the future but I never stayed there and never gave it anything more than a ‘that would be nice’ type of thought.

So the texting turned into what I was trying so hard to do before….have a rational discussion.  When I get angry, I know I will NOT say nice things.  In fact, my mind goes right for the jugular and I aim dead on said person’s weakest spot.  Yeah, you know that would never turn out well except for the most divinely inspired and immediate realization that I was right about that.  Given that such a thing is not likely to happen to many people at all because as humans, we generally will react in a defensive nature and do everything we can to protect that fragile thing of an ego.  So I did the only thing I could do, stop talking and take a break.

Well, I’m not an asshole and held no malice toward the other person.  I knew that there were some serious medical concerns and wished them the best with whatever happens.  Turned out that it was only a few steps away from being something really nasty and can be worked out.  I was glad for that.

The conversation started to build and I really didn’t want to leave a relationship with such a negative amount of karma that I’d have to deal with again the next time around.  We know have an understanding that we are both different, will react differently and feel things differently.  I was really happy that we were talking again.  I said before that as long as we could keep on communicating, we could evolve into a decent relationship.  Seems that they realized I had the right idea on how to handle things, pushed aside their misplaced hurt feelings and made the effort.  That was impressive.  I was honoured to have such a person in my life.

So it’s been 4 days since we’ve started talking, texting/sexting and it’s going well again.  In fact, there was yet another severe breakthrough on their part last night.

They had this one, severely debilitating self-esteem issue about their body.  I mean, to the point that no one, except a doctor, ever saw this issue.  Not their family, not their friends, no one.  Even the rather private photos were taken in such a way that it would never be shown.  We had talked about it, and I understood the root of it but until they were ready to let that go, I could only support them in moving forward.  Well, last night I got a picture of the issue.  It was such an emotionally charged exchange and I had never been so impressed and floored by such a leap of faith that I was stunned.  I only gave praise for who they were and how I felt and that what I felt had not changed because of what I was shown.  In fact, and in reality, I was MORE attracted to them.

That was when I got a tear-soaked video saying thank you for my words.  To me, they were the hero and I should be the only person thanking them.  They made a very massive step from freeing themselves from a self-imposed, negative thought pattern.  That is a rare thing in this world and I am honoured to have witnessed it.

We will be meeting shortly.  I expect some more tears, on both sides actually.  From their begging of acceptance of their issue, and my witness to me losing a regular contract job(that sucks), it’ll be a very raw night.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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So, getting closer?

It’s been a year since I left my significant other.  Things have been quiet and wholly focussed on my own independence.  It’s been a bit of an eye opener as this has been the first place that I’ve been 100% responsible for.  A slightly strange feeling that most others take for granted because they’ve done it dozens of times.  I have not.

I’ve found that, despite the ups and downs of economic times, I still have my own place.  So clearly I’m capable and responsible enough.  Sure, could use some noticeable organizing but that will come as time progresses.

As for any relations….well something sorta happened recently.  3 weeks ago I connected with this completely random person.  The more we talked, the more eerily it was to see what we had in common in our lives.  There were zero friends that knew each other, so we were both surprised at how this came to be.

Things got going well, chat messages went from casual to consensual rather quickly and soon we were exchanging intimate photos on a pretty regular basis.  I’ve only ever done that with one other person in my life.  So there was tons of fire going on.

Now, we weren’t able to meet as often as we’d like but we talked/chatted pretty regularly.  We met briefly one evening and there was lots of touching and kissing.  I was surprised at myself that this was happening.  I was going right along with it.  Normally I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to strike up a conversation with this person but we started digitally and somehow….it just seemed to have worked.

We were most kinda opposites.  I believed in a soul and the grander universe, the other person did not.  This led to a significant misunderstanding and quite a learning experience after one week of just barely getting to know each other.  Once we got over that, things went very well.  Got to spend some decent amount of time with them one Friday evening.

There was no expectation of things getting all naked, that was asked of me.  I was cool with that.  So we talked, tried to find something on Netflix to play in the background, we laid in each other’s arms, it was wonderful.  Of course, things got intimate, pretty intensely but I stuck to my word and kept things from going to ‘that place’.  Then I guess it was too much for them and they said: “Could you……could you just take off your pants?”

I mean….wow.  I knew this was going to stay oral but damn….I love surprises like that!  So, off they went and all was good 🙂

Everything was going fine again till about a week later.  Then a second ‘incident’ happened.  They had this habit of latching onto some idea, giving it a misguided meaning and refused to acknowledge anything else.  I mean, I’ve seen some stubborn things, and some misguided meanings attached to words and actions but this…..this took the cake.

After a day or so of back and forth messages with absolutely zero ground being made for anyone, I ended it.  I refuse to let someone continually insult my integrity and intentions and then also refuse to accept who I am.

Sure, having someone around to be comfortable with, very, very comfortable with, was nice…..but the price had gotten untenable.

So, it was a good experience overall.  I learned about how I interact with people and sadly, learned how I have to ‘hide’ who I am because I’ve yet to find someone who can handle my world view of things.

This is kinda what bothers me the most.  With the other person, that wasn’t a big issue.  They certainly didn’t have my beliefs at all, but it was strangely ok.  I mean, we just kinda worked.  Had our differences, had our discussions, I could even see them starting to see things the way I did but then it just crashed.

A friend of mine told me “You shine a light into people’s dark places and most aren’t ready to handle that.”  Sigh.  I can’t argue with that.

I don’t want to hide from the world.  I just want to be who I am all the time.  So please, Universe, let me find someone who can handle that.  Someone who is willing to grow and learn.  Someone who is willing to try and understand who I am while I do the same for them.

Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

I’m finally starting to get the hang of this thing called life….

Ever since I visiting another place, I made a connection with someone and it continues to blow my mind.

Let’s start at the beginning.

First I was at a pub, at the bar ordering some food.  Then I see this head that barely made it over the top of the bar.  I thought “Oh that’s interesting, I’d like to get to know them better!”.  Well,  god-damn if said person sat at the table of friends I was with!!!  Then we just hit it off.  The rest of my time there was a lot of fun. Hung out a lot with this person but because I was still involved with my ex at the time, I kept things without crossing any lines.  Was I unhappy about my relationship at the time, sure.  Would I be the kind of person who sneaks behind another’s back?  No.  That doesn’t mean I can’t flirt and enjoy another person’s company all the same.

So the following year, I went back to the same place and spent an even longer time.  Between my absence, I kept in touch with some of the people there and that interesting person was one of them.  When I mentioned my return, I was offered a room in their place to rent while I was staying.  Sounded pretty awesome to me.

Now, I knew they had been seeing someone else, so I had no real illusions that I was planning some ulterior motive.  Nope, it was just awesome to see them again, have the odd adventure when they weren’t out with their significant other(which was rare actually).  Help them through some rough spots when they got into an argument but I could already tell that there was trouble brewing.  It wasn’t going to last for them.  Not that I could do much as I had my own relationship issues to deal with but as a friend, I did the best I could to help them get through it.

Time passed.  We kept in touch.  Had a very rough night once and help them through that bit of ugliness.  Then, a few months ago, I made my own choice to move forward in life.  that’s still an ongoing thing and I’m doing pretty good there but let’s get to the meat of this post, shall we?

I’ve read tons and tons on how life supposedly works.  Seen all the faddish movies that talk about all the ‘bells and whistles’ you can do to make your life better and such.  Out of everything I ever saw, read or heard, one thing just worked for me.

I was listening to a playlist for motivation, it included a bunch of different quotes and interview clips from various thought leaders on the subject.  One guy said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When you are going to have that breakthrough, it isn’t something that takes a long time.  It happens at the moment when you make the decision to do something and commit to it.”

Well, going back to my situation and my ideas about this friend.  I decided that I was going to work on getting back to where they are and then work on getting more serious with them.

Over the next week or two, the following things happened: Got interviewed by a company(made it to the second round but ultimately didn’t get the job), got told that I could apply to another company that was really damn close to where the other person I’m interested is, and said person also needed a person to talk to because of their relationship was going from bad to worse(as I initially knew it would).

From what I can tell, it was all from my decision to make going to the other place to essentially be with the other person, was what started this chain of events.  It hasn’t stopped either.  My friend has been going through a very rough time, knows that their relationship will never, ever be what she hoped it to be due to some pretty severe mental issues of their significant other.  So now they are trying to come to terms that they have to make the decision to leave and get untangled from their home life.  Luckily there is no marriage or kids to complicate matters but still, living together and making that leap to leave is never easy for people.  I should know.  Took me 10 years to realize that my own relationship was never going to be fully fulfilling, if not outright detrimental to my personal growth.  I passed this tidbit of wisdom on to this person so that they won’t repeat my lack of action for so long.

So here I am, trying my best to keep things going so that when the opportunity comes, and it will come, I’ll jump right on it and ride it out.

When I take that observer perspective, I can see that it was like placing a piece of the puzzle and getting a glimpse of how the game is played!

Of course, my focus has been towards this goal and remains so.  I have never met someone that I know so well but have only known them for a very short time.  I simply cannot ignore that and because of the distance, it seems wasteful not to be near said person.  Why else have such a bond but never truly be able to act upon it because the distance is so great?  That is the meaning I am giving to this and it seems to be working for me.

I’m a WYSIWYG type of person

I know of a term in computers called WYSIWYG.  Its an acronym for “what you see is what you get”.  Basically when someone designs a program or website, the application used to design it shows you the final product as you go along.  There is no fancy need to “compile” the thing, your design is instant.  It is like the difference between using a keyboard to type “draw a square” versus a mouse to actually draw the square.  I’m like the latter.

While I try my best to follow my intuition and inspiration, I do prefer non-subtle ways of communication.  Yet I know that is purely a fear-based habit.  I’m afraid if being/interpreting things wrongly.  Its easy to do so because we are humans.  We have a problem with both communicating properly as weell as processing information without bias. There is also the ever-present over-thinking that is usually the culprit.  “Why did he do that?  Was it because of ‘x’ or ‘y’?” Which leads to a billion other questions which you can’t possibly answer and get bogged down with “paralysis by analysis” and never get anywhere.

This makes life rather oddly difficult for those if us who are open, honest and mean exactly what they say.  Why? Because so many others do not that everyone thinks you are trying to hide your true intentions because that is what they do.  What an ironic twist of fate huh?

What I also know is that few people can handle those who are truly open an honest.  To use a tired quote-cliche “You can’t handle the truth!”.  If you are someone bogged down by your own mis-guided thoughts/choose to believe others instead of your self, when someone comes along and shines a light on it, it is like being in the dark and someone turning a flashlight on right at your eyeballs.  It is quite painful and our minds are designed to avoid pain.  If you are like most people, you do everything you can to avoid that pain.  If you are one of the few who look toward finding a way to grow spiritually, then you deal with the pain and understand that the light you see is truly beneficial to your world.

I try my best to be a better person, to learn from many people/ideas.  Do I know better than anyone else?  Not necessarily.  I can only offer my experiences and wisdom that I have gained in my years of searching and pattern recognition of non-helpful behaviors.  Take from my writings what serves you best, everything else, ignore.