Made a play…..failed miserably….still learning

Being ever the impulsive person who follows their heart and intuition, I made a play for this other person I have this connection with….and it failed miserably.  Friend-zoned miserably.

I’m getting kinda tired at being in this place where nothing seems to match what I’m looking for, where I am or where I belong.  Today I was very angry for nearly the entire day.  Kept to myself mostly.  See, the older/veterans at work know each other well, the younger ones are just that….younger.  I’m essentially excluded from both groups based on a couple of discriminating factors(familiarity and age).

The people I’m interested in can’t get past the whole ‘friend thing’, despite that being a rather critical part of any relationship and despite them constantly making bad choices based entirely superficial decisions and ideals.

I’m taking a step back from being the ‘nice person’ who ‘makes me laugh’.  That just doesn’t get me anywhere.  I’m either the funny friend or the amusing older person. Neither of which get me anywhere I want to be.

Maybe I’ll just go back to hanging with some needy married people.  At least there was some energizing sex then…. :/

I’m finally starting to get the hang of this thing called life….

Ever since I visiting another place, I made a connection with someone and it continues to blow my mind.

Let’s start at the beginning.

First I was at a pub, at the bar ordering some food.  Then I see this head that barely made it over the top of the bar.  I thought “Oh that’s interesting, I’d like to get to know them better!”.  Well,  god-damn if said person sat at the table of friends I was with!!!  Then we just hit it off.  The rest of my time there was a lot of fun. Hung out a lot with this person but because I was still involved with my ex at the time, I kept things without crossing any lines.  Was I unhappy about my relationship at the time, sure.  Would I be the kind of person who sneaks behind another’s back?  No.  That doesn’t mean I can’t flirt and enjoy another person’s company all the same.

So the following year, I went back to the same place and spent an even longer time.  Between my absence, I kept in touch with some of the people there and that interesting person was one of them.  When I mentioned my return, I was offered a room in their place to rent while I was staying.  Sounded pretty awesome to me.

Now, I knew they had been seeing someone else, so I had no real illusions that I was planning some ulterior motive.  Nope, it was just awesome to see them again, have the odd adventure when they weren’t out with their significant other(which was rare actually).  Help them through some rough spots when they got into an argument but I could already tell that there was trouble brewing.  It wasn’t going to last for them.  Not that I could do much as I had my own relationship issues to deal with but as a friend, I did the best I could to help them get through it.

Time passed.  We kept in touch.  Had a very rough night once and help them through that bit of ugliness.  Then, a few months ago, I made my own choice to move forward in life.  that’s still an ongoing thing and I’m doing pretty good there but let’s get to the meat of this post, shall we?

I’ve read tons and tons on how life supposedly works.  Seen all the faddish movies that talk about all the ‘bells and whistles’ you can do to make your life better and such.  Out of everything I ever saw, read or heard, one thing just worked for me.

I was listening to a playlist for motivation, it included a bunch of different quotes and interview clips from various thought leaders on the subject.  One guy said (and I’m paraphrasing here) “When you are going to have that breakthrough, it isn’t something that takes a long time.  It happens at the moment when you make the decision to do something and commit to it.”

Well, going back to my situation and my ideas about this friend.  I decided that I was going to work on getting back to where they are and then work on getting more serious with them.

Over the next week or two, the following things happened: Got interviewed by a company(made it to the second round but ultimately didn’t get the job), got told that I could apply to another company that was really damn close to where the other person I’m interested is, and said person also needed a person to talk to because of their relationship was going from bad to worse(as I initially knew it would).

From what I can tell, it was all from my decision to make going to the other place to essentially be with the other person, was what started this chain of events.  It hasn’t stopped either.  My friend has been going through a very rough time, knows that their relationship will never, ever be what she hoped it to be due to some pretty severe mental issues of their significant other.  So now they are trying to come to terms that they have to make the decision to leave and get untangled from their home life.  Luckily there is no marriage or kids to complicate matters but still, living together and making that leap to leave is never easy for people.  I should know.  Took me 10 years to realize that my own relationship was never going to be fully fulfilling, if not outright detrimental to my personal growth.  I passed this tidbit of wisdom on to this person so that they won’t repeat my lack of action for so long.

So here I am, trying my best to keep things going so that when the opportunity comes, and it will come, I’ll jump right on it and ride it out.

When I take that observer perspective, I can see that it was like placing a piece of the puzzle and getting a glimpse of how the game is played!

Of course, my focus has been towards this goal and remains so.  I have never met someone that I know so well but have only known them for a very short time.  I simply cannot ignore that and because of the distance, it seems wasteful not to be near said person.  Why else have such a bond but never truly be able to act upon it because the distance is so great?  That is the meaning I am giving to this and it seems to be working for me.

I’m a WYSIWYG type of person

I know of a term in computers called WYSIWYG.  Its an acronym for “what you see is what you get”.  Basically when someone designs a program or website, the application used to design it shows you the final product as you go along.  There is no fancy need to “compile” the thing, your design is instant.  It is like the difference between using a keyboard to type “draw a square” versus a mouse to actually draw the square.  I’m like the latter.

While I try my best to follow my intuition and inspiration, I do prefer non-subtle ways of communication.  Yet I know that is purely a fear-based habit.  I’m afraid if being/interpreting things wrongly.  Its easy to do so because we are humans.  We have a problem with both communicating properly as weell as processing information without bias. There is also the ever-present over-thinking that is usually the culprit.  “Why did he do that?  Was it because of ‘x’ or ‘y’?” Which leads to a billion other questions which you can’t possibly answer and get bogged down with “paralysis by analysis” and never get anywhere.

This makes life rather oddly difficult for those if us who are open, honest and mean exactly what they say.  Why? Because so many others do not that everyone thinks you are trying to hide your true intentions because that is what they do.  What an ironic twist of fate huh?

What I also know is that few people can handle those who are truly open an honest.  To use a tired quote-cliche “You can’t handle the truth!”.  If you are someone bogged down by your own mis-guided thoughts/choose to believe others instead of your self, when someone comes along and shines a light on it, it is like being in the dark and someone turning a flashlight on right at your eyeballs.  It is quite painful and our minds are designed to avoid pain.  If you are like most people, you do everything you can to avoid that pain.  If you are one of the few who look toward finding a way to grow spiritually, then you deal with the pain and understand that the light you see is truly beneficial to your world.

I try my best to be a better person, to learn from many people/ideas.  Do I know better than anyone else?  Not necessarily.  I can only offer my experiences and wisdom that I have gained in my years of searching and pattern recognition of non-helpful behaviors.  Take from my writings what serves you best, everything else, ignore.